A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have posted several questions about love, sex and relationship on this website and have always received good advice. I have been with my boyfriend for roughly 2 years and everything has been great. There are a few things that I quite dislike, although I agreed that we are all different and it is not fair to expect someone to change totally for you, because the essence of being in the relationship is to accept each other the way they are, to some proper extent of course.However, I find myself being pissed off when he drinks. I'm Asian (not south asian) and he's British, and I've been trying to understand drinking culture, something that's not available in my country. I'm okay if he drinks lots occasionally, but if he drinks 4 beers every other day, I'd be quite upset(he's doing that at the moment actually) I also feel bad because I feel like I'm forcing my standard on him. We are from different culture after all. I myself drink occasionally and learned to accept drinking culture long ago, but still I don't want him to drink as a habit or too often. Am I being too strict about this? Should I let it go, accept his drinking behaviour, and learn to live with it? There's another reason why I want him to cut down drinking: I think it affects his sex performance. He's quite big, 6 feet tall and now quite fat. Don't get me wrong, him getting bigger doesn't ruin my love for him, not even one bit, but I'm a highly sexed person and sex is important for me. When we do it, he'd get tired quite quickly and his "man" will go wimpy. All the ladies will understand me that sex with soft penis doesn't make you feel anywhere near as good as when it is totally hard. I would often end up feeling unfulfilled, empty and unsatisfied at the end of it and this is frustrating me because I love him but at the same time I'm getting bored having sex with him as it seems like I gotta be doing most of it. It's contradicting. I sometimes laid there in bed crying because I don't know what to do with this feeling.How can I tell him, or should I tell him at all? Thanks for reading and I really hope someone can give me some advice. Maybe the problem is with me, after all... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): Hey everyone
Thanks a lot for your help. I have talked briefly with my boyfriend, and also my dad, and we have all agreed that I am sometimes too strict. I will have to learn how to let go and not be too serious about things. However, he promised not to drink too much and I think that is good enough.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (19 April 2012):
 HI
Men drink to get away from problems, he isnt happy about something , somethings bothering him or hes just bored. Its probably not you , but instead of voicing your thoughts on his sexual performance try to find out why he feels the need to drink.
Does he go to the pub or drink at home , are there activities you can do instead of him drinking, to divert him away from the habit ? Why not go running together or cycling ,enter for a race and train keep you both fit and be fun Get to the bottom of it first
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 I recommend you focus on how his drinking affects you, not how it might affect him. The latter will come across as nagging, controlling and insincere (he's not stupid enough to believe you're only bringing this up for the sake of his health). He's a grown man and has, presumably, read and heard all the same facts you have. You aren't telling him anything he doesn't already know.
Second, no one likes hearing negative feedback about something they are sensitive of so keep it brief. No matter how lovingly or compassionately it's said criticism is still critisism and if you're too nice it will sound patronizing. Don't drag it on longer than necesssary.
Often times a simple one liner will suffice. For example, the next time he makes a sexual overture after a night of drinking you could say 'Raincheck. It's not the same when you've been drinking.' Then go about your business or roll over in bed. Be matter of fact. No sulking or storming out. This approach is not only honest but it gives just enough information to pique his curiosity. If he thinks you want a long drawn out conversation he'll shy away. If he thinks you don't he's more likely to pursue one. And he will be more likely to listen to your concerns because he specifically asked for them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): I 100% agree with Deagan here. Yes the truth can be hurtful & unpleasant to hear but you can't continue down this road it is going to lead to the total break down of your relationship.
You must speak with him over this issue,you just have to go about it in a sensitive,understanding & loving manner.
Is there any under lying reasons why your b/f is drinking & putting on weight?
Like stress,job loss or family problems?
You may want to address why he is drinking first it could be the key to sorting this situation out!
Don't leave it too long to talk to him thou because it will only prolong your unhappiness & make the subject harder to bring up.
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A
female
reader, Deagan  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 No! Don't think you are the reason he has this problem!
You need to tell him! Honestly hurts, and he might get upset, but he needs to know. His habits are hurting not just himself but his relationship with you as well.
Don't point the finger and sound accusatory, but do tell him that you are worried for his health because he's put on weight recently and it is affecting your ability to enjoy sex. Kindly explain the changes you've noticed, about him not lasting long and going soft. Tell him that you want a long, healthy, fun sexual relationship with him, an assure him that you want to stay with him.
A man should want to please his partner, so after you talk to him, it should motivate him to make some changes.
Best of luck!
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