A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm feeling a bit lost and confused. My ex Doug and my ex best friend Lily went out behind my back soon after we broke up. This was quite a while ago. It took me a long time to forgive them but i realised it was better to let go of the anger i had and just let the pain sort itself out through time. Doug apparently really liked Lily while Lily did not really feel the same, she was just fooling around.I felt like Doug made a lot more effort to get back into my life, because before everything he was one of my best friends. He and i became closer friends, and we started being friends with benefits, because at the time i was nowhere near looking for a relationship and i was enjoying not being tied down to anyone. Doug has asked me to be with him before, and i said no because i knew that a big part of him just wanted to be with someone. A few weeks ago he asked me again, telling me how much he missed me, how sorry and how it always seemed to feel right between us. The next day he felt so bad about it saying that he shouldn't have asked because he doesnt deserve me and he know how hard it is for me to believe him. This time when he asked me i just said I dont know (half of me wanted to be with him, but the other half thought he just wanted a girlfriend), and he later said that he would be whatever i wanted him to be cos all he wants is to be there for me,and if i did want to be with him he will wait for me until im ready.i still didnt believe him, but recently, another girl friend of his has asked to be with him and he said no, because he just didnt want to be with anyone, he wanted to be with me (according to him). Right now im not sure if i should be with him, because my friends don't really think hes changed, but for some reason i feel like he has. But they also said that fwb is not something i should just settle for (although i don't really have any problems with it) and that i should be looking for a real relationship. I'm not sure what i should do now
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female
reader, PunkyPippi  +, writes (21 January 2009):
 I wouldn't settle with fwb unless that's what you want.
Do you want to be with this guy? You sound like you're more concerned with what he wants than what you want.
Go with your gut... you know him better than your friends do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): He's certainly a smooth talker isn't he? However, you were broke up when he went off with Lily, so you can't really say they did anything behind your back. That would only be the case if you were still together, so 'forgiving' doesn't really enter the equation.
FWB is all very well, but I've yet to meet or hear about any woman that didn't eventually get emotionally attached to the person she was having sex with. It's in a woman's make up to only want to be with one man, whereas men generally like to spread it about a bit without getting too involved and can quite unemotionally flit from one woman to another. It's a basic animal instinct to spread his genes to the next generation you see.
The time for a man to settle down to a committed relationship is after he's done spreading his genes about, so as a woman you have to be rather selective about who you have sex with. It sounds to me like he's using sweet words and his manly charm to get into your underwear once more. Make sure you can cope with him treating you as just an object to have sex with.
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