A
male
age
41-50,
*ncle t
writes: my wife and i are getting a divorice. she left the house and when she did i change the locks on the door we each see our kids for half of the day i will get them in the nights from 6:00 pm untill the next morning 7:00 am the prolbem is she does not want my girl freind around the kids that are 4 and 1 1/2 so she went out of town for the weekend she left on thrusday and would return on sunday night and flip out because i was getting my girl freind to watch the kids while i was working she said the kids were not safe. i ask her to meet my girl freind so she can feel that the girls are being treated well but she says no way. any way what do i do to make her under stand that my girl freind will take good care of them Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): I am in a similar situation, but the guy is my ex-bf and he has been exposing his new gf to our son. I commend you for even caring enough to have the two women meet each other (my ex didn't even mention his new gf to me...I found out from our son). I must say that I completely understand where your ex is coming from. These kids are fragile...and you don't really KNOW this new woman enough to leave your kids with her. Lately, there have been a lot of stories on the news where a stepmom or stepdad has killed a child...these babies are SO PRECIOUS! It could very well be that your ex couldn't care less about your love life but is trying to protect her babies...I know that's the case for me, at least. Good luck! Hope this helps!
A
male
reader, uncle t +, writes (27 August 2010):
uncle t is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalso this girl does not live with me and when the wife was going out of town she wanted me to drive out of my way to drop them off with her family that would have been fine but i ask the girls what would rather do spend time with the girlfriend for the day of or go to your mom family for the day the choice was the girl friend. and when they are in my care i am responsible for them and i trust her that she will do the right thing. when i had the girl friend meet the girls we met at the beach they played in the sand together and had a great time.and then i ask the oldest girl what did she think of her and she said she likes her and wants to meet again. and i beg the wife to get to know her so she knows who is spending time with her girls. but the fact is i don't think she cares at all she does not want me to spend time with the girl friend and uses the girls as a reason. and this is wrong i think she is just trying to be controlling again except this time it wont work.it has all ways been about her and her only.
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A
male
reader, uncle t +, writes (27 August 2010):
uncle t is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis is the deal she is to controlling always telling me what to do we have had problems for about 15 months so i said i had enough she said she would change the next week i had a night out with my brother that is also married we were going to a fight and she said i could not go i said i am going she said o wont be here when you get back when i came home that night about 12:30 she was not there in the morning i went to work and when i got home she strip the house clean. about a week later a girl that i see all the time i was telling her about what happen and we went out to dinner and now have something going on the marriage is over the girl friend get along with the girls great they like her very much they bake cakes together and have a great time the x need to know that we are over and she told me she has a real man now i said great i just want to meet him and tell him to take care of my kids and have a friend ship with them so it is easy for all but she does not want the girl friend around at all she is still trying to control me i am so glad it is over and i can get my life back with my kids i just want to be a big part of there life and have them 50% of the time or more. i just dont understand she keeps telling me it is to soon. where is this time table that you have to wait 6 months.
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A
male
reader, uncle t +, writes (25 August 2010):
uncle t is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe keeps telling me that it is to soon to bring her around i dont under stand what to soon is and what the time table has to do with it both kids like her and that is all that matters she should want to get to know who is spending time with her kids i think she is acting like a baby. if i were bringing a new girl around all the time i could under stand her point but this is one girl and she need to get over it.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (12 August 2010):
 You say you are GETTING a divorce, so it sounds as if the process of divorcing is not yet finished - and you already have a girlfriend.......
Well, I don't know. Maybe your ex-wife-to-be is jealous of the new woman - particularly if the new gal played a part in the breakup of your marriage......that would be understandable, and a good reason for her to hate the new woman and not trust her around your children.....there's no point in trying to convince her that your gf will take good care of your children, because your wife doesn't want to know and is not open to the idea.
What IS important is the well-being of your children, of course. Their happiness comes before that of you, your wife, or your gf........as Irish says, talk to your wife and come to an agreement as to who takes care of the children - leaving the gf out of the picture.......
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Your ex is probably just being a bitch. However, it's probably best for the kids if you don't have your gf around them. I'm sure your kids are having a hard time adjusting as it is. All your doing is making it harder on them by causing more drama. Your kids come first ! If your gf doesn't realize that you may want to find a new gf.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Your marriage breakup seems very recent? And now, there is a new gf on the scene. Can you tell us, is your wife resentful of your new girlfriend for a reason? Did this new gf break up the marriage?
Two critical things are going here. 1) Your ex-wife could be behaving spitefully because she workng out her painful issues or 2) she could be thinking of the emotional well-being of her children, as she may not know your gf. And if your ex is still hurting and doesn't want to meet the new gf, then there is only one thing to do, for the sake of the kids. Talk to your ex wife, and both of you, come to an agreement of 'who' provides childcare when you are working. You may have to ask the new gf to step back for awhile, and be patient until you get this issue reconciled.
But the encompassing bad thing here, is your ex hates the new gf and doesn't want her kids around them. And if she gets angry enough, she may take you to court for complete custody of the kids. And then who loses in the end. Not you, not the ex wife, not the gf...the kids do. Because they lose the love of their father as this situaton could get nastier. Time to priorize the kids. Do what's best for them. And that may mean having the new gf, bide her time. Keep a cool head, and talk to the ex wife, calmly. Put the kids, first. Do something so these kids don't get painfully lost in the casualty called divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): One way you could show her that your girlfriend is doing well is take them to the park with your ex wife and girlfriend. There are plenty of people around so nothing dramatic will happen. That our you could sit down and talk to her. Have the kids join you. Let the older one tell her how your girlfriend is and how much she likes her. Make sure its not more then their mother. Then maybe your ex wife will realize shes not a bad person after all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Short answer-- you can't "make" her come around.
Long answer-- while I commend you for offering to have your girlfriend meet your ex wife to allay her fears, you didn't say in your post how long you've been with your girlfriend? How long have you known her? If you have only known each other/ been together for a short time, your ex is right to not want her watching your kids. If this is a long term thing, then your ex is being petty. I guess what it all comes down to is that you did the right thing in offering to have your girlfriend meet your ex, and in the long run, if you have the kids at that time, as long as there are no court orders stating otherwise, you have the right to have whoever you want watch the kids. Just make smart decisions doing it. I didn't introduce my kids to my "new" boyfriend until just before we moved in together, and I would be furious if my ex husband had some girl that he had been seeing for a week or two watch my girls. However, if it was someone that he was serious with and had been with for a while, then I would have to trust that he wouldn't put the kids in danger.
I hope this makes sense, and good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): maybe she is jealous? anyway, you can not blame yourself that you are not trying to make things right between your ex and your gf. maybe she need some time to accept that there is partly another woman in the lives of the children.
You can try to arrange a meeting at a public place, a public kindergarden or something so your ex can see with her own eyes that your gf is really ok.
I think it's just really difficult for a woman to trust another woman with her children...
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