A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi. i know i will probably be pre judged but im 17 and im due my baby in the begining of october. i dont quite think its a question im going to ask, but i feel so down and low at the minute, and i just feel like i need to let everything out! and also, not an answer to a question, but a bit of advice :(ive been with the guy who is the father is my baby for about 4 months although we were stupidly sleeping together, we did always use protection but one night we had been out (17th jan) and we ended up back at his house when he forced me to sleep with him. i refused to have sex with him because we had no condoms on us and he forced himself onto me, causing me to get pregnant! i was 7 weeks when i found out, because althought i didnt have periods, i refused to think i was pregnant! well any way i was naturally petrified! i was single, i do have a job but no way would it be enough to keep me and a child! i was scared to tell him but on 9th march i finally had the courage to tell him! he told me it wasnt his fault and dont come to him when it wants something! well basicly i went through a shit few weeks! mum kicked me out, and the babys dad finally sorted his head and asked me out. i didnt want to be alone and i didnt want my baby to grow up without a dad. so we got together and for about 3 weeks, it was great! we were planning on getting a house together, doing up the babys room. but after almost a month of been together, we got into an arguement and he punched me, and i fell to the floor. i walked out on him but we ended up back together again, we argue alot and every time hes had a drink (which he does often) im livin at his parents house with him at the minute, which i hate! everytime were alone, he used to force me to have sex with him, but now he just hits me! he kicked me in the stomach last week and i told him if he harmed my baby that id never forgive him, and his reply was 'oh so its YOUR baby now! fuckin slut' and attacked me! i packed my things up there and then and i slept at a friends house that night, she was great! i told her EVERYTHING, everything in this post and more. and she told me that if i ever see him again, she will personally kick the hell out of me! i stayed with her for a few days, then on thursday i came to my nannas, shes always been like my mum, ive always been really close to her! and i went in crying, she said to me '*name* whats up, whats happened?' and she threw her arms around me, i burst out crying and i spilled my heart out to her! ive been here ever since, shes been a rock! really has, we went shopping on saturday, im on maternity as from friday, and because ive been saving up for the baby, well. i was saving before hand, i had just short of £4500 in the bank so i spent it on everything for the baby, i mean litterally everything i could need! and my nanna helped me out so much, she bought me my pram. shes told me i can do her spare bedroom out for me and the baby! and i can move in with her full time, which is great! and my mums coming round tomorrow for lunch which is also such a relief, ive not seen her for months. well one of the main things is, my 'ex' is sending me threatening texts, this is an actual text he sent "if u dont let me c my fukin baby ill take u to court n ill well get fukin custerdy u c*nt" and he thinks hes safe and fit to be a father! he sent another one saying "were the fuk are u? im guna fukin bang u wen i c u fukin slut" and luckily i know he wont find me at my nannas, but hes really starting to scare me! i know me and my baby will be fine, but im scared to walk the streets incase i see him! im scared of going through the labour alone, im scared of bringing up a child alone! i want my baby to have a dad! but i know no one else will want to be with a girl whos not even 18 yet and has a kid! im scared of everything, ive not slept or eaten in days, ive done nothing but cry with worry! i was in town on saturday looking at clothes for the baby and i just broke down for no reason! i dont want pitty because i know its my fault im in this mess! but i seriously dont know what to do!! im really sorry if this post wasnt necessary, but i just dont know what else to do!! theres no chance he'll get custody of my child is there? i cant help but worry about everything!!! please can someone reply with a bit of advice! thanks for reading 'x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (6 July 2009):
 you poor, poor thing. first thing: no, it is not in any way remotely your fault. that bugger forced himself upon you with no protection - that is why you are pregnant. you have taken it responsibly, though, and are preparing for your baby. he, on the other hand, is a TOTAL monster.
ok, here is the bottom line: once a man hits a woman, he has crossed a boundary that he pretty much can't go back over. and even if he says he would never do it again, in certain situations he will. and this guy is right in the habit of hitting women, and that includes you. so he is a complete no-hoper and will never be fit for any normal relationship. and you're right, he certainly won't be a fit father for a child, because i would bet money on it (if i had any! : ) that he will hit the child as well, and will say terrible things about you, and will confuse and upset the child. he will spoil the lovely time you should be having with your baby, and damage both of you, physically and emotionally.
so, forget about having him in your life. that is an absolute no.
but don't worry - it will all be fine. your only chance for a happy life and a lovely life for your baby is to be free of him, and free for some other person - a NICE one - to come along and love you both, and make a family with you. and someone will come along, so long as you are (a) free and (b) not desperate - you must be VERY choosy about who you let into your life now. a few months on your own won't kill you - but being with him, or the wrong person, very possibly might.
you might not think it, but there is a lot of good news here. you have / will have a beautiful baby. your nana and family will support you (i'm sure your parents will come round, once that awful guy is out of the way). you will get lots of support from various services. and you will have a life free of him.
all the threatening he has done, and the fact that he has consistently emotionally and physically abused you, will be enough to keep him away from you. you should go to your doctor and to the police with this information, including his text messages. you are counted as top priority vulnerable, at your age and with a baby on the way. i am certain they will help you. and don't listen to his cr*p about taking the baby off you - nobody would ever let him, with his history of violence. but you MUST report it, and explain how scared you are, and keep any helpful evidence, like the messages.
let me know how it goes. you have done so amazingly well so far. so well. you're going to make it, and you will look back on all this and be proud of yourself. and your little baby will be proud of you, too.
sometimes we just have to let go of something that is bad. i know you are thinking about how it was once good with him, and how he is the babys father ... but trust me. sadly, i know from my own hard experience. he is a bastard and will always be one, and your baby wouldn't be safe around him. look , he's already tried to hurt the baby, in your tummy. he is not worth hoping for. he is already lost.
xxxx
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 July 2009):
 Time to get a lawyer and inform the police. A lawyer to tell you your right and to get know what you must and must not do. The cops so that a paper trail is started. In harassment cases people often wait to long and then expect the police to perform magic. Sadly in democracies the police needs such silly things as evidence and judges even prefer to see a "history". Evidence is the messages and the history starts with your first complaint to the police.
Don't try to handle this yourself or think things will get better. Get legal advice and go to the police with all the evidence you can gather and tell your story.
The more evidence, the more reports there are of his behavior, the easier it will be for the outside world to form an opinion of him. If it comes to court, he will no doubt show up in a suit and have a lawyer who tries to paint him as the second coming of christ. You know different but you will need to proof it.
You are on the right path, but now you need to make sure that you can keep him out of yours and your babies life forever. There are support options out there for women like you. use them.
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A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (6 July 2009):
 Use the texts as evidence, was my point. or call the cops now.
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A
female
reader, bobbles32 +, writes (6 July 2009):
First of all dear, get something to eat.. the baby needs food. you're eating for two now.
Save the text messages he sends you. Especially the ones that show that he can be violent toward you. If you want to, send him a text saying "Why do you hit me?" and hopefully he'll respond with a reason and not deny it.
When it comes time then you two can go to court. They're not going to let someone who raped their girlfriend and who hits their girlfriend have any kind of unsupervised custody with a child, Trust me.
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