A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'll try to keep this simple, since it's a complicated situation to begin with. I'm 24 years old. I was in a serious relationship with my ex for 4 years, we shared our lives together, he even lived at my house for a year. All though we fought a lot, we did have some fun times and we were sexually compatible. He was my best friend, I couldn't see myself ever being with another man again. I know that he cared about me and tried his best to make me happy. The reason it didn't work out is because we had different goals and he was ready to move on and get married someday, buy a home, start a family, etc while I still feel like I have a lot of life ahead of me and it's taking me longer to figure out what I want to do. He couldn't accept that, so we broke up eventually. It was mutual and we agreed to still see each other and remain friends with benefits. This went on for almost a year (next month will be one year that we've been broken up), and I enjoyed having sex with him and being with him, it just felt nice to have someone to cuddle with and be there with me. Well, a couple of months ago he signed up on dating sites and I didn't really think anything would come out of it, he had a couple of girls talk to him but nothing serious. He even met someone, but it was only once and she quit talking to him. So you wouldn't believe how should I was to learn that he started to hang out with this new girl every single day. I didn't really think anything would come of it. Then he tells me that they text all the time, and he's always staying at her dorm now. I do think he's being obsessive with her, because when I first talked to him, we didn't even meet until after a month. He's known her for about two weeks. What makes it so much worse is that she wants to be my friend. She posts pictures of them on Facebook and it hurts so much to look at them. I'm not ready to deal with this, so I've cut off all communication with him. I've turned off my phone and I'm not sure how long I'm going to ignore him, but I feel like it is what I have to do to regain my self-respect. I know that the first mistake was still having relations with him after being broken up. And I also realize that I should have dealt with my feelings then, but I've waited so long and now the pain is really intense and I am so heartbroken. I feel as though I've lost my best friend. He's pulled away from me and was not calling much to begin with after meeting her. He promised to always be my friend, since he knows I have nobody else to hang out with. Should I keep ignoring him in hopes that he will somehow try to contact me? I am supposed to meet up with both of them at the Zoo next week, but I can't see myself going. I'm sure she's nice enough, but it hurts so much to see her being happy with the man that I still care about and love. I just feel like I've wasted so much of my life trying to make him happy, I made him the number one person and cut off everybody else. He was very sweet when we first met, gradually over the years he became more and more detached and acts as though he has no feelings at all. I am trying to move on as well, I've been chatting with some guys on dating sites. Honestly, I just want my best friend back. I want him to still come over, I want him to talk to me and be able to joke around and have fun like the old days. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2011): Does she know you were an ex of his? It seems bizarre to me that she would want to hang out with her new lovers ex, or maybe that's just me. Anyway by cutting off ties you're definitely doing the best thing. Sticking around will only hurt more. If he gets serious with this girl, or indeed any other girl that will only leave you feeling hurt. I always always say once somebody becomes an ex that is how they should remain, an ex part of your life. Particularly if there are still strong feelings there. Going to hang out with him and seeing him all loved up with someone else is never going to do you any good! If you do really want to still be with him I would suggest doing what the other person has suggested and talk with him about how soon he is wanting to settle down. If you can't come to a compromise or even if you don't feel all that strongly about him anymore then let bygones be bygones and cut him out for good.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 October 2011):
 Ah honey this will never work, a friendship between you both is just not possible, not when he is involved with someone else now. You need to cut ties with him now before you keep hurting yourself more and more. At the end of the day you couldn't give him what he wanted in the relationship and now he has found someone else therefore you need to try and be happy for him but more importantly let him go. He may act like he doesn't care but am sure he does. But you have been broken up a year now and yes the worst thing you could have done was continue to have sex, because once that happens the man loses respect for the woman. But it has happened now and it is now time to accept that the good old days are long behind you both. You are both moving forward in life, so be straight with him and tell him that you cannot be friends with him any more because it hurts to much to see him with this other girl and then cut contact and get on with your own life.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 October 2011):
 Your feelings are conflicted. You mentioned you can't love any other man, but you have other plans rather than getting married and having kids. Have you ever negotiated when to get married and when to have kids? I understand that having a kid would slow down your career but have you talked about how much time he is willing to wait?
The other thing I have a question is when you say he became detached and the feelings went, have you confirmed this with him and do you have this fear that once you get married he would act detached and boring? Is that the reason why you don't want to get married?
It looks to me as if there is a break down in communication. These are serious topics that can stir up power emotions. If you want to be just best friends with you ex I am afraid that's not possible because it hurts to be a friend and pretend everything is okay. If you want to contemplate on the above questions and talk to him about it I believe it's not too late. The new girl represents new hope but she can also be a rebound.
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