A
female
age
30-35,
*idsummer
writes:My ex and I are getting back together after being 2 months apart. I am so happy and have always been in love with him, and he feels the same way. Unfortunately, though he can't seem to forget the time we broke up and I started talking to other dudes on my phone. I never met up with them, but my ex found out. I understand it was wrong, but we were broken up, we both were ignoring each other and saying evil shit. He says he can't seem to forget because we were both living together and had just recently broke up.How do I get him to forget this so we can move on?? If he isn't able I'm afraid us getting back together this second time won't workout :(I can't lose him, I love him so much.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 September 2016):
 Technically you have done nothing wrong . You were broken up and you had any right , 5 minutes after breaking up, to talk to any man you wanted and your bf is being inappropriate in bringing this up.
I think what he is having a hard time with is : how come that, if you love him so much as you say, 5 minutes after he is out of the picture, you are already looking for a replacement ? Is he so prompty replaceable, and if he is, how really deep your feelings were ?...
You can try and explain him that everybody has different ways to cope with the pain and the stress of a break up . Some people just shut themselves off and only want to mourn the loss of their relationship in solitude. Other people react by , au contraire, reaching out and trying to make new romantic contacts... if nothing else to feel good about themselves and reassure themselves that they are still likeable and lovable.
They say that when you fall off a horse, you have to climb back up immediately , before a fear of horses sets in... maybe that's the method you applied during your break up.
He should be able to understand it , that loving someone , and deciding to move on asap when things are ( or look ) irremediaby broken down, are not mutually exclusive. Of course , though, understanding something rationally, is not the same as accepting it emotionally, so it may be that even knowing that you did nothing wrong at all,... it still rankles that you did it. But that's something that he has to deal with by himself ; you cannot make him "dis-remember" what has already happened, or undo what is done, so it is his choice if he wants to focus on the past or on the present.In fact, he should agree to never bring this subject up again, to wipe the slate clean and start fresh ,if he wants you to have a fair chance of lasting together. Otherwise yes, it will only be a waste of time and just one more issue about which to fight.
Btw: in any case I would think long and hard before restarting things. Really long and hard. This was always a very conflictual relationship with lots of issues which led to this recent breakup. It's not that if you get over this hurdle of you chatting up other guys, everything will be peachy as by magic.
You love him deeply , OK. But... aren't you seeing that just love is not everything, for being able to live together ? And , anyway, isn't love supposed to make your life better, fuller and happier, isn'it it supposed to be a GOOD thing ?... So what's the point of loving someone / being loved , if at the end of the day love makes you feel anxious and miserable and live among constant conflicts ?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2016): What you did was technically allowed. But emotionally you should have expected your BF to feel betrayed by it. You were still living together and you were still so emotionally connected that you were still trying to hurt each other. That is not broken up no matter how its labeled.All you can do is point out the logical facts to your BF. What you did was not against the rules. If he agreed to those rules then he has to accept the consequences without a grudge. Its his problem to fight his emotions now. You can be sympathetic that this hurt him but don't feel guilty. Don't put up with abusive angry behavior from him. In the future don't expect a relationship label to override intense emotions. That is not how people work. You both need to learn that lesson.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (2 September 2016):
 Um... he needs a reality check. Broken up business is your business. He has his nose pushed out of joint but that is his problem to fix not yours-you have done nothing wrong here. I would suggest you make it as crystal clear as you can that if he is going to choose not to let it go there is no point it trying to make a go of things. Reiterate that you have done nothing wrong nor have any desire to know about who or what he did and you wont again engage in any further conversation about it. If he can do that great, if not then maybe this is not that good of an idea.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (2 September 2016):
 It wasn't wrong at all. How can speaking to someone new to get over an ex be wrong?
If we're using that logic then it's wrong to get a new relationship after your first one fails lol
He needs to man up or as honeypie said he will probably end up using it against you in future.
You've done absolutely nothing wrong.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (2 September 2016):
 What Honeypie says, especially the last bit. What either of you did while you were apart has absolutely nothing to do with the other one. It is what happens while you are together that counts.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2016):
 Why was it wrong for you to talk to others during the break up part?
I think that is ridiculous.
If he can't forgive it and ACCEPT it, then don't START back up. Because HE will USE that as an excuse for him to do thing in the relationship.
You can not "make" him forget. What you CAN tell him is this:
While we were broken up I could talk to ANY dude I liked, and you to any girl you liked. I could have went on dates if I wanted and so could you. IF you can't let go of that FACT, then maybe us getting back together is not going to work. If you however CAN accept that... I will BLOCK and delete that guy's number and any other contact info and NOT talk to other dudes and I will presumes that you will not talk to other girls in a romantic fashion either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2016): From experience if the person you cheated on keeps bringing up pass mess then you weren't forgiven.I wouldn't go back I would pick myself up and just live my life it doesn't matter how long you have been with this person If he hasn't forgiven you you don't need him.
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