A
male
age
36-40,
*osam123
writes:This is my problem. I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now but sometimes i have to leave for work for a period of 4- 6 months. It's not often but i've been out of town for about 4 months this year.Right now i am in another country.During the summer she got a job where she had to fly to another state to sell alarm systems, she was with her team.During this summer things happened that made me question my relationship with her, i am 6 years older than her.She made friends there that encouraged her to drink and go out and party like she's still a teenager, i'm not against this but the things she did bother me. I always ask her to go out with her friends and have fun because i know it's not fair that i'm not there to take her out on a date or stuff like that.It started with these 2 guys, Justin and Chris. She met them at work. She started talking about Chris right away, about how he was such a good guy and how he was a good friend to her, i was ok with it. Then she started to talk about Justin and how he told her that it was ok to cheat if your boyfriend is in another zip code, mind you, he has a girlfriend. I didn't like Justin the second i heard from him.I had the chance to come home sooner but i didn't take it because i want to make as much money as i can so i can help her to pay her college loan and she got mad at me for it. 2 days before my birthday we argued about it and she said she wanted to break up, she took it back instantly but i didn't forget about it.Then the nightmare started.As a revenge or pay back (that's how i saw it) she started to hang out more with them, to the point that she would come home from work, knowing that i was waiting for her on skype to spend time and she would hang out with one of them or both. I didn't mind chris, he seemed to be a nice guy, even though i never got to meet him but i didn't like Justin at all. I should add that she was 2 hours ahead of me and she would come home at 1 and still hang out with them. It was 3 am for me and i had to get up early for work, i would still wait for her though.It got worse. She had sundays off, so on saturday she decided to hang out with them, during the time she was there she forgot our anniversary twice. That night she didn't come home, when i get up in the morning and called her, she said she was at the boys apartment because one of the girls (the boys slept in one apartment and the girls in a separated one) forgot the keys so she had so sleep in the couch. When she got on skype she was wearing male clothes and i asked her about it, she said she had to shower and change because she smelled like alcohol and Chris gave her clothes. It bothered me, i wont lie but it made sense, i just let her know it was kind of inappropriate.Things kept getting tense, with her refusing to go home knowing i had to go to work early, spending time with them, even when she was working, she was supposed to knock on doors alone but justin was always with her.In a week, i only talked to her like 30 min because she was too tired or too drunk.When i tried to have a conversation with her about it, because it was really bothering me, she made it seem like i was holding her back from "the things people her age were supposed to do". That hit me really hard, we never had problems with the age difference till that moment and i don't see myself as a "boring old guy" like justin told her (i'm only 26 and i work in the music industry). I asked her what kind of things people her age are supposed to do, her answer: "get drunk, get high, fuck around, sleep around".I was shocked. I went to college and i never, for a second, felt like i had to do all those things, i was too busy getting jobs to pay for my education and trying to graduate with good grades. Just like her.We stopped talking as much and i really thought about breaking up with her, the trust was fading. One day she called me when i was at work crying because Justin and Chris had said something behind her back, really mean and nasty things about her. Chris said she talks about sex too much, which she does but that's not a bad thing, sex is a normal thing and i don't see it as something bad but Chris did and it made him uncomfortable. He suggested she was "asking for it". At this point i stopped thinking he was such a nice guy. Just because a girl is open about her sexuality, it doesn't mean that girl wants to have sex with you. Justin said mean things about her work and how she should just go home because she's not good at it among other things i dont want to write here.When i asked her why he said those things she told me Justin was mad because she refused to have sex with him. My head exploded in that moment and i couldn't hide my frustration, i made a good judgement on this guy's personality and i was so mad i didn't follow my instinct.I cheered her up and asked her to forget about them.Justin and Chris got fired that day because they weren't producing and they had problems with drugs and i thought for a second the nightmare was over. You see, i'm pretty much a liberal guy, i don't think you should "prevent" your girlfriend cheating, if she doesn't want you, even when you know you are a good boyfriend, it's up to her, you can't control her and the most important thing is, sometimes we tend to over think things and that's what pushes our girls away. But at this point i believe i let my insecurities take control of me and i asked her to please stop talking to them, Justin kept messaging her asking her to forgive him and she did, eventually. We had bad fights over it, she even told me that sometimes she wants to fuck other people just to make me feel bad when i make her mad. That's pretty fucked up.She got home a couple of weeks ago and guess what's the first thing she did? She hung out with Justin, in fact, the only reason why i'm writing this is because he's at her place right now. I don't think i should teach her what's inappropriate and what isn't, she's an adult.I wont get home till the end of september and my question is, how should i handle this? at this point im disappointed on her and her life choices and i think i don't trust her as much as i did even if she didn't do anything to make me feel that way, the fact that she refuses to stop talking to this guy, even though she knows he wants to have sex with her and i hate him makes me wonder.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 September 2012):
 It might not be as messy as you fear. Her family has taken a shine to you and accepted you as one of their own. She may be feeling the same sense of obligation to this history as you but for her own reasons.
Or it could be frustration at having the worst of two worlds during your absence. The prolonged isolation of a single person with the expectations and restrictions of a relationship would tax anyone. She wasn't exactly celebrating your decision not to return sooner. She may have understood your reasons but she doesn't have to like it.
However you choose to communicate with her be sure to account for the above and, by your tone, give her permission to feel the way she does and have whatever doubts she has without accusing her of letting you down. Email might be best because it allows you to get it all out in one shot without being interrupted and it gives her some alone time to process what you've said, and prepare a response.
A
male
reader, Nosam123 +, writes (10 September 2012):
Nosam123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Ciar. I'll try that. I forgot to add that we've been friends for a long time and her family took me in really fast after i lost my parents. That's how i met her, so if i think about a break up, it'll get really messy due the history i have with them, her mom is like a second mother to me, her dad treats me like the son he never had and her grandparents helped me with college and i didn't tell her this but i got a ring to propose this summer. It could be that she feels we are moving too fast or something like that, i honestly hope i can fix this because it'll get really bad if we end up breaking up and honestly, i do want to spend the rest of my life with her but like you said, maybe i'm not part of the future she had planned.
Which sucks a lot.
But thank you for taking the time to help me figure this out. My mind is not a good place to be right now and as we speak, Justin has spent 4 hours at her place. I know this because my friend lives next door.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): It's a wrap dude. Walk away while you still have an ounce of dignity left.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (10 September 2012):
For what it's worth I thinking you may be judging Chris a bit too harshly for what he said about your girlfriend. He didn't call her names or make outlandish accusations. He simply expressed his discomfort with her behaviour. He has every right to form opinions about what he observes. And I think you should pay closer attention to those opinions, especially when they mirror your own.During the infrequent conversations you've had with your girlfriend of late she has given you reason to be concerned and you spend a fraction of the time with her that Chris and Justin do (or did). She's repeatedly expressed a strong desire to have sex with other people, she is often drunk and spends a lot of time with two men, both of whom are getting the same impression. One encourages her to act on it and the other is put off by it. You're right that sex is natural and women are as entitled as men to embrace their sexualities (sounds cliche). But embracing one's sexuality does not mean getting drunk and prattling on about it every chance you get. Defecation is also natural. What conclusions would you draw about a person who devoted as much time to talking about that?Whether geography created or merely exposed a crack in the foundation is anyone's guess but the fact remains that your girlfriend is thinking about a life that does not include you. I don't mean she is ready to jump ship this minute, but her conduct does merit concern. Send her an email listing your uncertainties. Instead of laying down rules (which as you say you shouldn't have to do), simply tell her what your life manifesto is and let her think about that and choose whether or not she wants to be part of it. You could tell her that she doesn't need you to explain what is and isn't appropriate. That she can make her own decisions, but that those decisions will influence yours. Then let her think about what that means.
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