A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I am a 30 year old male who at the age of 12 fell in love with a girl, also 12. At 15 we started dating and 13 years later we were married with 3 kids. The relationship had its moments and to be honest the arguments were mainly over sex...the lack of, or she was just never interested in experimenting. The main arguments were over sexual desires of mine that she would not be willing to try. The relationship came to an end in 2006 with my wife staying in the family home with my kids. To start with, things were not amicable but they have become ok now. I can see my kids as much as I like and I try to at every opportunity.I transferred my job in Aug 2007 where I met a female (31 years) who fell for me in a big way. I started to see her and we shortly moved in with each other into her house. She is how can I say "everything I wanted my wife to be in the bedroom" which is fantastic. On top of that she does no argue like my ex and she is kind and considerate. I still have feelings for my wife which I can't just throw away and now she wants me back in her life. Now comes the difficult part. Since we split up my wife got together with an old flame she never got the chance to date from school. They slept with each other twice and she fell pregnant. The child is now here and he is lovely but the father did not want to know, does not care and is no longer around. So now she has my 3 kids and 1 more which is not mine. Being an emotional guy I said I could not watch him grow up without a father so I have said I would be his father figure (especially when it comes to things such as taking my kids on holiday as I could not stand there having the new child look at me thinking "why cant I come?"). I just couldn't do it.My current girlfriend has no children and wants two of her own. I have been open and honest with her from the start (a lesson I should have learnt many years ago). I have told her that my wife wants me back and I am now confused. She is very understanding and has given me space to think things over. Obviously she does not want to lose me. I am not divorced just yet as things are still in progress but within the next 3 to 4 months it will be over. I think I have forgotten what love is and I am using my emotions to make decisions. It sounds horrible to say but I am using what I know to make decisions. On one side of the coin I have my wife (mother of my kids) who wants to try again. I am uncertain that everything would work out but my kids would be happy as hell. I am uncertain that sex would be what I am currently experiencing (which makes me happy). My wife being mother of now 4 kids does not work and financially things would be a struggle. The house would have to be sold (another story) and we would end up in a local council property.The other side of the coin is with my new partner. I don't have 13 years of memory with her to base a sound decision on but only 6 months. Everything is certain with her, what I mean is, I know she is kind, I know she wants 2 kids of her own, I know sex is fantastic. She has a good job and financially things would be ok with our salaries combined. The last thing I want is to go back to my wife; 6 months later things don't work out. New partner still wants me back and I then make her feel 2nd best. Also I don't want to be with new partner constantly wondering what if?Like I said, I think I have forgotten what love is, I keep trying to take the kids out of the equation but it's not helping at all. My head keeps spinning and to be honest I'm surprised that either my wife or current girlfriend wants me at all. If I don't make a decision soon I will lose both and then the situation will be even worse. How on earth do I even begin to make a sound decision? What do I base things on? My kids by the way are currently 7, 10 and 12 and the new one which is not mine is 10 weeks old.Any comments or suggestions most welcome
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divorce, fell in love, moved in, my ex, on holiday, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, PeteTTT +, writes (4 April 2009):
Stay with the new girlfriend, she sounds amazing, patient, understanding and willing to do what she can to satisfy you. A lot of women would kick you into touch the second you told them that you were trying to decide whether you wanted them or your ex. If a woman said it to me, I'd make the decision easy for her and leave her, nobody likes to feel like they're being compared by their partner and clinically contrasted with someone else pending a decision. Your ex has a cheek after causing you so much disruption, breaking your marriage vows (you were still married when she concieved the other man's baby) and then disturbing your life and your pursuit of new happiness by throwing this emotional hand grenade at you now. Let her deal with the consequences of her actions, she made the decision to let you leave the marital home instead of working towards keeping the relationship going, she made the decision to not only sleep with someone else but to do so without considering protected sex prior to truly assessing her new partner's commitment to any offspring. By accepting the bastard child of this unwholesome union you're doing a very noble thing and I applaud you, make sure that the law pursues the father for maintenence but your ex has made this bed, let her lie in it alone and get on with enjoying your great new relationship with a woman who sounds brilliant, after all, she's done absolutely nothing to hurt you and it sounds to me that you're very lucky to have her, she must have saintly levels of patience, a woman of that calibre is rare.Pete
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): Don't go back to your exwife. You are the father of her kids, you feel sorry for her more than you love her because of her financial situation and you have alot of history together, good and bad. Provide financial support to the kids if you can, but move on. What you miss is not her, but the unfulfilled dream of a marriage that didn' work out. If you go back now, you would be in the same boat only a short while from now. Move on with your life. The new woman is great. Be strong. God will help you in your mournful nature. If you can't resist and are weak, pick up the kids with your new girlfriend when you visit, not to be alone with her. Be her friend and nothing more. Move on, because you are exes for a reason. If it was meant to be, it would have worked out many years ago and it didn't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Dear posterI am going to stick my neck out here and say I don't think you should be with either of these woman till you sort your feelings out, as you seem to be all over the place.Firstly you have only lived with the g.f for 6 months, you think you know her ( I think not) she wants 2 kids ( I don't think you ready for that) she's nice sexy good in bed try that a few yrs down the line with 2 kids in tow (sorry lol) you are in honeymoon period with her and your torn between her and the x.Now with the ex you know all about her good and bad, she made a mistake with the new guy and got to hand it to you what you are doing including this baby in you life is great, as there is nothing worse than being an outcast in your own family. I think your ties to them are alot stronger than you are letting on. i think your scared incase it don't work with the wife and u got to walk away again (can understand that) but and this is the dealer you are considering it! and not just for your kids!Maybe wife has changed older,smarter realised grass is not greener, willing to put more effort into your marrage appricates you more knows what she's lost prob all the same things you are thinking. wither it would work who knows but are you both willing to give it your best shot? if the answer is yes then only you can decide if you can't answer or she can't answer then maybe you should just let nature take its course.I really think it's too soon for you to be building a new life with g/f as you need to get through divorce and thats tough, plus i think g/f alough she says to give you space does not really understand as she ahs no kids of her own yet to feel the heartache and pain you are going through. i think this is why you are confused, so take your time ther's no hurry and make the right decision for all of you, as you will all have to live with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): I saw your question before but didn't want to answer straightaway because my first instinct was to advise you to stay with your new girlfriend but it felt like such a big piece of advice to give someone. Anyway ultimately you will make your own choice but I agree with the decision you have reached. And I would like to say, although this sounds harsh, her last child is not yours and is not your responsibility. You can have a relationship with the child without having to take responsibility. You are not responsible for that child. Your wife got pregnant and had the child with another man and he should be made to pay for the child maintenance. Your new girlfriend sounds like a breath of fresh air compared to your ex wife. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (14 February 2008):
 I think you have made the right choice! Doesn't mean you can't still be amicable with your wife and of course you can still see your kids when you want too. YOUR happiness is the most important. If you're happy then you can function better and be a good partner to your girlfriend, a good employee at your work and of course a good father to your children. Good luck! :o)
~Eve~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your responses. I am still thinking long and hard over this. At present everything is telling me to stay with the current girlfriend. In responsed to some of the questions raised in the replies: I have been split from my wife for about a year and a half so I have had time to grieve. The house may/may not be sold (this is a seperate issue which I will try to explain briefly)
The house is solely in my name. The company I worked for loaned me roughly £55k to assist in the purchase of it. My mortgage holds the 1st and 2nd charge and the company I worked for holds the 3rd charge. The agreement was that I was to pay back the % to loan value upon either leaving the company or moving out. When we split up, I moved out and therefore was in breach of the contract. Since the mortgage was solely in my name I raised the question that as she is my wife she now has a "marital interest" in the property and by law she does not have to leave and she can stop the sale of the house. After an extensive legal battle with courts (still ongoing) the conclusion is the only way the money can be repaid back to the company is to sell the house. This is a court decision (however...I can see no judge in the land about to kick a mother and 3 kids out...sorry, now 4 kids) out of a family home) I have a feeling that the loan may be written off and tough to the company for lending it to me. This obviously will give me and the ex wife roughly £60k equity. The only issue around it is that in 2004 new laws were set in place to help fathers (fathers for justice) to be able to get a 2nd home and move on with their lives. This is why I am unsure as to whether the house will be sold or not. Very confusing I know.
I think I will be taking the plunge and staying with the new girlfriend though as like I originally posted, Everything is generally certain ie: I know she is kind, considerate, beautiful, good in the bedroom, loving and caring and all the other big words in the dictionary I am useless at telling someone on the spot !!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 In my Frank opinion, going back to your wife is the WRONG thing to do. She is still the same person she was when things ended. Now she has another man's child.
You made a huge error promising to give that child attention. That child is NOT your responsibility, and any child support or time you spend with him, is time and resources you have taken away from your actually children.
It is OK to have feelings for your ex. You were together a long time, and you have formed your identity of love through her. However, it is not OK to act on those feelings. Pity is not a basis for a sustaining relationship.
Focus on your new relationship HOWEVER, you already have 3 kids. If you take on her fourth child, you will be stuck with 4 yourself. The chances of your new relationship lasting...well, the odds are against you. I would not suggest children with her.
You need time to HEAL. You have not done that yet. Having a child with the new woman, nor going back to your wife...neither of these are the answer.
Take time out for YOU.
Live alone.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 Your selection criteria will be based on your own needs or the needs of others.
If it is your own needs, then you will select your current g/f. You cannot give her all your love as you have your children to maintain and care for, unless you want to detach yourself completely from them.
If you think of the needs of others, who do you think need you more? Are you a responsible man ?
The decision is yours to make..Think carefully.
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A
male
reader, BadVoice  +, writes (14 February 2008):
The answer is simple.....it may not be the moral or correct one for many, but it would be a divine one for you in this situation. Chooose your current girlfriend over your wife. You can still be a father to the 4 children adn your current girlfriend is much aware of this. Pick your current girlfriend and continue to be a friend to your wife and a father to the kids, but choose your current girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (14 February 2008):
Why did you and the wife break up? Just because there was no sex life or was there more to it?
Eve
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (14 February 2008):
Listen... YOU have the right to be happy too, in life AND in the bedroom. I'm going to stick my neck out here, even if you don't go back with your wife you can still see your children whenever you want. Your ex sounds very set in her ways and I honestly can't see anything changing there ESPECIALLY in the bedroom. You said you will also have to move out of the home she has now... (why is that?) and things will be tight both money wise AND for you psychologically and not having sex regularly (especially as you do know what good sex is like and you still have feelings for your current girlfriend) will kill you and you'll end up going back to the girlfriend and feel guilty all over again. Do you see where I'm coming from here?
If you stay with the girlfriend you will have the more stable relationship together with her, sex in the bedroom as she seems to have a much higher libido than the wife (kids or no kids) and maybe one day a half brother or sister for your kids to spoil. Can't be that bad can it?
Of course this is ONLY my opinion but I think you'd have a more fulfilling life with your current girlfriend. (Less stress, more in common, less embarrassing scenarios and of course a much more fulfilling love life.
Eve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your fast response. I think I will take some time out before making a decision. I have spent some time with my wife and kids over the past few days and everything seems kinda ok. She herself is unsure as to how things would pan out. She is scared herself of not being able to find the trust in the relationship yet she says she still loves me dearly. She can have a temper on her which I got use to but my family are more than aware that she can walk out of a room if she is not in the mood and make everyone feel really small. This is the part of the old relationship I dont miss. With my new partner she is totally different. Everyone says how nice she is and she will always make an effort to say hello and not be rude. Something I use to dread with the ex wife. However, saying that, people can change, albeit slowly. The ex seems a little more rashional now (maybe with the kids growing up fast).I think that if I went back, I know I would miss the passion of my current girlfriend (and the variety in the bedroom). I know thats a selfish way of thinking but then why should I not be happy sexually. The last thing I want is to be unhappy in the bedroom as I see sex in a relationship a big part of the realtionship. I dont pay CSA any money. I have a contract between my ex and the CSA that they leave me alone as I pay for them to live in a 3 bed house (costly on its own)...this was the ex's idea and the CSA agreed it to be sufficient. Should the kids need anything, then I am always there to help out and when they are with me I pay my way for food and taking them out etc. It works well.I know the new g/f wants two children of her own which is her right and one that if I deny her she would leave as we both agreed there would be no point in continuing the relationship. This I think is putting so much pressure on me I dont know which way to turn. I have the incline to just pick one and regardless of whether its the right/wrong decision its a decision and I have to stick with it.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (14 February 2008):
Wow! You DO have a tricky situation on your hands. As long as you are with your current girlfriend you won't be able to think clearly so I would suggest moving out of there even if it's only temporary to THINK. You don't want any current emotions clouding any decisions you might make. She seems nice enough so I'm sure she'll understand this. I would then go and see your wife and see how the land lies there. You'll also be able to see if you still have any feelings for her. You and her need to talk badly but DON'T make any decisions.
You know pretty much how things will go with your current girlfriend (from what she's said) but you need to sit and think what YOU want. You already have 3 children of your own, do you WANT to have another 2 with your current girlfriend (bearing in mind you'll still need to pay CSA for the 3 you already have) and this will put a hole in your wages. Does your girlfriend have any baggage that could come back to bite her on the bum? Do you honestly feel 6 months with her is enough to base your decision on?
Is there enough love/feelings left between you and your wife to try again? You and her both need to talk, would she be willing to compromise in the bedroom a bit more? Again, bear in mind she now has 4 children, a big responsibility for any family and she will tire easily (especially with a newborn). Is what you feel for your wife and family strong enough to make another go of it?
If you do make the decision that you want to move back in with your wife and kids, it might be a good idea to plan a weekend away together and have someone look after the kids. That way you will both have quality time to yourselves and be able to talk more without being disturbed.
There are difficulties whatever decision you make so think hard about it and don't make it too quickly. You're still young so you'll have plenty energy (thinking about the kids) and the kids would have their dad back again. Or if you decide to have 2 more with your current girlfriend, you'd cope. It all depends on what YOU REALLY WANT.
Good luck and feel free to email me privately if you want to talk about this some more.
Regards
~Eve~
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