A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I need some help with my ex... We'd been together 3 years and split up a month ago. Since then he has been in regular contact with me (several times a week) just to see how I am and if I'm getting on etc. He also kept asking to meet up, which I didn't want to do straight away as I thought we both needed some space, however we eventually did meet the other day. We talked and he seems to have regrets about things, and I can tell that he genuinely still cares for me, asks if he can help me with anything, telling me he will always be there for me and a part of him will always love me etc.Anyway, this would all be good, but...he is now in another relationship. They met less than a week after we split, and their relationship seems to have progressed very quickly, they have already been away together and there are lots of PDAs which is very unusual for him. I asked if he'd made the right decisions about everything and he just said he's in a relationship now.So, my queations...his new relationship, is it the real deal? Can you involve yourself in a serious relationship straight after a break up? Why is he still in regular contact with me, is it just because he still cares or more? And what are my next steps from here? I really love this guy, I thought we were going to be together forever, talked about marrying, kids etc. I don't want to give up on it if there's a chance we can work things out, but at the same time I don't want to waste my time if there's no chance of us being togther. Help please!! Any advice is much appreciated, but please be gentle!
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 He's pretty much spelled out his wished here:
" He just says things are complicated in the new relationship but that he is with her now. "
He's with her. He wants to remain with her. The relationship cannot be rebuilt as long as he is resolute on being with her. His contacting you was less about missing you and loving you and more about his hedging his bets with the other girl. She is his primary focus, and he was hoping to keep you in the wings as long as things with this girl are "complicated". But she is his number 1. Good for you to stop that little game by ending contact.
Thank you for talking about how you broke up. This is actually something to ponder...how he handles stress. Truthfully, and I think you've thought of this yourself, he's not mature. He freaked with the job issue and he hedges bets with girls.
You need to move on with your life, because if you were worried about his having deeper feelings with this new GF, it's already happened. You need to emotionally separate and extricate from your ex for good.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys - I appreciate your advice.Basically for the last month of our relationship we were both really unhappy in our jobs and it started to affect our relationship. We began to take things out on each other. Thing is, we both now have new jobs (I'm really happy with mine) so I know without the job stress affecting things, we have the potential to be good again.My ex said he regretted the fact we didn't work things out and that we'd broken up. I've tried asking him to think about things, and whether he's really happy now. He just says things are complicated in the new relationship but that he is with her now. I get this, but why would he still be contacting me if he was 100% sure about things. When I last saw him, I told him I didn't want him to contact me again whilst he is with her. He seemed really upset about this, and I said I knew where he was if I wanted us to be in contact again. My plan is to not have contact for a few weeks so that I can clear my head, and hopefully the 'new relationship honeymoon' phase of his relationship might pass. I'm just so worried now that he'll start to lose his feelings for me and develop stronger feelings for her. Do you think this is the right thing for me to do, and if so how long should I leave it before I contact him again? I don't want him to think that I'm hanging round waiting for him, but I do want him to rethink the situation.Also, do you think it is possible for a relationship to be restored after all of this? I realise we won't be able to go back to where we were, but is it possible to rebuild a relationship again? The longer I spend without him, the more I can't imagine not having him in my life again.Thank you so much for your help :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 October 2011):
 Sure it can be real. Who knows when he mentally checked out of your relationship, so it might seem fast to you (and me) but it might not be all that fast for him. It might jsut be a rebound relationship, it's always hard to tell.
He needs to shit or get off the pot. Either he wants you or he wants her. By keeping in contact with you he is sorta preventing you from moving forward and himself for taking his new relationship serious.
Honestly, I would cut contact with him. Tell him you need some space and that he apperently needs to figure out what and who he wants to be with.
May I ask why you two broke up in the first place? Do you really think getting back together would be the best thing for you? and for him?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 October 2011):
You two were dating long term before your breakup, and he met her right afterwards. What he has is a rebound thing, and he isn't over you yet.
Bottom line is -- he needs to decide what he wants, because his seeing you and talking to you like he is is really hurtful to the girl he's with. If I were you, I wouldn't let him do that unless he's willing to break it off with her and return to you.
Also, consider yourself too. What made you two break up in the first place? Did you break up with him? Was there cheating? Did he dump you? You said that he had "regrets', meaning there was a breakdown in your relationship.
If you are interested in repairing things with him, it can't be done as long as there's another girl in the picture. Also, put yourself in that other girl's shoes. If you started dating a guy who wasn't over his ex, kept telling his ex that a part of him loves her and secretly met up with this ex, how would you feel?
Tell him that as long as he's with her, you need to move on with your life, and that he shouldn't contact you again. But if he is interested, he needs to let her go, because three is a crowd, and it's definitely not fair to her or you.
But most definitely your next step is not to try to "take" him back from the other girl. She's not your adversary. This has to do with your ex and not her.
Consider why he became your ex in the first place. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder, but stay smart about this.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (9 October 2011):
Sounds like he's on the rebound. He's moving really fast with this other girl but it will probably die out quickly.
Was the breakup a mutual breakup? Or did he or you decide to call it quits and why?
Obviously, he's not handling the breakup well. He thinks he'll move on if he has someone else and he'll be able to keep his mind off of you. Is it a healthy way to move on? No, I don't think so. But he's handling it the best way that he thinks is right for him.
If he broke up with you and is doing all this, I've been in the same situation. I lived with my bf and we had all the same plans you did. Then he wanted to break up, but wouldn't leave me alone and started dating someone else. It's like he couldn't make up his mind about what he really wanted. In the end, I got over it and he had a new gf...I haven't talked to him in years.
If you really want to work things out--it's worth a try if you really love him and had a good relationship. You don't really have anything to lose. Just make sure that he doesn't end up trying to jerk you around while he's still seeing the other girl.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2011): Hiya, dont beat yourself up by second guessing. Ask him straight out if there is a chance of getting back together. If he says no then maybe its best for you both to cool contact with each other until you get over him.
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