A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would really appreciate people's opinions / advice on this particular dilemma...Nothing new, but I'm sure lots of people have had similar experiences. Damn facebook...Me and my girlfriend (both early 30s) have had some problems lately but we are working through them together - in fact, we are going to relationship counselling, and we have both agreed that we don't want to lose what we've got.Anyway, she checked her Facebook account on my computer and let it remember her password...you know the rest. I gave in to curiosity and looked at her account secretly, and I'm a bit depressed by what I've seen.She has been emailing and "chatting" with a guy who is clearly pursuing her with the intention of getting a shag (he knows us both and knows she has a partner). He keeps asking her to go out with him, and she has not given in, but she doesn't ever mention the fact that she has a boyfriend and recently apologised to him for the fact they haven't gone out yet saying "it's complicated". The last time they emailed they exchanged phone numbers and (sorry, curiosty getting the better of me again) now I can see that my girlfriend is constantly keeping her phone inbox deleted, when she used to have hundreds of messages lying around.Meanwhile, we're trying to rebuild our relationship and she's lying in my arms telling me she's looking forward to the future with me. Yet I know what's been going on on Facebook and it's driving me crazy - and making me cranky with her, although I can't say why...which is no doubt driving her away from me and into this idiot's arms.What the hell do I do guys? To be fair, she hasn't seen the guy yet, and has clearly avoided his suggestions of meeting up. But she knows what he is after and is encouraging him to pursue her in that fashion i.e. not just as a friend. They have also swapped numbers, and are clearly texting each other, which makes me feel like this is headed in only one direction :-( I told my friend about this, and he said that even in a relationship, everyone has their little flirtations on the side - and that often these help to keep the relationship healthy and thriving. But it's very hard for me to look at it this way - I don't flirt with people on Facebook, and this seems like more than just flirting to me, although I could be wrong.If I confront my girlfriend I'm sure she'll say that she is just flirting to make herself feel good and that nothing was ever going to happen. She would probably also say that it was none of my business reading (and "misinterpreting") her facebook account and that if I hadn't read it there would be no problems, since she had no intentions of cheating. We have been through a lot together, and the fact that she has committed to relationship counselling, and falls asleep in my arms at night telling me how much she loves me makes it hard for me to believe she would cheat. But to me, it seems clear that she is behaving inappropriately (possibly lining someone up in case we split up), and this is just not acceptable when we are trying to work things out. Am I being old fashioned? If I did the same, I know she would be very, very annoyed. And I'm vey worried, because the guy who she is contacting is doing his utmost to try and get her away from me and into bed. She admitted to a friend in another facebook post that he is the kind of "inappropriate" guy who she used to have relationships with all the time before she met me...The problem of course is that I found this information out doing something I shouldn't have done - ie snooping on her facebook. I feel crappy about this - yet my snooping has kind of been justified? How the hell do I talk to her about this without damaging our relationship further by admitting I did something that betrayed her trust? Two wrongs don't make a right... Help, help, help. This is driving me crazy.Do I just forget about it, relax, concentrate on us and let what will be, be. She may stay with me, she may go off with him. In the end it will be her choice.Do I bring this up with her? Now I know about it, it's eating away at me.Do I go and take this guy's head off? (I am sorely close to doing this...)Do I facebook / text people I know who are interested in me (a friend of my sister's, an old work colleague) and do some flirting, maybe even go for some "drinks" to make myself feel good? After all that's what my girlfriend is basically doing.All help and advice appreciated. I can't be the only person who is experiencing this kind of thing!
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depressed, facebook, flirt, has a boyfriend, she has a boyfriend, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AreYouSerious  +, writes (8 June 2009):
Are you serious? Why would you consider continuing this relationship? Do you believe that even for a minute you will trust that she is not flirting with someone else. I would understand if she were using social sites to connect with long distance relative, but to flirt around cyberspace when she has a real boyfriend with real needs. You need to confront her and set up boundaries to avoid this type of mind games. You are asking here but you already know the answer. This is not worth your brain thought, let alone time and effort.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): I'm starting to hate facebook.one of my exes sent me a friend request on there, and i can't understand why because he has a girlfriend.i havent asked him why yet.and i feel depressed seeing guys i used to like at school having girlfriends or kids for some reason.and also a guy i want to start seeing now has a couple of girls on his page who have photos of themselves on there with them hardly wearing anything which also makes me uncomfortable.the only reason i like facebook is to keep intouch with certain people i havent seen for a long time or dont see very often .If it wasnt for those few nice people i would deactivate my account.
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A
female
reader, reds +, writes (7 May 2009):
I am sorry you are going through all this heart ache. Facebook is more like a dating site than a friends one. I lost my partner before xmas via this awful site. We were together 15 years and he was hooking up with anyone he could get. It is sad that people know your in a relationship or just ended one and they seem reager to replace you. Other people see what is going on so how come no one has let you in on the secret. I would ask her now what is going on and check it out with the guy. If you do not you will lose her. REmember liars are very good so do your homework. You will then need time out to heal before moving on with your life. Please do not go straight into another relationship too soon you will only do it for the wrong reasons. Good luck my dear these are sad times for all of us.
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A
female
reader, hannita09  +, writes (6 May 2009):
 I agree that she is acting innapropiatly I always say that when you are ina serious realationship and you love someone that there is no need to look somewhere else i consider that cheating in my book becuz she is doing it behind ur back!! If she was upfront with you and told you in the beginning that a guy was talking to her, but instead she is keeping it a secret and sounds to me like he is persuing her and she is pursuing right back i would confront her! Conmunication is so important ina relationship, and honesty you should just tell her sorry i saw ur password and looked and didnt like what i saw i am worred about our relationship, and she talk about it! Or she will continue talking to this guy!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): who's doing more damage you just sneaking into her facebook, or her replacing you with someone else? think about that/.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): pathetic. it's not an excuse for yo uto go out and have drinks with people you know fancy you BECAUSE SHE HASN'T MET UP WITH THIS GUY! She was probably just chatting to relieve the tension in her life, and as you said has avoided all contact in real life with him! You need to believe her when she lies on you andtells you that she's looking forward to the future with you because she really is.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (6 May 2009):
 O boy, I am sorry you are going through this
Here goes...
1) you are in relationship counseling and she is doing this on FB?
Seems like she is not that hopeful(or as hopeful as she appears to be).
2) This seems like she is already looking for a trade in, or upgrade. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but How can you be sure this is the only one she is conversing with.
Or already met.
Plus if the guy is driving hard to the hoop on her, and she isn't shutting him down while you are going through counseling, she isn't giving the effort that should be required if you have already taken this step.
Yeah, Ive always said that Social sites can be harbingers of doom for a relationship. And you are going to get all the heat for learning the truth.
Well you can confront her, but I am sure you will only get "trickle down truth", which means you will have to discover what the next shoe to drop is.
If she is this tempted while in this facet of your relationship, I hope you realize that she is not giving this her all.
Do you want to be with someone who is not honest enough to seriously work on her relationship?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): but its not snooping because you have eachoters passwords, so you have every right to have the shits! DITCH HER MAN!
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A
male
reader, PeteTTT +, writes (6 May 2009):
My girlfriend and I know each other's passwords for Facebook, this was after I did what you did and snooped at her mobile phone. I was shocked when I found out she'd been in touch with an ex despite denying having any contact with him for months. It wouldn't have been such a problem but a week prior to her sending and receiving texts from her ex, an ex of mine had written to me on MSN - Just general, "how's life?" stuff, nothing sinister, she lives in another country now, is in a long term relationship and has a new baby but I told my girlfriend about it straight away. She criticised me strongly for replying. A week later, her ex (now a convicted rapist) texted her and she replied. I didn't find this out until four months later and obviously, following her tirade about me communicating with my ex and being honest about it then doing precisely the same and being dishonest about it, I was gutted and very mistrustful! She's since done all that she can to restore my trust, she's changed her mobile number and for a while showed me her bills if I wanted to see them (I know this sounds extreme but I've been lied to pretty much continuously throughout my life by family and partners so I do, admittedly, suffer from occassional paranioa when I discover someone's not been 100% honest with me). She's also given me her password for her Facebook account - Our relationship is worth more to her and she's proven that to me, I finally trust her again and she knows now not to try to decieve me - The stress and hassle for us both just isn't worth it.
You really need to 'fess' up to reading her Facebook messages, be calm, not accusatory, however hard this might be, tell her you understand that some people flirt for the thrill and not for a result, she's probably flattered that this prat's interested and the excitement of dallying with an 'unsuitable' guy really does appeal to some women. What you don't have is proof that she intends to do anything. Having said all that, monitor her reaction - It's very likely that she'll be very angry at you for looking at her messages, this'll be her way of deflecting her feelings of guilt onto you, ignoble but sadly very human. If she remains angry and never remorseful or apologetic, if she doesn't at some point accept that what she's done is wrong and potentially extremely hurtful to you then you have but one alternative - Walk.... and if you can get away with it, make sure that if she does decide to get off with this guy in the near future it'll be a while before he can kiss properly with his mouth full of broken teeth - Well, don't hit him really, I wish you could and get away with it, in my eyes you're more than justified but sadly the law takes a dim view of GBH...
Whatever, good luck, if you lose her because she was unfaithful or about to be then really you've lost nothing at all...
Perhaps you should send her a link to this thread via Facebook?
Pete
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): you are in a situation. The best thing i would have done is keep on snooping. If she does let go and give the same attention to him well then you got her. Then you can talk to her. She can't deny anything then. If you talk to her now. Well she will just have a milion excuses. Good luck bud.
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A
male
reader, Harry Castle +, writes (6 May 2009):
 This is tough on you; what a dilemma.
Gina is right: she needs to know that you know and stop putting the counselling at risk, etc.
However, you will instantly be the bad boy if you own up to snooping, however justified.
Plan B?
This friend you confided in - could he possibly have known, or known about, the fellow on Facebook? If it is conceivable that he could, tell her that you found out from him somehow.
Not much help, I know, but it will protect you from counter-accusations which will dilute your case.
Harry.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (6 May 2009):
 if she has any intelligence at all which it MOST certainly sounds like she has then she knows that access would have been left for you and is hoping you will leave her after snooping so during the split she seems like the victim and can feel sorry for herself for whatever reason- good or bad.
OR she feels neglected and has No interest in this man other than to stir up your apparent lack of passion for her but doing it this way will only chip at your self esteem even more and could doom this altogtether. misguided.
If you do bring it up with her which is the only way your mind will move forward (which is the most healthy thing for you). she may accuse you of not repecting her privavcy but state that things (leave it vague and avoid getting bogged down in irrelevant details which distract from your main point) gave you cause for concern and your concern was well based in accurate intuition, now what is SHE going to do in the 3 choices available - you or him or no-one.
good luck
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (6 May 2009):
 ahh trust me i've been there and in a way i am not sorry i did what i did because it made me see things differently like all these lies and stuff.
i mean you weren't to know her facebook was currently logged on like.
but i do see your point.
but surely if she's dedicating herself to you then shouldn't you trust her?
i mean she's not meeting with him right?
and who knows maybe she is keeping him interested just "incase" but doesn't it seem better that she is COMMITTED to making you guys work?
i mean not alot of girls would do that.
perhaps she's just having a little fun winding him up.
perhaps she just sees this as being friends and nothing more than that.
you could very well have misread things.
i mean he's saying he wants her and stuff but she's not meeting him surely that gives you some security?
i mean she sleeps in your arms every night! and tells YOU about YOUR future TOGETHER she's obviously staying with you for as long as you guys can work things out,
but definately do not push her away because she will then become more interested in texting this guy and meeting him up for a random shagaround.
but you need to think like this she's MORE dedicated to YOU than this guy!
maybe she enjoys messing him about knowing there is harmful fun involved!
if she's this dedicated to you and to make your relationship work and have a future together then surely you should trust this to be nothing?
Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): Damn Man....I feel your pain...I went through the same stuff with Myspace about 7 months ago. I found out some stuff through text and myspace messaging. You know what tho...its never good. And what I mean by that is this. These so called Independent women with there behavior is kinda funny. Sex in the City is mis leading too. I just had to throw that in there as well. Basically, she is doing her part to have back up. You kinda already know she use to go for guys like this. Keep that in mind. Your aren't those guys. You are better..no matter what. You two maybe having problems and seems as though you are trying to work things out using Counslers.I don't care what any female say..whom may respond to this .....Women like that are WEAK minded. Have little CHARACTER. Sure she'll make up some excuse something about you as the reasons for her actions. But its not you..Its HER...a RAT. I am sorry Guy..but you had to find out. It was meant to happen. Think about it...she is erasing her inbox now. BULL#$%% ...... Bottem Line you see the relationship all the way thru....she is already planning an exit strategy. You might as well confront her about it.....don't worry about what she thinks. This is about YOU. My grandma use to say..."Whatever is in the Dark , well come to the light"BAM!!! FACEBOOK helped you out. Here it is you are laying down all this ground work. And she is doing this crap behind your back. WEAK woman...RATThere is nothing she can say about WHY she exchanged numbers.....Its funny....I knew what my ex was doing for awhile. I did not mind her keeping up with guys and such I am not jealous. Its just the way she went about it..just like your Girl. I mean come on....these are hard times enough. And when a guy is actually trying to make it work. She does stupid stuff on Facebook.....Two wrongs don't make a right either....dont start doing what she is doing. Walkaway from the relationshihp with your integerity intack. AFter you are done with her..you are free to do what you want.Its been 7 months since my break up....I have been having a blast being single and guilt free of all the Silly stuff.And guess who is stalking me now..trying to figure out a way back into my life...They guy she did that with was in fact a guy just trying to get into her pants.Sex is overrated when you live someone you love for it. Women then try to get the new guy to fall in love with him and when he doesn't want too. She calls him names and feels like dog poo poo. Don't flip out on the guy....Its her fault. Let her go....She thinks she is having her cake and eating it too. Bust her bubble MAN. Let her know you ain't havin it go down like that. Release her and tell her go text YOUR DUDE!!! GOOD BYEI know you care about her , but YOU DO DESERVE BETTER....just some respect.You guys are in the middle of fixing things ...GEEZZZZ!!!!Women of today SUCK! No morals anymore..just going about life screwing things up. Thinking the world is theirs just because of what they have between their legs.Its still a Man's world tho...we got it good. Women out number Men...so odds are in our favor more so to have something good then them.A Good woman will always attract a good man....just the way it is. Let her go play...You go forth in life and get someone better...Summer is almost here. Perfect timing.And if she ever reads this responese one day ....and has something to say...I'll put her in her place. No problemRAT screwing over the Good Guy. Shame on her!
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