A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. My boyfriend and I had been together almost five months but have been friends for about a year. We had the most amazing relationship. We both had said that we had a stronger bond than we'd ever had with anyone else. We tackled any problems together as a team (as I do tend to get a bit insecure) and I can honestly say we trusted and loved each other so much. We both commented about how easy it was and how much we just click. Despite us both being super busy we spent an awful lot of time together and were very loved up. A couple of months in he expressed that he wanted us to save up to buy a house together next year. This sounds crazy and we were both aware of that but we were also extremely certain that it was what we wanted. We get on extremely well with each others families and friends - often spending time with them too. Everything was perfect - I'd even gotten to the point that I was completely secure in the relationship...any slight niggle I had was quickly extinguished because I knew he loved me. Until his nan died. She'd been ill for a while but was recovering and then died suddenly. The first thing he did when he found out was call me just to "hear my voice" and say that he was going home to see his parents but that he'd need me that evening and told me he loved me. Within a few hours he'd decided that he didn't want to meet up. From this point on things weren't the same. We didn't spend as much time together and he seemed to withdraw from everything he enjoys. After the funeral (which he didnt want me to attend) we spoke and eventually he broke down. Asked me what was wrong with him, wanted cuddling and comforting and said he'd been struggling to deal with it so had shut everything out. We spoke it through - how he was feeling about everything and it seemed to help. This was followed by a week of closeness. Then he began to withdraw again. We'd barely seen each other and he'd stopped ringing me on his daily commute home - something we both used to cherish. He had said to me three days before that he loved me and that he'd been chatting with some of his friends and they were moaning about their girlfriends and he'd said that he was happy and told me he was so lucky to have me. I said that we were lucky to have each other. A couple of days later I had stated that something felt wrong and we agreed to meet up. He turned up shaking and crying and said he wanted to end it. That he didnt love me anymore, didnt feel a spark/connection, saw me as more of a friend. By the end of the conversation he had changed his mind and we agreed to try to make it work, to go back to spending more time together like we used to. He had admitted that he felt embarrassed about not dealing with his Nan dying, that people die all of the time and it shouldn't affect him like this. That he doesn't want to get up to go to work in the mornings. That he will be speaking to someone and then wants them to F*** off for no reason. That he doesnt enjoy his hobbies. That he has felt numb and that he had let himself go physically. His Mum had suggested that he see a councillor and I talked him into this - he rang to make an appointment with his GP and has been referred. For the following week it was amazing. We spent time doing everyday things together - washing the cars, baking cakes for work, going to the gym, and just hanging out. I was scared about being intimate with him after him saying there was no connection but when the time came it was just like old times. I had asked him how he felt - and we aren't the type of couple to ever lie and I asked him to be honest and that I knew it might not be a quick fix. He told me he was really glad that we'd decided to try, that he regretted what he said, that he did feel a connection and that he trusts me more than anyone and takes me for granted. Within 24hrs I got upset at him (was feeling insecure) and he told me it was over. That he doesnt want us. That he wants to go travelling and focus on work and doesnt want a relationship. That we dont work. That we dont have enough in common. We spoke at length and he made it absolutely clear that he is still closer to me than anyone else and wants to remain friends. My head is understandably scrambled and I dont know what to do. Any advice is much appreciated.
View related questions:
insecure, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 July 2018):
 From reading your reply it sounds like you are still clutching at straws in hope that he will change his mind but all you are doing is prolonging your own pain. Yes he is grieving but that doesn’t mean he should take it out on you, he is still an adult and he should think about how you are feeling also. It is clear he cannot handle a relationship at the moment and for your own sanity you should try and distance yourself from him, keep out of his way at work and honestly don’t go to the gym with him it will only keep messing with your head. He doesn’t want to be with you at the moment yet he still wants to lean on you but that will leave you hurting and confused for longer than nessecary.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2018): You are not an emotional punchbag and he has no right to treat you as one.He may be in grief but his new talk of travelling may indicate that he is going to inherit some money and have the means to do so.He has made it clear that he wants to have his future alone.He need not push you away but he wants to.I think all the answers are good but as you need a day to day strategy I would suggest make a point of filling your life with anything that isnt him.It is mindblowing how you can be so close to a person and then they throw a spanner in the works that side blinds you.When this happens you have to try to adjust.Clearly you have done nothing wrong but your guy is not being kind to you.Basically from the moment he went home to mamma he closed ranks on you.The message was "Its our families grief and it does not involve you!" Thats why I read into it that there may be a will that goes to probate and inheritance money in the future.But again this is their families money and not yours.Your loving heart is being hurt by this closing of ranks which is why I would take him at his word and drop him as a partner.I hope you meet someone who is kinder and doesn't play at closing ranks in their family.Maybe you are suppossed to be with a more loving family with a future that includes you.I would disengage from him and be less available.Let him ask others "did you see my ex at work the other day!" rather than you enquiring after him.You have your own intrinsic value.Time will prove that to you!Imagine if you had children together and they just closed ranks around you again.It is so easy for them to do this and is a form of bullying.As you have got time on your hands then why interest yourself with a dysfunctional family?Being part of a dysfunctional family can be a life long burden which has endlessly repeating patterns.Its more about showcasing what they think they want the world to know about them than anything else.So as you have been peripherisedmore than once you could send a touching condolances card in which you write about touching moments and thoughts.As you put the pen down and post it you throw away all thoughts of them because that is how emotionally shallow they are.Technically of course it would be a touching email or text.You can acquire the touching message online.So the person reading it assumes you have put all your thoughts and energy into it but they dont condescend to anything more than thanking you for your kindness.Thats how "show-emotions" work.No real feelings but it sure looks good!You are a relatively short term fix in his life.5 months together is nt particularly long in the greater scheme of things!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2018): {EDIT}:
Corrections made:
"The feeling of loss, and knowing you will never see a loved-one again, is very hard to wrap your head around."
"I had to be strong. I live the farthest away; and I couldn't stay with the family."
"I knew they were hurting terribly; but like me, we kept it under control."
" I was numb from head to toe, and it felt like my heart could stop any minute."
"I've lost both parents, two other sisters, and my partner of 28 years."
"Because you've lost all your strength, and you have no more to give. He needs time to rebuild his strength; and for now, it's not about you." (This comment was made in reference to your boyfriend, not meaning you.)
"Your father's or mother's mother!"
"Helping you also helps me."
"He'd grab me, and totally lose it!" Meaning he'd cry uncontrollably. He held it in too long.
Sorry for so many typos!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2018): This is pretty complicated; but I have my own personal experience to draw upon, that might help you to understand things. You won't like much of what I explain to you; because you want to be comforted and reassured. I promise you, once you have a better understanding of things, you will find comfort.
Grief is a very powerful emotion. It competes neck to neck with love at times. The feeling of loss, and knowing you will never see a loved-one again, is very hard to wrap you head around. Finality is hard to adjust to; when as you were growing-up, that person you lost was always there. If you have not lost anyone especially close; you won't quite understand. Even if you have, you don't compare your losses and grief with those of others; because you have no right to. Just because he's a man doesn't mean he should handle it better. He handles it the best way he can. Men have enough demands and pressure on us proving our manhood. So we have to behave irrationally sometimes.
Men and women have all the same emotions; because we are human beings. Men and women don't process or express our emotions exactly alike. We cry, we laugh, we have sorrow, or joy; but our brains work very differently, and grief is not handled the same way. In fact, each individual will handle their grief unique from others; because it is based on personality, what you've learned through life, your psychological make up, your values, and your level of maturity. The depth of your grief will vary according to the loss.
When you said his grandmother was recovering, and suddenly died. I can relate to that. My sister passed away the end of May. Just as his grandmother did, she got better and was sitting-up chatting with family and her children. Suddenly, she was gone. It was a shock to everyone; because we weren't prepared. The mind is tricky. We knew the nature of her illness, we knew the chances of survival, and we were somewhat prepared for the outcome. We prayed a lot, we visited her everyday; and we watched her improve so well, she was taken from the intensive-care facility and placed in a normal hospital room. Her heart weakened, her blood-pressure took a dive, and she was placed on life-support. That snatched-away all our hope. She lost consciousness. Two days later, she passed.
I had to be strong. I live the furthest away, and I couldn't stay with the family. While there, I put my grief on-hold in order to soothe and comfort her husband and children. Then I had to comfort my other sisters; while my brothers seemed to handle it pretty well. I knew they were hurting terribly, but like me, we kept it under control.
When I was alone, it was like my soul slipped out of me. My heart sank. I could not feel. I was numb from head to toe, and if felt like my heart could stop any minute. My feet felt heavy, and I didn't know I could produce so many tears. I felt weak and limp. I don't like to be around people when I'm like this. I've lost both parents, and two other sisters, and my partner of 28 years. Do you handle the grief better? Most emphatically not! Each loss is as painful as the last.
Your boyfriend's emotions will fluctuate. He doesn't know what he's feeling; because grief will depress you, steal your appetite, make you withdraw, and it will even make you laugh and feel great for a few days; then it hits you again like a ton of bricks.
You explained yourself to be insecure. I will tell you, that's the last type of person you want to be around when you are grieving. Someone putting their own feelings in the way of your sorrows and pain you feel for the loss of someone you loved very much. It's not a good time to compete for his affections. Why? Because you've lost all your strength, and you have no more to give. He needs time to rebuild his strength; and for now, it's not about you. He's the one who had a terrible loss. He has to deal with his pain as best he can. Sorry, but that's how it is. You can only help when he reaches out for it.
You were platonic-friends who transitioned into a romantic-relationship. I have warned readers that there is always the risk that a friends-turned-lovers relationship can revert back to just-friends at any time. Only in this case, he may be suffering depression; and your neediness is too much to handle. You are hurt and your feelings are equally as important; but not to someone who was hit with such a loss.
A grandmother is your other mom. Your father or mother's mother! So it's a double-whammy knowing one of your parents lost a parent. It hits you that it could be one of your own parents someday! If this hurts so much, you don't want to know how bad the pain will be someday. I know. You don't get over it, you just live with it. The grief subsides; and occasionally returns.
Men are like wounded beasts; we pull-away and hide to lick our wounds. Men don't get to openly show emotions like women; and we feel better controlling our emotions, than allowing our emotions to control us. You wouldn't understand that no matter how well I try to explain it. Yes, we cry and may show vulnerability; but that's during our darkest point, when we can't hold-back. Then we lapse into a period of rage and we might withdraw. We can be loving one minute, and untouchable the next. I can say, I know exactly what he may be going through.
My boyfriend has been a peach. He gives me space, and knows exactly when to step-in. His 19 year-old nephew died in a car accident last September. I know exactly what to do. I was close; but allowed him to pull me closer when he needed me. Otherwise; I gave him his space. I understood his moodiness, why he snapped at me, and why he was feeling down. He'd grab me and totally lose it! Then he'd be quiet for days. He has a big business to run; so he submerged himself. I fully understood why. I need him right now, and he's there. Help you also helps me. Reading the words Honeypie and janniepeg said also helps me. We heal each other here, as well as the OP's.
I'm much better now, but I have my moments. Writing and helping people like you gives me peace and comfort. Putting others ahead of myself helps.
Your boyfriend doesn't know what he's feeling right-now; because grief overtakes and distorts your reasoning. Your emotions are out of whack, and you don't feel your love like you normally do. You just feel loss. You are so young and inexperienced; so this is so very hard on you, and I understand. Please encourage him to see his general-practitioner to be evaluated. If he has clinical depression; he might be referred to a specialist or grief-counseling.
For now, allow him to do whatever he must to deal with his grief. He will not make sense. He will do things out of character, and he will seem anxious and touchy. He will be withdrawn and sad; then he will perk-up and seem his old self. This could go on for months. Longer, if he is actually suffering from depression. Speak to his parents and see if they can encourage him to get grief counseling. He may not listen to you; because he is also grieving for you too. He just doesn't feel strong enough to give you the attention you need right now. He is zapped of his strength.
I'm not making excuses for any of his bad behavior towards you. That's uncalled for, even in grief. When you reach the point you are being mean to other people; then you need professional counseling. Grief makes you do things you don't normally do; but hurting people or being cruel is a whole different ballgame. Being an assh*le is outside of grief.
The stuff about not loving you and all that, is not true. He's saying that to help you let go; so he can go about his journey to recovery and healing himself. There may be little time and insufficient energy to carry you both.
I'm older, and I can handle my grief. I am also a person of strong belief in God. My faith gives me much strength and comfort. I'm doing fine, but there was a time when I handled grief very much like your boyfriend. I've never reached the point of depression; because I run to my support-people when I feel myself falling. He'll come to you when he needs you. You're the best thing that ever happened to him. You are kind, loyal, and will go the extra-mile out of the purest form of love. He really needs you, but he can't see that right now. He may have decided long ago that his romantic feelings have changed. Grief may have made it clearer to him. Love remains, maybe not the type of love you want.
I apologize if I haven't been much help; or if I made you feel worse. I wanted to help you understand something about how grief works in some people; but it's not always the same for everyone. Your personality, and how you're put together psychologically; has a lot of bearing on how you deal with love, loss, regular emotions, and your temper.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (30 June 2018):
 OP, I'm sorry that you are going through this. When someone we love is hurting, we want to reach out and comfort them, do everything we can to make them feel better. Everyone has to grieve in their own way, in their own time. Some people cannot handle grief very well and apparently your boyfriend is one who pushes everyone away. All you can do is offer to be there if he needs you. Your boyfriend is so inside of himself that he doesn't seem to see how much he is hurting you. Yes, its rather selfish and mean but thats how he is trying to cope.
My ex husband lost his dad and for all intents and purposes my husband had a nervous breakdown because his fathers death was sudden and not expected. They were very close. My husband turned into a totally different person shut out everyone in his family and turned to drinking. It ruined his life and our marriage, his relationships with his children. He absolutely refused to seek out help.
I have lost both my grandmother and my father in the last several years. I loved both of them dearly and was extremely close to them. I'm a very sensitive person and trust me, it hurt so very much to lose them but I didn't change who I was. I cried, I missed them (still do!) but pretty much grieved silently. When I felt really sad and missed them I would think of happy things, times we laughed, ect to get me through the bad times. I found ways to cope but didn't shut people out of my life.
Only you can decide if your former boyfriend is worth waiting for, hanging around for. True he is hurting and confused but sweetie..don't put your entire life on hold for him as much as it may hurt you. If you think you can be friends as the other aunts have said..then be his friend. If you can't...then walk away. You know that in your heart you tried. You can always leave the door open for him but I wouldn't just stop your life waiting for him to figure out what he wants. I'm sorry he didn't turn to you for love and support (Well he did but was quite erratic about it). People are strange and will sometimes push away the very people they should be turning to. I hope things get easier for both of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2018): original poster - extra info... We'll still be in each others lives as we have the same place of work and same workplace friendship group (although he doesnt work directly in my department). He has expressed that we could still do things together - go to the gym etc but has made it absolutely clear that he doesnt want us anymore/feel this way. This has got to just be grief talking right?He's the most lovely, sensible, calming bloke ever. When I spoke to his parents about the councillor situation and stated that he cried and was shaking when breaking up they had told me that he never gets like that. When he ended it, he sounded rational but still cried etc. I feel like I shouldn't give up on him. Give him space and show him that I respect his decision but still stay close - go to the gym now and again. Message about our favourite tv show. I'm inclined to think all is not lost. Thoughts?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 June 2018):
 He is grieving and being unfair.
If he doesn't know what he wants he should stop this push/pull game with you. If your insecurities was too overwhelming for him on top of the mourning, ending it with you is for the best. He might not be in the right head-space to date anyone right now.
I'm sorry he lost his nan, losing someone near and dear can be a hard blow and it can take time to get over. But that doesn't mean he needs to take it out on you. I hope he ends up getting the counseling he needs.
If I were you I'd decide if you can handle being his friend or not. The break up might still be rather raw for you so staying "friends" might not be beneficial for you. If you can handle being his support net, then do so, JUST remember you won't "win' him back either way. So maybe going no contact would be the best for you. So you can work on moving on from him.
Just know you can't fix this by loving him. He will have to work through HIS grief, you can't do that for him either. I know it's hard to watch him and to feel powerless to help.
BUT remember he DID say I don't want a relationship. You can't change his mind on that nor should you. Instead figure out what you need in your life and if you can handle "just" being his friend or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 June 2018):
 He is grieving, and he can't think logically. He lost someone dear to him and while you can go on with life happily, he thinks he simply can't give you what you need. Life is not perfect, and to think that relationships can only go on when two parties are 100% happy all the time is unrealistic. You don't know where you stand now, and it's normal to feel this. You have to rely on yourself to know your value to him. A death in the family does not change the nature of your relationship, and you know this. He is not in the right mind to make any decisions. Just like if a person is not of sound mind, you won't propose marriage to him, right? One good thing to know is that he can be very attached to a person, and he wants to give 100% in a relationship. If he can't, he will back out. You can still hang out with him if he asks, but you can't expect him to be back to where he was when everything was perfect. I know it is unfair to you that he's leaving you hanging, but demanding an answer for him would only give him pressure and push him away. If pushing you away is his way of grieving, let it be. If your love is real he will come back to you. I do realize depression can be chronic in people, so you still have to be realistic about what you want in your life and set a time limit, but don't tell him now about any ultimatums. You need a man who can be a hero, not crawl in a hole indefinitely leaving you alone.
...............................
|
