A
female
age
30-35,
*arcode12
writes:I have just gonna engaged in May.. I have known him since 2007. We have been good friends since then. I have never noticed his presence in my life. I always end up with different guys and run to him crying confiding to him my breakup stories. He has always been there for me despite the fact that I will always choose other guys.So in 2010, after years of him trying to show himself to me. I begin to realise that right Infront of me is the guy who loves me so much and never fails to be there for me. I finally decided that he's the one for me. After 2 years of being in relationship he proposed to me. Our wedding is exactly two years away. Life being engaged, Is not so easy. I don't know why we argue a lot. Things are rocky for the first time ever. I love him very much and I know he does too. But frankly, I'm beginning to be tired of all these arguments. I'm starting to feel like I want to drift from him. I don't feel the chase anymore. I just feel like I'm just a daily routine, no longer a need. Does anyone knows the remedy to this? Prolly remedy to spark things up again or just advice on what's best for us?
View related questions:
engaged, spark, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, barcode12 +, writes (24 September 2013):
barcode12 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi guys!! I appreciate your answers very much. It really helped me out. I finally learned to listen and not be defensive for once. And it feels so good to not bottle things up. Although it was ugly having tears flowing down my face but for the first time ever I feel so free it's like a huge burden off my chest. Suddenly it feels like I'm in cloud nine all over again.
I even showed him all the answers I got and he's very happy that I actually had the initiative to do this. I guess communication is the main key. I'm determined to be a better person to him and everyone around me. Thanks once again. God bless! :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): Your fiance' spent several years with you as your therapist and confidant. You didn't even notice him, then suddenly you realize his existence. There he is, right under your nose. Maybe you just gave up, and settled for what was convenient. It's all starting to surface.
There is such a thing as over-confidence. You feel he knows all your quirks and flaws. You've spilled your heart out to him; so you take it for granted that some of the things you do should be okay. You feel he knows you well enough to dismiss and forgive anything, and everything. You may not treat him with the passion and intense attraction you've shown toward other men.
You may have set high expectations for him, and quickly admonish him when he falls short. He is expected to be the perfect male; because he should feel privileged to have you, after wanting you for all these years. You may come across a little smug from where he sits.
You probably treat him more like a girlfriend or best friend, than a man. He patiently attended to your feelings for many years, and he suppressed his own feelings as he stood by you. You probably still exhibit the same behavior that lead to past breakups, and never bothered to change anything about yourself. You never owned any blame for your past breakups, it was always "the guy's fault." You're doomed to repeat those same mistakes in your present relationship. Think about that.
Well, no one knows your feelings and flaws better than he does. If you argue, you're too busy being on the defensive to listen to his side. In fact, you're so used to playing the victim, you've never seen anything from the other side.
Try seeing things from more than your own perspective.
Don't project your past negative issues with other men onto him.
The first thing that often flies out of an angry woman's mouth is: "you're just like all other men! I thought you were different!" He doesn't want to, or have to, live up to that. He is who he is. The guy who loved you in secret.
Arguments either have an obvious reason, or an underlying reason. Anger and pride usually distorts, or obscures, the problem behind the disagreement. You used to being heard, not listening. You've appointed him to be your official listener, you don't hear his side. You have tunnel vision. You see what you want to see, and hear what you want.
Here's my suggestion. Make a list of the things that you commonly disagree on. Issues that seem to polarize you, and you just can't seem to resolve. They are usually those things dug up from old arguments; that get thrown back and forth in every new argument. It means they haven't been addressed and will end your relationship. Unresolved issues turn toxic with time. They will eventually erode your feelings for each other.
That's your problem. That's what you need to calmly sit down and talk about. Then reach a compromise and sincerely make an effort to fix what you do that hurts him, and let him know what he does that hurts you. He will distance himself when he sees he isn't getting his point across.
Men fight or flee.
You both have to listen. Ask him what he needs and what you're not offering. Then shut the hell up, and listen.
He's listened to you for a long time. He has more than a pair of ears to hear you, and shoulders for you to cry on.
He has feelings, his own problems, and he is not there to fix and repair all your problems. It's burdensome and irritating. You should be strong enough to prop yourself up and to see to his needs. It's not just about you. He needs to see your strength.
He needs to feel you want him, not just need him.
Maybe other aunts read things differently from what I do.
I suspect you have a man who feels less than a man; because he doesn't bring out the things in you he saw you offering other men. I see his tiring of begging you for attention and affection that he saw you giving away abundantly and so willingly to other men.
If you sincerely sat down and try to listen, without fighting back. He may just tell you a few things you may not like to hear, but need to hear. H-E-A-R! That requires listening. Try to control your emotion, and use your sense of logic and reasoning during your talks. That way, what he says makes it to your brain for analysis. Putting up shields and walls will end the relationship, long before you reach the alter. That goes for both of you!
What has changed is, he is now your man. Not your therapist and emotional crutch. Forgive me if I'm totally off the mark.
...............................
A
male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (24 September 2013):
I know very few men that could stomach listening to women tell them about their unsatisfied relationships with men. I know i had a problem when i briefly dated a woman where we were not intimate and no sex of any kind happened. We dated on and off for almost a year. Then she went a met somebody and immediately became intimate and very sexual. This happened all within two weeks. I do not know if this directly happened to you. But correct me if i am wrong you had what ever many relationships with other men and then you went running to this other man who you bombarded with every-thing.And this went on for over three years? Good Christ your lucky he didn't just tell you where to go.Your fighting for a reason. I believe that everything you have gone through and have told him has finally sunk in and he is now a bit angry and could be comparing your behavior to the behavior of your previous relationships and he is not happy but actually pissed. If you want your relationship to succeed you better rebond with him asap. And ask him flat out what is the issue. If he is that great guy you say he is then you are going to hear about those past relationships that failed but you told him about. He is probably comparing how you treat him to ho you treated your previous relationships. You sincerely now have a problem. Something I believe has awaken within himself and you have a lot of explaining and then if you love him your going to have to jump through some mighty large hoops to get the love and confidence back in your relationship. I confess i love my girlfriend dearly and we will get married within the year but no how no way do i know or want to know about her previous relationships. Call me in mature or just overly sensitive so be it.I could not handle it and i have told her that many a time. I know one night last winter hundled around the fire at my uncles cabin kate asked me for about the fifth time in our relationship of almost four years why i did not want to know anything at all. And the only reason this whole topic came up was what she perceived as my sexual knowledge and smoothness must of meant that i had a fair number of sexual relationships. But I hadn't at all. She asked me and i told her why i was so good. And i told her i really didn't want to at all but i believed it was important to her and i loved her and now i felt it was my duty to tell her what she wanted to know. It was not anything horrible or bad but Kate now thought she could tell me about her experiences. I stopped her and said if she wanted to tell me she could tell me in front of psychologist and after telling me i told her i do not know where i would be with her. I really truly thought that after saying what i just did say that our relationship was over.Almost four good years gone, something that i had worked so hard to become a better person, better lover and better companion. But i still remember her leaning over and saying you love me so much that you don't care about my past and she said that she now understood that. The topic has never come up again. Good-luck, if you can work through your issues with your man you are truly lucky and a blessed person. Please move forward with confidence and courage ..
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 September 2013):
 You are arguing now that means for the next two years you would be wondering if the wedding should happen. I think it is more than him not feeling the need to chase anymore. You had mentioned that you always chose other guys and run back to him. He might have felt that if the other guys proposed to you you would have married them instead. You agreed to marry him but maybe he felt that you are not as crazy towards him as other guys. Yes you agreed to marry him but men need more than that. They need to feel you worship them otherwise you are settling. Ask him if this is the case. It is not too late for him to find a girl that truly worships him and no one else. If he denies this then ask him what else is bothering him.
He sounds like the typical nice guy, insecure about his chances with women and maybe his proposal is just to see if he is worth a woman's time. After he got the confirmation from you that you wanted to marry, he is scared he can't live up to your expectations.
One of you is maybe having second thoughts about the marriage and constantly testing each other's strength, or sabotaging it unknowingly.
Sparking things up is just a temporary fix. Get to the root. If you are honest with yourself, that you want to get married to him, then ask him what's the problem. You both know that marriage is not the end of dating, you keep up the ritual.
The arguing can also come from the insecurity that the relationship will fall apart, for some unknown reason. Your relationship started as friends and you always got the upper hand. He's insecure that you would leave him for guys that you really fancy, and you are insecure that the stability that you once have would be taken away because he's the only one showing you stability.
I really think it is a problem of falling deeper and the fear of not being able to take things back or recover. Arguments are not the solution but rather a sign of bottled up issues and not knowing how to communicate, or even what questions to ask. Apprehension for the future and not knowing how to reassure.
...............................
A
male
reader, Boost  +, writes (23 September 2013):
I think it would be important to sit down and talk about what causes the arguments is there a common theme that you argue about? It is important to remember that a relationship changes over time and things can feel like routine or that it's lost its spark. However the truth is that you're just out of that honeymoon phase where you forget that the other person has annoying habits or traits just the same as you will and you will both pick up on these. Another thing to think about is that the more time we are around someone the more we take for granted their presence and the less affectionate we become towards them so it's important not to let that side of things slip. Communication is always key here. I hope you manage to sort things
...............................
|
