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Frank B Kermit
writes:Ex Lovers and Weddings Do Not MixBy Frank Kermit, RelationshipsIf you ever had sex with someone that is about to get married, and have been invited to the wedding, do not go. This is especially true if the spouse-to-be feels uncomfortable having you there. That is assuming that the spouse-to-be has been told of your past romantic status to the person in question. If the spouse has not been told, again, do not go.Ex lovers and weddings simply do not mix. When couples break up, or former lovers part ways, it does not matter if the sexual relationship happened in a publicly known exclusive relationship, or if it was a secret Friends-With-Benefits set up…unless you have a child with one of the spouse’s to be, and are there to chaperon the children you share, it is best to skip the wedding, and just send a gift if you really want to. Your absence may in fact be the best gift of all. I remember one wedding I attended. It was a beautiful event down to the last detail. Picture perfect moment in time that no one would ever think could end in disaster…that is until, the main of honor had too much to drink at the reception afterwards. The main of honor, still unmarried with a boyfriend in a relationship that was going nowhere, was overwhelmed with emotions that day; Overwhelmed with strong emotions, and one too many shots of tequila. Among her tears of joy (or perhaps tears of jealousy?) she began to recount to anyone who would listen about her long-standing connection to the bride. This included being best friends as children and growing up together. Where this story got troublesome at the reception is when the maid of honor began to share stories that included the fact that she and the bride sexually experimented together. This included experimenting with lesbian sex in high school, as well as traveling together as young adults on cruise ships. The more people listened, the more graphic the stories became, including details about how the two women had made a pact going on the cruise lines that they would try to pick up a man at every port they visited during the cruise and have a ménage-a-trois at every port. This was the first time I had discovered that the bride was bisexual and there is nothing wrong with that. However, what made the situation unpleasant is that it was also the first time that many others learned of this fact…including the groom. The groom had no idea of his wife’s sexual past, and it coming out as it did, was embarrassing for him. It seems that a number of the people that heard of the tales being spun by the maid of honor had later approached him during the reception. Some were looking out for him and just bringing it to his attention, while others were having fun with it at his expense. The teasing got worse when most realized that he had no idea of the details of what was being shared at his own wedding about his new wife’s past. By the end of the night, the maid of honor had made an utter fool of herself, and the bride and groom spent the their wedding night (and the next few days) fighting and working on communicating secrets that ideally should have been shared before the wedding. This story is a cautionary tale, yet I regret to inform you dear readers that in my practice, such stories happen more than people admit. The hurt, betrayal felt, and distrust that breeds from such events bring a taint to the memories of a wedding, and can crack the foundations of the beginnings of a couple’s life together. Here is a question that you and your spouse-to-be should be able to answer about one another: Is there anyone that has been invited to the wedding that has seen you naked? If you or your spouse-to-be does not have the full answer to that question, you had better come clean before those invitations head out, and disclose what you need to disclose before someone else does it for you.If you have been honest about your past, and about your ex lovers being invited to the wedding, and your spouse-to-be consents and is more than accepting of the situation, then you have a situation where having an ex at the wedding may be acceptable. In this case, at the very least, if an ex has an inappropriate running mouth, you and your spouse can be a united front to deal with the situation, and no one can use your past against you at an event, which should be a joyous celebration. If you don’t tell your spouse-to-be, you are putting power in the hands of those people who would do you and your marriage harm.When you make the commitment of marriage, part of that commitment means you are putting your marriage ahead of all other relationships. Those other relationships include such relationships you have with your own parents, your extended family, your friends, and your relationships with your ex, even if you and your ex happen to be best friends for whatever reasons you justify to yourselves. A wedding is a symbolic gesture of that commitment. You may want to consider taking the time to go over your guest list and checking it twice with your partner, just to be sure that, at the very least, neither of your sexual pasts come back to haunt you that night. Frank Kermit, ND is a NaturoTherapist/Relationship Coach covered under naturopath insurance plans. He is a best selling author, educator, relationship columnist for The West End Times Newspaper and also appears regularly on the CJAD 800 AM radio program Passion. Frank will be at the Salon de la Mariee on February 2-3, 2013 at Palias des congrès de Montreal. Come out and meet Frank in person at Frank’s weekly relationship workshops offered most Saturday nights from 7pm to 9pm.
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best friend, his ex, jealous, lesbian, sexual past, teasing, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Article
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): A salutatory lesson! Your article made me smile as it is so true. When I got married for the second time my husband to be asked if the mother of one of his grown up children could come to our wedding as they had become good friends over the years and the son wanted his mother there. I said absolutely not as I did not want anyone there that I knew my husband had slept with. Anyway the son kicked up a fuss and said that he would not come if the mother was not allowed to come and so my husband had to chose. He picked his son and the mother coming. I was furious. On the day the woman kept telling me that my new husband had always loved her the most etc etc and it was horrific. My husband kept telling me it was a load of rubbish but I was so cross because not only had he chosen to let someone attend over my wishes he also let her speak to me like that. Now I might be a bit crazy but this situation ate away at me from the moment we were married and the marriage was doomed. I divorced him as soon as I could a year later and although I mentioned other things in my reasons the real reason was the above. Never invite anyone you have had a relationship with to a wedding- it is likely to be disasterous if drink is involved and if there are any feelings left. It is also unfair as it ruins a very expensive meaningful day,
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