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female
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*25
writes: I've been seeing this man for the past few months everything was fantastic up until a couple of weeks ago when he told me he was living with another woman i was devestated when he told me this he said they had been together 12 years (he's only 27) but only moved in together last year, he told me that he doesn't love her and wants us to be together, i have never gotten on so well with anyone before as what we do and i have really fallen for him in a big way! i told him i needed some time to think about things but decided that i wanted to be with him, i told him this and also said that i wouldn't be prepared to be the other woman so he had to move out, he said he was going to catch her after work and tell her, he said he told her he didn't love her and that things aren't working, she smashed his car up along with other things but a week later he's still living there in the spare room, thats what he tells me anyway! he says he will leave but i need to give him time.I feel terrible about all of this i can't eat or sleep and i'm constantly upset it's driving me crazy!Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): Hun, this man of yours should have gotten out of this relationship, before he had even gotten involved with you. This is the consequence of what his self-serving, unthinking behaviour has done. He has deeply hurt someone else and now due to her explosive reaction, he is finding it difficult to leave her. Where is all this 'melodrama' leaving you? Sitting on the sidelines, frustrated, stressed out and sad due to all the uncertainty. It’s time to talk to this guy. He needs to stop playing this game. You have to remember, when you love someone, nothing can drive a wedge between two people. Whatever life throws at you, you deal with it together. So I am questioning his true feelings for you. His live-in gf is a wedge and he's allowing it to happen, irregardless of how hurt it makes you feel. How much longer do you want to feel this unhappy. Sometimes, when men do things like this...we have to get it in perspective and look at the hard reality. His inability to move out on his gf to be with you, should give you pause to think long and hard about where his heart's allegiance really, truely lies. Time will reveal the difference between infatuation and real love, here. I suggest you set a time frame for him. If he loves you and wants to be with you, tell him he has 4 weeks to move out of his home and start a future with you. If he doesn't, then you need face the loss and move forward without him and be prepared to follow through. If he chooses to stay with her this will mean that he wants to stay with what is familiar and steady, and evidently after 12 years together...'she' is very familiar to him. If he does move out to be with you, his current live in gf..has to learn to let go of her and move on. There is no way for him to make a decision without one of you being hurt--it's inevitable.
I agree with the other poster when they say you should just dump him. You would be much better off to pull back, heal, recover and find a less complicated love interest. Not a good option, I know, because I'm sure you love him. But sometimes, we have to discriminate a man's behaviour to get to the crux of who he really is. Love can blind the most sensible, smartest woman, but we have to also use rational thought and base good decisions about our future on ratuionale. He tells you that he sleeps in the spare room, but how do you know for sure. You have a man, who has cheated on his current gf with you. If he had been fully committed to her, in the first place, he wouldn't have given you a 2nd look. If he was unhappy, he should've left her a long time ago and never gotten another woman (you) involved in his relationship problems. I am sorry. I would think it would be far less sefish of him, to come clean and just leave her, so that she is able to heal, recover and peruse a life that would bring her happiness.
So what I will also suggest... is for you to really learn to care for yourself in the emotional sense. Do all you can in your own life, to distract yourself and keep a distance from his problems and regain some strength and independence, of your own. Doing this protects yourself from his toxic problems and you aren't wasting your time thinking about him when you could be doing more positive, exciting, interesting things for your self. This way if he doesn't ever leave her to come to you, which is a huge possibility-you'll be in a better postiton of strength to pick yourself up and accept that this relationship may not fly. Plus it gives you the courage, dignity and confidence, you'll need to go it alone without this man. Just remember too...the world is full of men who would benefit from knowing you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): Don't believe him. finish the relationship and tell him you'll welcome him back when he has left her for good.
You are second best here, he'll tell you all he has to to keep you hanging on. If she forgives him he'll choose her anyway as they have invested a lot of time with each other.
12 long years. She deserves better and so do you..
Sloppy seconds thats all you'll be.
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