A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About 3 weeks ago, my girlfriend of two and a half years had a miscarriage, neither of us knew that she was even pregnant, until this started. Literally 2 days before that I had broken up with her because the feelings just weren't there, and she was just an emotional trainwreck. (I now know that this is due to her hormones). In the two days, I went on a date with a girl that I absolutely adored. She was amazing, and we've gone on a few more dates since then.Immediately after finding out about the miscarriage, I made the 3 hour trip to her town to comfort her and to make sure that she was okay. She was emotionally destroyed due to our relationship ending on top of the miscarriage, leaving her alone and scared. Feeling guilty, I told her that we could work on things and get back together. Fast forward two weeks: We are still together, but the feelings still aren't there. We've been arguing a ton, and I feel that I'm just there to make sure she's okay (still emotionally not 100%) which is very stressful for me. Especially because she keeps bringing up how afraid she is for me to just up and leave like I did last time.To complicate things further: I went on a date in the two days in between the break up and the miscarriage, we've gone on a few dates since then, although she knows nothing about the miscarriage, she does know that I'm still talking to my ex. I genuinely like this new girl, but I can't keep doing this. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): Do you know for sure your ex was pregnant and its not emmotional blackmail to get you back. Just let her go and both need to be with peope that make them happy.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 September 2012):
 So, you broke up with your girlfriend because you had lost interest. Within 48 hours of ending a 2 1/2 year relationship, you were dating someone else.
If you are no longer in love with your girlfriend, then break up for good. You're not responsible for her mental health, and besides, is it worse to tell her that you want to call things off, or is it worse that she finds out that you're cheating on her?
I'll tell you this, if you like this new girl enough to pursue things with her, then break up with the old one once and for all. Her knowing you're still talking with your ex (and I'm guessing that this new girl doesn't know you actually got back together with the old girlfriend, hence you still referring to her as an 'ex'?) is not the same as being okay with it.
End your old relationship. She is responsible for her own emotional condition. If she had a miscarriage, that's a tough thing, but not a reason to stay with her. Three hours away is long distance anyways.
Seriously, and I can't stress this more than this:
Don't even think of carrying on a lie of two relationships, or you'll lose both of them. Pretending to be the boyfriend in one town while pursuing a new girl is snaky behavior, which I think you're sensing, since you're saying you can't keep doing this. So bite the bullet, be a man, and call it quits with your soon-to-be-ex.
However, something bugs me. You're dating within hours of breaking up. Your soon-to-be-ex isn't the only one with emotional issues here. You have them too. Jumping to a rebound is not healthy, keeps things open, and invites just this kind of flip-flopping back and forth like you're doing. You're making a mess, hedging your new love interest with keeping your ex in the wings in case. Not cool.
Break it off with your girlfriend, then END CONTACT. End of story. Say goodbyes, the I'm sorrys, the whole works. Then move on and quit staying in contact with her, or you won't deserve this new girl or anyone else.
Do what you have to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): "I genuinely like this new girl, but I can't keep doing this. What should I do?"
Accept the reality that you took your ex back for well-intentioned but very misguided reasons (guilt and sympathy, which I suspect your ex may be exploiting by her constantly "bringing up how afraid she is for me to just up and leave like I did last time") after breaking up for valid and legitimate reasons.
As unfortunate as the loss of an early pregnancy of which she was previously unaware is, it is not the basis for continuing a relationship that otherwise would and should be over.
At risk of sounding heartless, it's okay to consider miscarriage a relief. You'd be much worse off to discover ex is actively pregnant, then you'd be stuck with her for life. No marriage and no baby means no obligations or commitments you must honor, you are free to date whomever you please.
Hate to suggest this, but could be possibility: Are you sure ex was even pregnant and suffered miscarriage? Again at risk of sounding heartless, if my ex-of-two-days made a similar claim then I'd want to see documented proof in form of medical records or doctor's report. Given the way she's playing on your emotions to keep you around, I wouldn't take her at her word. Sorry, but desperate people often resort to desperate measures to get what they want, and ex seems like she'd fit the profile.
In any event, you need to go on with your life and so does ex. Let her know you're there to lend an ear and you'll always be just a phone call away, but make the three-hour return trip to your town and resume your new life by pursuing your budding new relationship.
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