A
female
age
30-35,
*lancklove
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for a year. We were together every single day living together. Then we broke up cause we were fighting alot. He has asked me back in his life but not as his official girlfriend. He wants to take things slow and go on dates. This makes me feel insecure and unwanted. If we are going on dates why can we not have the title? I feel like he is using this as an excuse to look around at the same time but why would he want me back then?
View related questions:
broke up, insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, blancklove +, writes (22 November 2012):
blancklove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou all! I'm going to take these rules in effect immediately ! I'll let you guys know how it goes! Thankyou!!!!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 November 2012):
 Yes, OP, that's exactly what we mean- stop the free dates and the no strings ,no title sex- and see what happens.
At this point, it's a very necessary , I'd say mandatory,experiment.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): Wow free dates and easy sex. You're right to be worried OP, Mr. Hot and Cold is playing you. You're merely a convenience for him. I mean shit, I'll hang around with you for free dates and easy sex too if you like. What guy would refuse that? Don't even have to like you for that to be a sweet deal.
Time to take away his conveniences and see if he'll work to win you back.
But be under no illusion OP, he's with you for the free dates and easy sex, he'll turn into a nasty little douche if you take those away from, you'll see. Or he may try the charm offensive. Either way stop both of those things OP.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 November 2012):
 agree with Cindy.
New rules for "dates" and time together:
1. NO sex
2. YOU don't pay for HIM EVER.... even if he says he will and you meet him somewhere and he says "oops I forgot my wallet" or "I don't have enough" if you have purchased your ticket, go without him, if not and you don't want to go, then turn around and go home. AND do not eat out with him without him giving you enough money to cover his part of the meal IN ADVANCE.... Seriously....
best advice for now... nothing fancy... IF he calls and wants to see you, Do not do it spur of the moment (as that's probably a booty call) and meet him places where everything has to be paid in advance... very quickly you will figure out what's going on....
...............................
A
female
reader, blancklove +, writes (22 November 2012):
blancklove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess it's just really hard for me to not be that way with him. Since we did date for over a year, I just naturally feel it's okay. He said he didn't think it was bad we have sex because we were exclusive for a long time and we are trying to get back into a relationship. So you think I should with hold the sex and paying and see what happens?
" He doesn't care what you want, It's what he wants"
That is probably the truest thing I have ever read.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): Hmmm... I think you've got it wrong OP. He's NOT keeping his options open for someone else while reaping all the benefits of a relationship from you. HE knows no other girl will be a mug and allow herself to be used the way you are, so he's gonna stick around you for as long as he sees a use for you, THEN he will search for another girl to take care of him.
Quite honestly though, you give the impression (or at least to him it would seem) that you're happy to go along with things as they are. No one forces you to pay for him and no one forces you to have sex with him, he's going to take those things if you offer them to him on a plate. You've told him you want this situation to have the title (Relationship) he's told you he's not ready for that yet, but you continue throwing fuel on the fire which is keeping it warm enough for him to wanna keep sitting around it.
Something you need to learn about anyone OP, is that they WILL walk all over you and disrespect you if you make it easy enough for them to do so. You may think you're being generous by paying his way and relieving his sexual urges,and that by doing so, it is going to make him appreciate a relationship with you, but all your doing is making his life easier, and your own more complicated. He doesn't care what YOU want, he's only concerned about what HE wants.
I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do because you already know that, but you're clinging on for a little chance that he may change his mind and say "Yes babe, I'm ready to be exclusive with you", but quite frankly I don't think that's gonna happen, because that's not what he wants.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 November 2012):
Ah well, so now we have the answer regarding WHY he would want to have you back in his life while ( maybe ) he looks around for someone else : because he is pennyless ,carless and jobless, and you pay for dates. he gets to eat out, drink, go to the movies etc. , as opposed to sitting home watching Tv, - and, if he wants , also to have sex. No title and no obligations .
What a sweet deal. I am not surprised it works well for him.
Sorry to sound bitchy, then again you have a simple way to prove me wrong . STOP paying for dates or for anything, STOP having sex with him,... and see if he still sticks around after a few weeks of no perks- just your companionship and conversation. I strongly doubt it, but of course I will be thrilled to be mistaken.
...............................
A
female
reader, blancklove +, writes (22 November 2012):
blancklove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do feel like he might be using me till something better might be coming along. Im twenty and his is twenty one. I'm in college at an ivy league school majoring in opera. He does not have an highschool diploma, car, or job.. atleast most of the time. I feel like he likes what I am.. because i pay for our dates, im pretty and have a future. I feel like someone who really loved me would not want to fight with me all the time and break up. I have alot going for me so it's hard for me to understand why he does not want to be with me. He says he loves me some days and hates me the others.I love him so much but he hurts me on a regular basis. We are having sex. He says he wants to refrain but on some nights.. we both give in and he wants to. Should I say I dont want to have sex until im in a relationship? I dont want to sound like im manipulating the situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 November 2012):
I’m sorry I’d DATE him but I’d not have sex with him till he’s ready to make the commitment.
To me, he’s using you till something better comes along….
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): For now OP yes. Look why are you in so much of a rush to get back with him? You too need time to see if you're actually compatible. You can't be too happy with all the fighting you had and breaking up. You too should be looking to be cautious OP. Do you really want to get hurt again? Then you need to be careful too.
Again though OP be very careful if you're still having sex, that could well b all he wants. If you are then understand that this is only FWB's and that's unlikely to change. If he's getting that from you then why would he need to get back with you?
Look when all is said and done OP, have a reasonable time limit for this. Taking things slow is fine, being cautious is a good idea but you can't sit around forever waiting and hoping, even taking things slowly there has to be a progression, don't try and force it but if it's not happening then it's probably not going to and you'd be better off walking away.
...............................
A
female
reader, blancklove +, writes (20 November 2012):
blancklove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe just had a talk recently he said we are hanging out with no intentions of dating but no intentions of seeing other people. He said that he wants me in his life but he does not know how yet. He said because of the fighting he wants a friendship and he is so busy at the moment he wants to take things slow and not rush.
So i guess I just need to go with the flow if i really love him?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): "If we are going on dates why can we not have the title?"
Because this is a trial period, not a relationship. OP you broke up because you were fighting a lot, it would be foolish to just jump straight back in. He's testing the waters to see if the reason you fought all the time was a temporary thing or whether you just get on. No point in making it official only to find out that is the case and have to break up again.
"I feel like he is using this as an excuse to look around at the same time but why would he want me back then?"
I don't think it is, I'd say he's being cautious.
You'd never know though, he could just be back for the sex. So you may want to consider keeping that part of things aside until you're officially back together.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): It doesn't sound like he's using you while he's looking around for other women, I think that idea is an insecurity on your part. By taking things slow, he means not rush into anything, and who can blame him if the last experience was a bad one? The idea of dating is to test the waters to see how two people get along, and that's what he's doing here from the sound of it. He wants to be sure if there's any/enough chemistry between you both to make another go of things. There's no sense in rushing into things only to realise it was a mistake and have to call the whole thing off again and have a huge drama. Its easier to go on casual dates and cancel any future arrangements if either of you have second thoughts.
...............................
|
