A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This may be long but advice and motivation from anyone would be really appreciated!So just a couple months ago my bf of three years confessed to me he cheated on me. He told me it was some random girl he hooked up with a party and I believed it. I broke up with him right then and there. A month after the break up I sent him an email for closure and he wrote back saying how horrible he felt for what he had done and all this other stuff. And that was the end of it we both said goodbye and accepted it was over. I wasn't going to hate him I was just holding on to the good memories and letting it be and moving along.To me knowing he felt just a tiny bit bad made me feel better thinking he actually had a heart for second. But just tonight I came to find out through online, not him or anyone directly told me, that it wasn't a random girl, it was actually one of his friends. A month after our break him and her were official in a relationship. As soon as I read that and saw the picture my heart was racing faster than I've ever felt I couldn't barely breath and I was shaking uncontrollably. Horrible feeling.That right there devastated even more. I had accepted that that he cheated believing it was a random hook up, thinking he was gonna regret losing me over a one night stand. But knowing he left me for someone else hurts alot more, maybe it doesn't make sense but I can't explain it any better. It hurts alot more because it makes me question everything! Basically everything he told me in that email was all BS. He obviously did not feel as horrible as he says if he's already happy with someone else.I was so good to him I treated like any man would want to be treated. I'm a good looking girl with good morals and would have never done him wrong. I will never understand what she does better than me?I'm not trying to hate on the girl, I've never personally met her but from pictures I've seen she's cute, but she does drugs and is a high school drop out. Maybe she's just better at making him happy?I know I shouldn't care or even let it affect me but im trying my best. Two months later and it was barely starting to get easier to get through my day and then I find this out. I don't want to feel like I am back to square one. But I just dont know what to do anymore. I want this to make me stronger but I just know how? I never thought this would happen to me. How do I make this go away ? I just want to be happy once again! I want to feel like myself and go on with my days not letting it affct me, but this is pain I've never felt before. Thank you for taking the time to read my rant
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broke up, cheated on me, drugs, one night stand, want to be happy Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for all of your advice. makes me look at things differently. you guys are the reason why i love this site! THANK YOU and happy holidays! :)
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 December 2011):
 hear, hear to chickpea2011 - that was sound advice. Move on. The cheater is not even worthy of an email. Put your energy into identifying true Good Guys.
And waste not even minutes on 'almost' OK guys - you deserve to be treated with respect. By a Real Good Guy
Best wishes
Abella
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (21 December 2011):
 Hi,
You are most welcome....
I hope you feel better soon, and if you need more advice let's us know. It helps a great deal just to let all your feelings out.... Have a wonderful holidays.... Merry Christmas!!!!!
Best wishes...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou are right and thank you for you help and advice i really do appreciate it :)
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (21 December 2011):
Hi,
I know you are hurt and need some closure to get over your anger. I know you hate the fact the he lied to you so many times, even after the discovery. That means he's a selfish coward. But, if I were you I wouldn't send email or any contact at all. The best thing to do is to get away from him completely. If you keep any kind of communication it will only hurt you more and make it more difficult for you to move on.
Just know that it's not about you. As you know, we don't choose who to love. It has nothing to do with her being better, prettier or whatever. He just chose to be with her ... And that's the fact... The inky mistake he made was to be dishonest with you...
Best wishes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwould it be a bad idea to maybe email him one last time pretty much to tell him i know his "dirt" that he left me for someone else and that whatever he told me in that email was BS because he continues to lie? i dont know why i keep dweling on it
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 December 2011):
Of course he will look back on you as an 'ideal', and of course he will be sorry he lost you.
He may even try to re-start things with you, as if nothing he did in the past was a 'big deal'
But unless his philosophy to life and his values and attitudes to cheating have done a complete Change for the better, then he will still be the same Cheating Man
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 December 2011):
you are putting the blame on you. And still looking for answers in you, to identify where you could have prevented this.
You are looking for reasons in you, when the responsibility for this cheating lies elsewhere.
There are thousands of men out there who NEVER cheat
Because those men have made a decision to never cheat. It is something that that means a lot to them. They will happily say, 'no' to whoever comes on to them.
His Cheating is really really is NOT about you.
Men who want to cheat for what ever reason will cheat when the opportunity arises when their promise to you to be faithful is tested, and their resolve to 'not cheat' weakens.
His resolve could have been weakened by any variable possible, be it alcohol, who he was wife, a bad day at work. But it is not about you.
Look at major celebrities married to the most beautiful, dedicated inspiring
women - where the major celebrity goes
out one day and Cheats
Please accept that none of this is your fault.
Please accept that your beloved man who you believe in so strongly has done the wrong thing by you.
If you want a man who will never never ever ever cheat, then either your guy need to rethink his attitudes and values and motivations OR you choose to deal with your GRIEF at being BETRAYED and find a new guy who is strongly resolved to never cheat, and honestly means every word he says.
You certainly do not need to live for years to come with a guy who will lie to you, hook up with another woman when it suits him, and possibly end up giving you a STD while he slowly breaks your heart.
You really can do MUCH BETTER than that scenario above.
Best Wishes
Abella
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't help but wonder if he will regret this someday or if his new relationship will even last. I may just be over thinking but what do you guys think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo if its not something special he saw in her, what made him choose her over me? He pretty much hurt me on purpose and its not fair when I was always there for him. It makes me so sad knowing they make eachother happy and I guess I didn't which makes me feel like that was a waste ot three years
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): It isn't anything about you that caused his cheating.
Nor was it anything special about her either. Read some book on affairs and cheating and you will see this is true.
"knowing he left me for someone else hurts alot more"
He didn't, you rightly terminated his access to you, because of the company he was keeping.
As far as what he said; people are often ashamed of their actions, they lie because they don't want that other person, whom they often respect at some level, to know this "dirt" about them that they have involved themselves in.
Regardless of the reasons, when affairs/cheating are involved it begins with lying from the get-go, and the lying continues on from there.
Not your fault, you have to deal with the pain, but not everyone is like this and you yourself are a living example of that fact...and you are not alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): For your own self of esteem please remember a guy who cheats very often isn't doing it because the girl is better than his gf, he just wants the thrill and sadly no matter how great a gf he might have she can't give him that feeling of seducing and the rush of initial attraction. I can't remember what they call it but it's like chasing relationships, because they had missed the feelings a new relationship brings. It is not your fault at all. He will one day look back and regret what he did but by then you will find someone worthy of your love and attention so much more than he did.
It will feel crap now. But you will feel better! : ) you know how capable you have been of being a loyal, caring and loving person so you have all the qualities you need. Take the experience of this as one of those life lessons, it might not seem like there is any point in it now but once you are over it you will have a renewed strength. He's shown himself to be not the kind of person you need in your life.
You will always have in life people who come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is a nice outlook to have. Some people come for a reason because we are able to learn from them, or they learn from us and then out of the blue, when the reason has been served you part ways. Some people are in our lives for a season, and bring new experiences and memories but again after a time the friendship changes because as people you grow apart. Then there are the family and friends you have for a lifetime who are there in thick or thin and help pick up the pieces when our friends with reasons or who stay for a season move on. They can help you learn from the other people you have met. Imagine your bf as someone who was with you for a season, you have good memories and shared part of your life together, but now it was just time to move forwards and the way it happened was sadly out of your control but now try and focus on the future. Socialise with your friends, use your free time to get back into old hobbies or start new ones and you'll feel yourself moving on. Hope this didn't ramble too much : ) xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): Apart from the broken relationship - there is a lot of hurt pride here. So go treat yourself - try and enjoy some social life. You will meet some one else who makes you feel special. Look forward.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (16 December 2011):
Hi,
Sorry that you had to end your long relationship this way and sorry you feel so much pain.... You are classy girl, after what he has done to you, not once you cuss or called him a bad name. Also, you are very mature for your age. You are taking this with a lot of integrity, keeping your feelings to yourself. I know you must be so angry, but you don't show any rage. ( I've just ended a 10 years relationship and it was a similar situation, so I can relate to you in many ways). You don't need describe or explain how you feel, I've been there... I am much older than you, but this is my first time going through something like this, so this is all new to me...
It has been 16 mos for me now. I did a lot of thinking, reading books, doing research in the Internet, and unfortunetly there's nothing that will make this feeling go away... I know people say this all the time, but only time can makes us heal and I guess this will get better. I think it depends on the person how fast they can heal, I don't want to sound pessimist, but this will always be part of your life, this changed you as a person and you will never be the same.
Things that can help you with your healing:
* do not contact him ever again ( no text, call, msg nothing ) delete all info
* do not check his profile info again
* clean your room, get rid off everything that reminds you of him, push toys, cards, pictures, letters, gifts, everything out)
* spend time w/friends, families
* start a diary and write all your frustrations
* keep yourself busy, exercise, eat well, plenty of rest
* go shopping, pamper yourself ( new haircut, nails, etc)
You need to go through this by steps, allow yourself to feel the pain, you have the right to feel this way. Be kind to yourself. Talk to a friend that you trust, because you need to let it all out, you cannot let this bottle up inside. Search the Internet, so many suggestions, stories, you will be amazed. Just know you are not alone, this is not your fault, and you don't deserve this. I guess things happens for a reason, and I am sure if you stay strong, have positive thoughts, life will get back to normal, you won't feel pain and anger.
I wish I could help you more :( ..... Hope you feel better soon and let's us know how you are doing.... Enjoy the holidays with your friends and family and make many new years resolutions. Happy holidays!
Best wishes / good luck
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 December 2011):
Such a betrayal means that you are going through the grief of realising that he was not honorable and he was not honest with you. He was indeed not worthy of you.
what he presented to you as the "real man" he claimed to be was a lie. I guess the pressure of lieing for so long to you got to him in the end and the pressure on him made it impossible for to continue to acting in such a false way.
Now is your time to recreate your life in any way that makes you feel better. You owe him nothing. By acting as he has acted he has forfeited the right to any consideration from you.
It is sad to have to say it, but he is no prize, for he is not genuine in his approach. How could you ever rely on such a man in the future? The answer is you cannot rely on him. And neither can his other Gf rely on him.
And he put you at risk. of any STD the other girl might have had - after all you mentioned that she did drugs. Perhaps your ex had other secret things he held back from sharing with you? Did he perhaps want to get closer to this girl for more than just sex? drugs can be a powerful lure. And then ruin lives.
I think he has done you a major favor by showing his hand. That in the short term does not address your very hurt feelings. what he did was wrong, but you can recover from him and find a nicer guy.
the following grief link may help?
http://helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_breakup.htm
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A
female
reader, totty-flossy  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 First of all let me say I know exactly how you feel, the same thing happened to me! You explained the pain perfectly and i feel so sorry for you to be going through this now! At the end of the day nothing I or anyone else says will stop that pain, but if you can listen to what I say right now, you may just feel better about the future...
You are worth more than him and her put together, he is a liar and not the person you thought he was! The sooner you realise that she is NOT better than you the better!
You are blaming yourself and it isnt your fault! You may be the perfect girlfriend but that doesn't mean that you were right for each other... I know you just want him to admit this is his fault and that shes not better than you at all, that it was all him and you couldnt of done anything different, but the sad truth is, he probably wont say this... You need to take comfort in your friends, they will remind you how special you actually are.
This boy hurt you and unfortunately there isnt always an answer when it comes to relationships and emotion :( and you can drive yourself mad asking why and how did this happen. The best thing to do is completley ignore them both. Dont speak to him, dont look at his online profiles, try not to bump in to him and give yourself time to heal properly!
This is his fault, not yours! You couldnt of done anything different... This relationship wouldnt of lasted and thats because he is the way he is, and there is nothing you can do to change that. :(
You wont feel like this for long, trust me :) it gets better and makes you 100 times stronger! xxx
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (16 December 2011):
I'm very sorry to hear that. I personally know how it feels to not only find out that your significant other was cheating on you, but also that in the end, they didn't really feel that guilty about it. It definitely isn't easy and I remember the feeling of being put back at square-one after I had spent months pulling myself together.
Advice from one victim of cheating to another; remove them from your life. No more pictures, no more notes he may have writeen you, gifts he may have given. Delete him from your email, messenger, Facebook, Twitter. Get him out of your day and don't look back. If you really want to, you can send him one final message about how he hurt you, but I don't recommend it; its much better to get a head start with moving on and not give him a single chance to retaliate with more bullshit and lies.
Once they are out of your life completely, my advice is to find two specific groups of friends; a group of friends that will listen to your troubles and make you feel better through sympathy/empathy, and another group of friends who probably don't care about your exes or your personal relationships, but instead love to go out and focus on having fun and forgetting life's little misteps. This is the best of both worlds as you'll have your time to reflect and receive compassion, while you also have those who will help you forget, move on, and have fun while doing it.
Truth is, you may not get over the fact that he cheated and lied, and those are memories that will define you (but make you stronger). Accept that this happened, its now apart of your past, but NOT something you need to let define you.
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