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anonymous
writes:
At five months pregnant my partner whom I lived with and was happy and in love with said he was going to go home to his parents for a few days. We had had a massive argument the night before and as he had been drinking heavily the last few weeks I poured his wine (third bottle that night) down the sink and said he was turning into an alcoholic. He said he felt like he was having a nervous breakdown and was really low and needed space.
I left him be...he contacted me days later saying he needed to be on his own and sort his head, but reassured me he still loved me and wanted us to be back together as we were when we first met.
Two weeks on I contacted him as he missed the scan of the baby...he said the same as before. I began to feel insecure and phoned him a lot as I had a gut feeling he was trying to end the relationship. We started to argue as the more I pushed for answers the more he resisted. But he still reassured me he wanted us back together to be a family.
I then left things for another two weeks and contacted him again. He said he had met someone from Ireland, was in love and was moving their to live. I was devastated. I then went up to his parents and confronted him for the first time face to face since him leaving seven weeks earlier. He said he was going to Ireland the next day to be with this woman for a week.....he loved her and she won and the baby has lost.
I never heard from him for three weeks and was in shock really. Then he texted me saying he wanted to chat. I met him on three occasions that week and then received emails saying he felt guilty, should have waited etc but could not go back on his decision as he loved this other woman, was in the process of moving and changing jobs.
He moved to Ireland the week I had the baby. I think that was the most distressing few weeks up to the time of my baby's birth. He contacted me daily from the date the baby was due, but I blocked him from info on if he was a dad. I eventually told him two weeks after the baby was born he had a son.
He now visits every three weeks he says he has finished with his partner as she didn't want him seeing his son.
Things were very amicable between us at first....but things have become strained in the last two weeks...mainly to do with regular emailing and misinterpretation of what is being said. For example he wanted to know when could he see his son over Xmas. I said he could see him Xmas morning. He said he can't see him then. I said in an email back to him most fathers would love the opportunity to see their kids Xmas day (and esp. as its his first). He replied he was fed up of the emotional blackmail.
Is it wrong for me to want him to be a dad to our son?
Ok I am still hurt that he left and gutted he was not their the day his son was born....but I try so hard to ensure he sees his son...I change dates for him to visit...times...encourage him Xmas day.
All I get in return is comments such as "I'm fed up of this emotional blackmail". I don't understand?? Does he want me to say "Sorry your messing your son around by changing visit dates/times and therefore you cannot see your son"? Is he trying to cause conflict and pains I will stop the arrangement, so he is not to blame? Or is there another agenda here I am not picking up on?
For three weeks previous to this he was lovely to me asking how I and our son was everyday via email....when he visited he said he had split up with that partner....now he is horrid and says he's to busy to contact me (I think he has met another partner). I feel a fool and used as he had all the time in the world for me and our son between relationships but it soon becomes second fiddle again when he meets someone else.
I also don't want this to happen when our son is older as it will break his heart if his dad keeps letting him down. I want to protect our son from the let downs that I had from his dad.
Should I grin and bare it? Or should I go through the courts so that he has to see, pay regularly (which he has not so far). Or should I draw the line on this situation all together to protect my son? But then I get the feeling that I will be blamed and the baddie from my son when older for not letting his dad see him. I don't know what to do for the best!
Please help
M
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alcoholic, emotional blackmail, insecure, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, raybeam  +, writes (12 January 2009):
OK through my own exp. but mainly on close girl friends heres the thing. 5 months preggs and he got scared - this had happened to 2 mates of mine at 5 months, he has not shown you respect or consideration since in a consistant way - comments like emotional blackmail will always go on as he is transferring his guilt bk on you- your right he is making things impossible to trust him because he cant trust himself to be there for ur son and knows it. Eventually when ur ready you will have to create a good relationship with a secure man - and having his halfhearted input will only cause u a head ache anyway, my son is just 3 and they are very asstute so sooner hes out of the pic and another male role is in his life the better. you will feel the freedom when it comes and realise hes done u a favour. while u allow contact and ur son is more aware just dont warn your son hes coming as he WILL get let down - just say Oh daddys here - once hes on the door step - its the only way to protect feeling of letdown he will cause but yes sounds like hes trying to cut himself out and blame you - its typical they are selfish at best of times but in the long run it creates freedom for u to have someone worthy - if he was serious about seeing his son he would have been there xmas day - whos more important i would have asked? good luck honey - stopping contact may wake him up to act better or not - at least u son is young enough to protect x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Hello,
I think that you should concentrate on yourself and your son and forget him untill he proves that he can get his act together. If he wants to see his son he should make the effort, stop playing games with you and stop letting you down. Your strong and you dont want to focus on his behaviour but enjoy the time with your son instead, also tell him this. Be cool about it, explain that you are no longer going to be accused of being'an emotional blackmailer', that this is boring and uncooperative behaviour and that when he is ready and committed you will meet him half way. Untill he is ready to reach that point dont give him your attention. He is losing out, not you. Good Luck!!!!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): my sons father did a similar thing to me and had little contact with either of us during the pregnancy or the yrs that followed he eventually lost touch at age 3. I have brought my son up alone without any financial support from his father he is a now a grounded young man learning to be a mechanic and on his first driving lesson as i write this. He is happy and contented with his life he has been well provided for by myself has only ever had one set of rules in one home that i certainly don't consider to be a broken home, its the only one he has known and i can say with my hand on my heart i feel incredibly proud of the job i have done i hope that one day too you will feel the same, anyone can father a child it doesnt guarantee them to be good daddy, my own father played a crucial role in my sons upbringing and gave him the male influence he needed. This doesnt alwasy need to come from the sperm donor. I wish you well with your son and hope he brings as many smiles and as much joy as mine has. It wont always be easy but it will alwasy be worth it :-) stay strong and follow your heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): you cannot protect your son from reality. Do whatever is required for your ex to see/maintain his child - if he lets you both down that is his problem - not yours. Make sure your som knows he is loved unconditionally by you - never deny him access to his father. Explain that if his father messses you both around then it is because his father is behaving in an immature manner at that point in time AND THAT IT IS NOT HIS OR YOUR FAULT
that this is happening. Leave the lines of communication open with his father forever. he must learn reality is not always as we would like it to be. With time things may change. Take comfort from the fact that your son will always know you love him unconditionally and take steps to ensure this happens. Things sometimes work out well years later. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2007): Emotional blackmail is a term slung around without consideration.
For example:
"Hey you're hurting me right now, I'm upset and whats more you don't seem to want to talk about it. I'm sorry but this is frustrating me we need to talk about this you know this isn't panning out we need to talk"
Other persons response
"You can't emotionally blackmail me"
There is a lack of logic there. I wouldn't take the term too seriously. He's out of responses, so he puts the blame on you and and makes out that you're the one at fault.
Stick to your guns and put the situation in context. Don't be bullied.
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A
male
reader, dogzdinner +, writes (21 January 2007):
Doesn't realise when he's well off, does he! I've been fighting for over two years (and three Christmasses) to try and get normal access for my two children and myself(only been allowed to spend 3 hours, over 2 Christmasses, and not on Christmas Hols at all 1st year - didn't see them again for 7 weeks :-(( the system!!!) with them at Contact centres by ex, as she has new boyfriend whom apparently in my opinion she's trying to convince that I don't really want to see them!! And I've made inroads that I have myself, as have found system (Courts, Solicitors, Cafcass etc.) sadly lacking. They're so ineffective for the rights of the children & Dads like me it is below despicable! :-( Best of Luck
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A
male
reader, dogzdinner +, writes (21 January 2007):
Doesn't realise when he's well off, does he! I've been fighting for over two years (and three Christmasses) to try and get normal access for my two children and myself(only been allowed to spend 3 hours, over 2 Christmasses, and not on Christmas Hols at all 1st year - didn't see them again for 7 weeks :-(( the system!!!) with them at Contact centres by ex, as she has new boyfriend whom apparently in my opinion she's trying to convince that I don't really want to see them!! And I've made inroads that I have myself, as have found system (Courts, Solicitors, Cafcass etc.) sadly lacking. They're so ineffective for the rights of the children & Dads like me it is below despicable! :-( Best of Luck
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A
male
reader, dogzdinner +, writes (21 January 2007):
Doesn't realise when he's well off, does he! I've been fighting for over two years (and three Christmasses) to try and get normal access for my two children and myself(only been allowed to spend 3 hours, over 2 Christmasses, and not on Christmas Hols at all 1st year - didn't see them again for 7 weeks :-(( the system!!!) with them at Contact centres by ex, as she has new boyfriend whom apparently in my opinion she's trying to convince that I don't really want to see them!! And I've made inroads that I have myself, as have found system (Courts, Solicitors, Cafcass etc.) sadly lacking. They're so ineffective for the rights of the children & Dads like me it is below despicable! :-( Best of Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2007): Doesn't realise when he's well off, does he! I've been fighting for over two years (and three Christmasses) to try and get normal access for my two children and myself(only been allowed to spend 3 hours, over 2 Christmasses, and not on Christmas Hols at all 1st year - didn't see them again for 7 weeks :-(( the system!!!) with them at Contact centres by ex, as she has new boyfriend whom apparently in my opinion she's trying to convince that I don't really want to see them!! And I've made inroads that I have myself, as have found system (Courts, Solicitors, Cafcass etc.) sadly lacking. They're so ineffective for the rights of the children & Dads like me it is below despicable! :-( Best of Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2007): Doesn't realise when he's well off, does he! I've been fighting for over two years (and three Christmasses) to try and get normal access for my two children and myself(only been allowed to spend 3 hours, over 2 Christmasses, and not on Christmas Hols at all 1st year - didn't see them again for 7 weeks :-(( the system!!!) with them at Contact centres by ex, as she has new boyfriend whom apparently in my opinion she's trying to convince that I don't really want to see them!! And I've made inroads that I have myself, as have found system (Courts, Solicitors, Cafcass etc.) sadly lacking. They're so ineffective for the rights of the children & Dads like me it is below despicable! :-( Best of Luck, John (anonymous lacks the conviction!)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2006): He is being emotionally abusive to you. Go through the courts, get child support and a visitation schedule ordered. If he wants to see his son, he'll have to see him when the visitation schedule dictates it; if not, it is not your fault. Once you have a court-ordered visitation schedule, there's no guarantee he will choose to see his son, but don't let him change the schedule on you; that will only lead to more manipulation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2005): He's the one blackmailing you. This will go on forever unless you draw a line and stick to it. He's using your fear of being the baddie to keep you from suing him for support. He left you while you were pregnant for another woman - I don't think you can come out looking too bad.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2004): Hello:) It seems like you are letting yourself be used by him. Put your foot down, set some ground rules (as hard as it may be). Tell him if he keeps jerking you around that there will be consequences to pay. Like you said courts, child support, etc... Let him know you are serious about your childs future and you do not need an in and out daddy. Set him straight. Or, leave him be. If he calls or wants to visit your son, make him go around your schedule. Make yourself seem of most high importance, too busy to be bothered. Good luck! stick to your guns!!!!!!
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