A
male
age
41-50,
*ldsoul78
writes:A few months back I put up a question about my ex-fiance that recently came back into my life. Well, things have been... interesting. I'm not exactly sure where to go with this.Here's a quick synopsis of whats happened. Was engaged to this girl about 5 years ago, we broke up, didnt speak or see eachother for about 4 years, and all of a sudden she shows up to an event i was at, we start talking, we decide to "hang out".We hung out, and as per some advice, i asked her back out and got a negative response. :( or so i thought...A couple months after that went down, we started hanging out once a week (dinner or something simple), then it became twice a week, three times a week etc etc until im getting goodmorning wake up txts and goodnight calls etc. everyday. So im thinking, ok, maybe shes interested now... I spoke to her about it, and i tried to be as blunt as possible, and she said that she did want to be with me again... BUT.... shes not quite ready for a relationship. OK, i can understand that to a degree. So a few weeks go by and shes with me EVERYDAY/NIGHT we're hanging out with her friends (who started secretly emailing me telling me the "other" side of the story) One night we go out, we all get liquored up pretty good and we wind up kissing a bit. Was all good, we cuddled up at my place and slept it off (I didnt try anything... im not that douche that takes advantage of the drunk chick) So another week goes by, and she comes over and just hops in my bed... (?) So i follow we cuddle up and i try to kiss her. Well, she wasnt having it. She goes into this rant about how she doesnt want a relationship, she likes things the way they are... and im kinda left confused as all hell (well more confused than she claims to be). The next day i get a message from her saying that what she said came out wrong that she needs to clarify... OKHer clarification boiled down to her associating her being in a relationship with me with us being engaged again and shes not 100% sure thats what she wants.I told her that being in a relationship doesnt equal being engaged again, and that i already asked her to marry me, and i wasnt looking to go down that path any time soon again.She replies that she likes where we're at right now...What should i do here? I dont even know where we're at right now to even decide if thats a good thing or not. She sends all the signals that she wants to be with me... but then gets scared if things start getting "close". I truly love this girl, but im not waiting another 4 years for her to get her mind made up. She tried saying that maybe i should date other people, and when i hint that i might go down that path she gets clingy and upset (doesnt verbalize it... all body lang). How long (if at all) do i wait? Her friend keeps telling me to stick it out that shes genuinely interested and wants something to happen. Is she waiting for me to chase her or something? Im gettin too old for this shit! :)
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broke up, drunk, engaged, fiance, kissing, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (7 March 2009):
 Oh Gosh, a closer look at everything tells me - just cut contact with her. Don't wait around any longer. Law down the law, as you say!! Say listen, you're with me or you're not. Then, let it be over.
A
male
reader, oldsoul78 +, writes (7 March 2009):
oldsoul78 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the quick replies. And i can see where both of you are coming from. (in my last question, i explained that after we broke up, i did move on and wound up getting married...didnt work out so well, but I was def. over her... or so i thought) so i dont have any problem moving on, ive done it before and i can do it again at the drop of a hat.
As far as backing off... im not the one in pursuit. Shes the one that initiates the contact. I guess i could ignore her, but I do rather hate being rude to anyone. (nice guys finish last... i know)
I just cant tell if shes intentionally being indecisive to string me along and play with my head or if she really is scared and confused. She does have some anxiety issues.
I do agree that i need to just lay down the law and put it out there. Either she hops on board or im out. Thanks again :)
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (7 March 2009):
I think you really need to detach yourself from this one. I don't know if she's necessarily playing head games with you, I think that you guys have a history together and yes, she cares about you. But does she want to be in a relationship again, especially seeing as she KNOWS that you are in love with her and want to marry her? No. Because she knows that by being with you right now means that she's getting back into a serious relationship - even if that doesn't mean engaged serious.
She probably does think you should be dating other people and branching out and getting over her. Of course she gets jealous when you talk about it, nobody wants to hear about their partners moving on, even if they want them to. I've got some jerky ex-boyfriends who I am more than happy I broke up with, but that doesn't make me feel that twinge of ickiness when I see them with someone different. It's a natural thing.
I think that you need to back off and really give her time to do her own thing and figure out what she wants in her life. She may find that it is you who she wants to be with and she might make herself available to you down the road. But, she may find happiness elsewhere. I think you probably will too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): Hey,
Well, firstly from my point of view it sounds like you are truly being messed about. I am friends with my ex, but i don't go hopping into bed with him, or going out for dinner with him etc. She shouldn't be doing this to you as it's confusing. once and for all you need to sit her down, explain how you are feeling, and tell her that you need to know where you stand. What happens in 5 years time if she still isn't ready, or she decides that she doesn't want you? What a waste of your life. Personally I would carry on seing other girls, and if and when she is ready she will come to you, and then the ball is in your court, and you can decide whether or not you want her.
It sounds like she's leading you on, and you don't sound as if you deserve that. Whatever you decide to do, i truly hope it works out for the best... good luck xxx
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