A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I were together for 7 years and broke up but remained friends, that was two years ago since the break up and we remained friends since. We lived together, no children, but two cats.The relationship broke up because I wanted to be free for some time, I was young when I met him and had only had one other short relationship before him. It was horrendous for both of us, but I felt that it was the right thing to do at the time.So we remained friends whilst seeing other people and sometimes we had sex again. I still loved him very much despite the breakup and both of us seeing other people and even having relationships with other people.This went on for almost two years, and any "relationships" I've had have been out of our town, so that they would never be in his face, I never wanted to do that to him in all this time because I knew how he felt about me.The thing is, we are both dating new people now, which is fine, we both have the right to move on, howvever, it got particularly nasty of late. We used to text all the time, every day for the past few years, even after breaking up. Things started to get bad a few months ago when he started seeing his new partner. Of course I do not begrudge him happiness and love from anyone, but I have seen his new partner out and behaving very common with other men, and snogging the face off the guy that was with her that was supposedly her "brother", she was married twice and divorced twice with two children before the age of 30. I mentioned to him what I saw and he took it badly.However he has not contacted me since, he knows I am seeing someone new also, but would contact me regularly. About two months ago, he told me that he still loves me very much and he said that he would always love me, that no one comapared to me and they never would, that the only reason he is dating his new partner is because he cannot be with me at this moment. He said that he always wanted to be friends with me, even if we weren't together and that he never wanted to lose me.So I saw him out a different night recently with his new partner and he completely and utterly ignored me, as if I never existed. This has absolutely broken my heart. I know that I have hurt him in the past, but I never ever intentionally set out to hurt him. He told me that this new relationship was not serioius, but I've been told that not only is he making a statement to all who knows us (it's a small town)by making himself and his new partner very public, but he's also been seen shopping with the new partner and her kids and playing happy families with them.I just don't know what's going on, is he genuinely and truely moving on or is part of this just to hurt me, because he knows me too long and too well to know how much this would hurt me.It's not that I want him to be miserable and unhappy and not loved, but I've bent over backwards trying not to hurt him or rub his face in it with any partners I've been seeing.How can someone just switch off so suddenly.Also his own mother, who had been minding our two cats, as I could not take them at the time, gave them back to me recently without telling him, until after she gave them back to me. Apparently he was shocked but he hasn't contacted me to ask how they are.I'm not claiming to be an angel, I've made mistakes, I've caused hurt, but not intentionally, but at the moment, it feels like he is really trying to hurt me. Am I wrong?Also the night I saw both of them out, his new partner was seen grinding up against different guys in front of him, while they were dancing, it seems like she has no respect for herself, let alone him.Was he lying to me that he loved me? We both always had a bit of hope that we would, one day get back together. But his behaviour now, of cutting me out completley, pretending as if I don't exist, contradicting himself over what he said, compared to what he is actually doing, because I don't think I'll ever be able to get passed this amount of hurt.I was very upset when I collected my cats, as was my exes mother, it was so final, where they were both my ex and I could go and see them without any problems. I get on very well with his mother, I always did, I met her recently and she told me that she had only told him the cats were gone, nearly a full week after I took them, and she seemed to think it was funny when he expressed his shock! Why would his own mother do that to him? I suppose he had not been making an effort with the family or our cats, and I've been away due to college. Still though, to get rid of them without telling him first, I didn't contact him to tell him because I've been too upset and angry.Deliberate or not is the question?Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2015): Maybe I'm a little bitter in regards to a situation like this but if she's acting like that I don't feel all that sorry for him as he's still telling his ex he loves her and telling you that you're basically better than her. I don't think either of you are being very fair to any new partners you have what with texting each other everyday while you are seeing other people. Put it this way would you like a boyfriend of yours texting his ex and saying how great she is and nothing compares?You both need to leave each other alone. As far as far as I'm concerned he's as bad as this new girlfriend.I had a boyfriend who talked to his ex all the time, she was friends with his mother and I could pretty much tell they cared a lot about each other and I ran for the hills. Nobody wants to be some stop gap for a guy basically waiting round for his ex to maybe say she wants him back.If you don't want to be with each other, leave him in the past. The only time you can be friends is when you both have no feelings left for each other. You aren't being fair to any of his new girlfriends expecting him to stay in contact with you everyday and share pets with each other.
A
male
reader, oneguy  +, writes (9 October 2015):
 If that guy is behaving as you described, does it take two brains or four eyes to see that he has lost all aim in life and has taken to a promiscuous partner for he sees not much joy resulting out of life anymore?You say you were together for 7 years. I find your account extremely disturbing, and really selfish. I am sorry for being so direct and rude. But this is really how I feel about this.7 years, it's a very long time. It's like a lifetime. How could you leave him? Why did you? How do you hope to get back with him? God forbid, but did you leave him for a flimsy reason? Independence is a really really flimsy reason because no human is independent in any way in life.All this makes little sense to me, and knowing your personal stories/details is of no concern to us. It is up to you to think them through and ask yourself the hard questions. You seem to want to eat the pie and still have it. The ship has sailed, and some things once broken cannot be repaired.I hate it that I'm writing such a sad response to you. The only reason I'm doing it is because I think you should know the value of people and the power and frailty of relationships. I wish you both happiness and peace.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (9 October 2015):
 I do think his silence is deliberate. Here's what I'm guessing happened.
You say you told your ex about his new partner behaving badly in public (not sure if this was while she was with him or before they were a couple, but it doesn't really matter). You also say he took it badly.
He probably went home and confronted her about it, or at the very least asked questions. She probably asked who told him that and he was probably honest with her, at which point she likely threw a fit about him talking to his ex (you) to distract from her own wrongdoing.
It would not surprise me at all if she gave him an ultimatum regarding further conversations with you, especially since a situation like this sets her up to perceive that you have ill intentions and are trying to break them up. Not saying you do, but there isn't really a way to trash talk your ex's new partner (which is likely how both of them interpreted your actions even though your intentions were good) without looking like you don't want to see their relationship succeed. Your ex likely does want it to succeed - because no one enters a new relationship with high hopes for its failure - and his new partner likely does also, so they seem to have to decided to let the past go and focus on their future together.
Time for you to do the same. Take the high road, move on gracefully with your life and leave these two to each other.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes for the future!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2015): Well if this new woman who you saw snogging people and grinding up against people knew that he still keeps in close contact with his ex and is telling you he loves you and what not then I think she has every right to go round acting like that because he clearly loves you more than her.The way it sounds is that both of you are kind of using other people to get each other out of your systems. If I started dating your ex boyfriend and knew he shared cats with you and you kept in close contact with him and his mother I would run a mile.Dont worry about how this woman is treating him because he's stuck in the past and telling his ex that nobody will compare to her. That's not fair on anybody he starts dating.If you both still love each other which you clearly do then make an effort to get back with him. As for ignoring you when he was out I think that was just a coping mechanism for trying to move on from you. If there were no feelings left he wouldn't have done it. Maybe after two years he's now trying to move forward and move on with his life. You need to decide what you want to do. Do you think you want to be with him again? My boyfriend took a long time getting over the ex before me and they kept in contact and he cared more about her feelings rather than mine for a while. That nearly broke us up and I hated the fact that she was friends with his mother, that they kept in contact. Its not fair on your new partners being so close with an ex.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (8 October 2015):
I looked at your age and was taken aback that you weren't a couple of teenagers .. you played a silly game of I don't want you .. so I will leave .. but I don't want anyone else to have you as I may still love you .. you can't have a relationship when you are not invested in it .. when neither of yous are together in person . His mother saw him moving on and rightly so returned your cats .. why should she be burden with them .. btw I'm a cat or anything fluffy with cute eyes lover .. but you can see where I'm coming from I hope.It's time to take this as the final whistle .. He kept in contact solidly for two years . In my opinion to try and see if something .. I.e. you would change her mind and you could repair it.You didn'tHe is now making it official it's over .. time to get on with your own life and whatever his gf is or isn't like. Is none of your concern .. neither is if she has had been married .. she isn't counting your bed partners by which you state are a few .I'm sorry sweetie to seem quite harsh and if I do I don't mean to be.. It just when you play silly beggers. . You tend to end up the loser. . Remember in future .. relationships are hard work ..and if you love someone then you work it through .
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (8 October 2015):
I don't think it matters, honestly.
I think you both need to fully and completely move on from this relationship. You can't heal until you leave him alone and go full no contact. Oh, and quit dating guys from out of town to spare his feelings. Date who you want, just move forward.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2015): sadly you are very mixed up. Its not healthy to break up with someone and then treat them as friends with benefits during a lull. This guy has come to realise that for all your pretences he cannot kid himself any longer and he is ready to move on.You should just see this as natural progression. All this fwb was just stalling and taking the fabric out of what was once good.Now that he spends time with the kids,the cats are less important to him.He told you what you wanted to hear,just as you told him over all these years. He is looking forward to xmas with his new missus and her kids and he expects you to have made plans with someone else.He said he loved you just to keep you going until you have someone else who will say it ,but now he's moving on for sure and he wants any relationship where he's properly wanted, as hes moving away from being permanently "on call"to you.
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