A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband used to work for someone and he always had a questionable relatiolnship with the boss's wife. It was so bad that his co-workers used to kid him about inheriting the business and that the boss's kids were really his. He eventuallty changed jobs but maintained a relationship with them.Well the boss fell gravely ill recently and he was frequently there to assist with the running of the business. One time I called his cell phone and the boss's wife answered, when I asked for him she told me to hold on - now she has spoken to me already so I didm't quite understand why she didn't acknowledge me or say hello especially since I could hear her telling him that it was me on the phone.Well her husband passed away this week and my husband of course was there every night. I know he is attracted to her - when he speaks aboiut her his eyes light up. He was supposed to go into business with her husband this January and now she will be his business partner. He has openly admitted that he finds her pretty - his words - she is too pretty for her husband. She is way younger than I am and I feel like an old dishcloth. She has money and can afford to looknice. I'm barely making ends meet and I have all the responsibilities of running the home paying bills and caring for the children. My husband contributes financially tothe bills and food. I have no extra money to buy clothes or do my hair or anything.I just work and stay home. I am so tired I wish he would leave. Should I ask him to?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): I'm so sorry you are going through this situation.I think you should sit down with your husband and discuss the status of your marriage. Make your concerns well known to him. Ask him if he wants to save your marriage. If both of you do, then I would ask him to look for another job and cut off all contacts with her. Then you can both work towards rebuilding your relationship.If you want him to leave, I would draft up a plan to protect yourself financially and consult a lawyer about possible strategies before actually going ahead to inform him you want a divorce.If you feel that you cannot trust him fully and he refuses to leave this job or cut her out of his life, then there isn't much choice for you to do but leave. A marriage cannot work if there is no trust.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (16 December 2011):
I'm sorry you're in this position, it's a tough situation and it's not going to go away anytime soon.
I hate to say this but I see red flags every where. It sounds like there was a maybe-not-so-secret relationship between him and the boss's wife in the past - true he's not the father of her kids but rumors and jokes often have an element of truth in them. You do have a legitimate reason to be concerned now that she is single and they are going to be spending a lot more time together.
Also, you acknowledge that he has some feelings for her and attraction to her. His eyes light up when he talks of her, etc.
While I think it's normal and not necessarily bad that married people will get attracted to other people despite being married, a superficial attraction is one thing. But a deep mutual emotional connection to someone else (of which the physical attraction is a part) is a red flag for a marriage and this is what you should be concerned about.
For now I'm going to assume the worst which is that they have mutual feelings for each other since it sounds like there was a relationship between them in the past. Hopefully it's not as serious as this.
My question to you would be, can YOU live in this marriage if your husband feels this way toward another woman, even if he doesn't do anything outwardly inappropriate with her? Will it be "enough" for you if he doesn't behave inappropriately with her and continues his marital duties of coming home every night, paying the bills and raising the kids with you? Or will it put you in a state of perpetual unease and anxiety?
The thing is, since he's married to you he can and should control his behavior around her. But beyond a certain point he probably can't control the way he feels towards her. Feelings are there, whether we want them or not. So the question is, can YOU live with this marriage if he's behaving impeccably but you know that he has feelings for her and maybe her for him?
I think you should talk with your husband about your concerns so that he has a chance (or two, or more) to decide how he is going to conduct himself from now on. Don't sweep this under the rug, but at the same time I think now is also a bit premature to be making big life-changing decisions such as asking him to leave. (Of course, if you're feeling extremely badly about this all, if this has been going on a long time and you really want him to leave then yes you should do what you have to do.)
so assuming the worst that it's not just a superficial attraction between them, I think at the core of this is you need to decide that for yourself if you can handle living in this marriage knowing your husband has feelings for another woman. (because whether he "should" have feelings for anyone else or not, the point is that those feelings are there.)
FWIW, I think that if your husband values the marriage he should quit this business venture and stay away from her to be proactive so that there won't be any chance for anything to inappropriate to develop. But that is for him to decide to do.
I think at this point you should have a talk or a few talks with him to let him know of your concerns and try to work on your relationship with him. People who are content and happy in their RELATIONSHIP with their spouse, will want to protect that relationship by not developing competing emotional relationships with other people.
I think at the same time you should also keep an eye on the situation (but don't go snooping or invade his privacy) to assess if he is developing deeper feelings for her or not. It could go the other way and being in business with someone can destroy that relationship! But if you sense that he is maintaining or developing deeper feelings for her, even if his behavior isn't inappropriate, then I think you should be prepared to have another talk about where your marriage, as a relationship not just as a physical living arrangement, is headed.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 You need an exit strategy first that involves a better financial situation. Start planning now. write it all down,calculate your needs,etc. then consult with a divorce lawyer. Get some hard proof too. Don't just leave without planning your next step. luck to you
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (16 December 2011):
 Hi,
I am sorry you are feeling this way. So far you mentioned about your husbands relationship with his former bosses family, but how is your husband at home with you? Is he romantic? Caring? Good husband? Do you both spend time together, talk, do things together? How's your relationship between you and your husband?
You explained the situation and let us know how you feel. Of course, as his wife you do have the right to feel this way, concerned, having doubts, jealousy, etc. Do you have any proof that they are fancy of each other? Do they flirt? Behave unappropriated infront of you and others? How long have this been going on? Do you have any proof that theres something more than just being friendly? All he said is that she's a good looking
woman? That doens't mean anything, many husband tell their wives they think someone is good looking.
This is your life, your husband and your marriage. Unless you have real proof, you shouldn't tell your husband to leave and just end a marriage because you have suspicions. Now that they are business partnerthey will be spending a lot of more time together. You don't deserve to feel this way and live this way, so best thing is to have a talk to your husband and ask him to have a honest talk. You need to tell him how you fee. Hopefully, you both can overcome this and stay a happy family.
Best wishes/good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): if you don't want to be with him then you should leave, or ask him to like you said it. or talk to him about your insecurities. if he truly loves you he will make you see that he loves you and try everything in his power to make you happy.
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A
female
reader, totty-flossy  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 It sounds like you're never going to trust the two of them together and if they are going into business together then it will just drive you mad! Have you mentioned anything to your husband about your doubts and worries? You need to ask him to be honest with you. If he does have feelings for this lady then you need to walk away! If he says he doesn't have feelings for her then could it just be your mind playing tricks on you and is that really worth ending you marriage over?
I can understand you may feel intimidated by this woman and it wont be easyto get over these feelings, you really need to ask him to be truthfull about his feelings... If he has cheated then you should walk away and move on as you dont deserve that at all!
And as for your looks and clothes etc, well please dont even worry about that! Your husband married you, we can be quite posotive that he is attracted to you just as you are! You seem like a very hard working, responsable, loving, faithful wife and if he cant see this then he isnt worth it. But please speak to him properly before you make any rash decisions, remember you have children and a family together.
Good luck.xx
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