A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been having trouble with extreme jealousy in my relationship which is gradually getting worse. It's mainly things like when I'm watching TV with my boyfriend, and something remotely sexual appears (e.g a naked woman or something even as normal as a woman in a bikini in a music video) I just get extremely upset and low and angry that he saw it and worry that he enjoys it or likes it more than he likes me. I'm a 19 year old female and in other situations like work and being with friends, I have high self esteem and a huge amount of confidence, but for some reason when it comes to this, I feel I have extremely low self esteem and worry I'm not good enough. No matter how much he re-assures me by telling me the women on the TV don't matter and that he loves me and finds me more attractive than any of them or anyone else, I just can't seem to shake the feeling. It's horrible, because I know how lucky I am to have a man like him. I've been reading stuff online about it and some websites have said I may have some kind of personality disorder which could lead to depression, which terrifies me a bit. I'm too scared to go see a doctor because I fear I will just be told I'm being stupid and to just try shake it off, and if that were to happen I would be absolutely humiliated and end up feeling a whole lot worse. Which is why I have reached out to you. Do you think I need to get professional help or is it something I'm going to just have to deal with? Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2014): Oh boy, I feel your pain. People who have not been in this position think it's something you can reason out. :) It is much more complicated than that! Yes, I agree with others that this is normal and natural, but only to a point. I have a hunch that this is causing you much more agony than others think, and if so, then it has crossed the line from healthy jealousy to irrational, unnecessary anxiety (and I say that from a place of love and understanding, as I have been there). Not to sound like a motivational speaker, but you really do have the power to overcome it.I have been to the deepest levels of this kind of jealousy, exactly as you described, and it took me years to understand it and learn how to overcome it. I was definitely an extreme case, so if this seems overdone, it's because I can only go off of my own experience. In my first relationship, I was in this fairytale world thinking my boyfriend would never leave me. But of course, after enough fights over the TV, or going out to the store, he naturally fell out of love, as he should have. And I was heartbroken, but it taught me a valuable lesson. not saying this is your situation, but just giving background.I met my current husband and went through the same issues, but with him I knew I had to control it or else I would lose him the way I did my first love. I started to do what you are doing now (wise of you to figure it out now!), and keep it to myself. As much as this seems unhealthy (everyone tells us not to bottle things up), it is actually the first step toward healing. It seems like an impossible task, I promise you I felt that I could not overcome these feelings. But I did, and it took a lot of willingness to fail, and a TON of self-control (like, everything short of taping my mouth shut hah).Every time I got an anxiety over something on the TV or anywhere else for that matter, I told myself I would not say anything, but wait until the anxiety calmed. I have been to multiple therapists over the years, and they all say the same thing: after a while of sitting in the anxiety, it loses its power. Once you have mastered that, the trigger (sexual content) starts to lose its power (this took a LOT of trial and error, it does not work right away, and you have to be willing and patient). Once I got some momentum, I started to tell myself "you've been here before and you survived, and you will again." And each time, I got stronger. I had ebbs and flows, and fell back into bad habits (do not beat yourself up over those, you will get back up!), but ultimately when I stayed strong and believed in myself, I got stronger over the months. And months turned to years, and now I consider myself about 90% better than I was when I first fell in love. That is a very condensed version of the story, please feel free to PM me if you want. You are so much stronger than you think, and I know how scary it is to even face the issue so be proud of yourself! :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): Hi, I'm the girl who asked the question. I want to thank you all for your answers and support, but I'm not worried about my boyfriend finding other women attractive, everybody does that, it's normal. It's just him being sexually attracted/turned on by other women that the thought of kills me. It's probably because our sex life is so absorbed into just us, there's nobody/nothing else involved in it. And I've actually been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years, so we've already established our trust, and I do trust him with my life, it's just an irrational worry. I'm not trying to posses him or bug him as some of you have been saying, I don't really annoy him about it anymore which makes me feel worse because I'm keeping it all inside. But he's happier so that's all that matters. I'm not going to go to a doctor about it just now, I'm just going to try work on self therapy using things that I love and things that make me happy and distract me from the sexual nature of the media. If I'm still like this in 6 months- a year then I will go see a doctor but I think I can help myself for now. Thankyou so much for all your support x
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 November 2014):
 You sound typically "normal" to me I think most young relationships harbor these feelings for quite a while. Both parties are relatively unsure of just how depply the other feels about things and it's part of the "getting to know you" process. Once the two of you establish a high degree of trust and security, these emotions will evolve into not so much jealosy just curiosity. Not to worry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2014): You're very young and learning what having a relationship means. If you're inexperienced, you don't know how to behave.
Avoid self-diagnosis when reading-up and educating yourself about emotional disorders online. Let's just attribute your jealousy to youth and being over-possessive. Any therapist that would call you stupid; would deserve to be sued for malpractice, if not charged with verbal assault. You're just a kid learning about herself and lacking some self-discipline. Maybe a bit spoiled.
You don't possess your boyfriend like property; nor can you control his thoughts and feelings.
He freely gives you his affection and attention. That's because he cares for you. A lot. It doesn't turn-off his attraction to other pretty girls. You do have low self-esteem; if you feel he will think less of you, if he sees someone pretty. Admiring beauty comes natural. It's not an indication that your feelings will change for someone you love and care for.
Did your parents leave you at the hospital; because some other baby was cuter? Their heart was attached to you.
They would still notice if another baby was cute; but in their hearts, no baby is cuter than you. You know that isn't true. Just a nice thing to say.
In a relationship, you deserve loyalty and faithfulness; if you have both agreed to see each other exclusively. You don't have to poke your eyes out.
That doesn't mean he turns off his feelings. If you look at a handsome guy, he doesn't turn into a putrid troll; just because you have a boyfriend. You don't go deaf, dumb, and blind; because you're in a relationship. You control your behavior to some degree, but you don't kill all your senses.
When you're with your girlfriends and some cute boy walks by, you all notice. Yet your feelings don't change about how you care for your boyfriend. You'll have to learn that he can feel the same way about you. That is, unless he finds your jealousy progressively irritating. That's a sign of gross immaturity; and you are far from ready to date, or have a boyfriend. If he suddenly lost all attraction to other girls, he'll also lose his attraction for you! Then he'd either be asexual, or homosexual. We are naturally designed to be able to find another mate, if one leaves us or should die-off. We can be monogamous, but that means you are faithful to one person. Not immune to feelings and attraction for other people. He's not your husband.
As you get older, you'll learn to handle your jealousy better. Everyone feels it. It should fade a bit and even-out; become more manageable. It's not a disorder, unless it becomes extreme and you start obsessing. You just haven't matured enough to know how to tone it down and suppress it yet. It takes a lot of practice. The harder you try, the easier it gets.
We aunts and uncles on this site, often suggest for teens with deep issues should talk to counselors or therapists. Sometimes in less severe cases like yours, I think it might be good to also suggest you talk to your mother. She can relate to her own feelings and soothe your anxieties by offering you the benefit of motherly advice. Your father can also explain how guys think, and why they behave toward females as we do. He's a guy too! They know you, and their advice would come from a loving place. That's what parents are for. We have an obligation to encourage young people to talk to their parents.
Young folks too often steer clear of parental-advice these days, and don't realize what a resource that is. You don't have to pay someone to talk about things of the heart. Two people brought you into this world, maybe they know a few things about feelings. If you don't like their advice; then seek another source.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (24 November 2014):
I don't know. I was the same way when very young. A combination of lots of positive self talk and...I dunno, just growing older and wiser took care of it.
I will say this: stop, stop, stop bugging the poor guy about women on TV. He sounds like he has been a prince about it, but those actions will eventually seriously damage your relationship. It is perfectly normal for humans to find other people attractive, yes, even when married! The only question that matters is whether he is faithful. You cannot control biology.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (24 November 2014):
First of all you are not stupid,but would come across as a very level headed lady.You have reached out to get what you youself feel but you need it clarified.Yes you do need help by getting your doctor to refer you to a counsellor who will chat with you over your situation .Please dont jump to conclusions about what may be wrong with you or not.You are lucky to have an understand man and discuss all this with him and ask him for his support.You will feel much better to chat this out with a counsellor.Best wishes NORA B.
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