A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Any tips on coping with body issues/insecurity?In a couple months, I will be seeing a man I haven't seen in almost 20 years. We have been chatting a lot online, and I'm pretty sure his visit will be a romantic one.I'm anxious because I'm not happy with how I look. I'm very out of shape, I have a "mommy tummy", and there are other issues I am insecure about. Him, on the other hand-looks fantastic. He has been working out for months and he looks better than he did 20 years ago!I'm scared to be intimate with him. I haven't been intimate with anyone since my husband and I split up over a year ago, and he was the last person to even see me naked in the last 10 years!Is there anything I can do to alleviate these feelings?
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 There are probably less than 1 in 100 that feel good looking in a mirror. We all have body issues(overwieght is one of them.(having a small "package") is another. I could go on and on. Why not relax and see where the relationship goes before counting youself out?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 September 2013):
 4 years ago I had weight loss surgery and lost half my body weight. I met my NOW husband AFTER I lost all the weight but BEFORE I had reconstructive plastic surgery.
I feel your pain and I get it totally 100%
I wrote long tomes for myself to help me cope about how I would cope with my horrible body.... but guess what... he didn't mind and when I did have the reconstructive surgery he took wonderful care of me.
Things I did to hide my sagging knee socks filled with dried beans.... (sometimes referred to as breasts) was the easy part.... lovely UNDER WIRE nighties... they also covered the tummy.
I plotted using candles so there were shadows etc.
the truth is if your connection is that old it's not about the bodies but the minds.... and don't plan to be sexual the first time... my husband and I were supposed to be a NSA/FWB sex only playtime event.... we didnt' even kiss the first date... and I slept at his house.
connections are not always physical... relax and realize he's probably used to women his age... and FWIW... most men seem to prefer women with a bit of cuddly to them...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): I don't think people who answered understand what mommy tummy is. It's not something you can get rid of . It's an excess of skin after bearing a child. No matter what you do, it's still there. I had it also, and after years spent in GYM went and got a tummy tiuk, and couldn't be happier. But people who answered are right, OP, GYM is a good new hobby, keeps you more alert and happy, and health wise it's the best thing I could do for myself. With that said, when a man wants a woman, many things that matter to us don't matter to them. Little cellulite here and there, little hanging tummy, not perfect butt, boobs are not where they were 20 years ago, it all doesn't really matter if a guy wants you. Meet him with confidence, and you ll be fine. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (23 September 2013):
A couple of months is enough to make a change in your lifestyle and start doing things that'll make you feel more confident about yourself. Just start out slowly.
Like for example: cut down the alcohol or sweets or another comfort snacks and limit yourself to only having them in the weekend. Then once you manage that, add more veggies to your main meal and less gravy. Make slow changes and as the months pass they'll add up to a lot.
Get a gym membership at a gym that offers group lessons. That gym doesn't have to be expensive either. Skip the ones with sauna's and tanning services and other extra's you don't need. This will cut down the membership price. Then start participating in the group lessons. Start with one, once a week, then two, then 3, etc.
Go slow, get your bearings, find out what you like first. Want to get toned? Participate in the bodypump lessons. Want a fun workout? Do Zumba or dance, etc. There's bound to be something you'd like. Plus lots of people in the gym are struggling with their bodies, just like you, so don't be afraid to encounter a bunch of perfect looking people.
Make water your main drink. If you don't like the taste of water, maybe use tea. But try to drink more water than soda or alcohol or anything else.
Pamper yourself. Getting a new haircut, your eyebrows threaded, nails done, new clothes, etc. can come a long way in helping you feel prettier and better about how you look.
And lastly: try to be at peace with the situation. If at the end of these months you still don't feel good about yourself, don't delay or cancel the meetup. Just think: "this is just the way it is. Now I can sulk and feel bad about myself or I can accept it and just have as much fun as I can." Women who are at ease with their bodies, even if said bodies do not even come close to the standard presented by the media, are often deemed attractive because of their positive, pleasant attitude.
Also, this guy probably had to work hard to get the body he has now, so he probably also understands your struggles and won't judge you for it. (and if he does judge you he's a piece of shit that doesn't deserve your time or attention).
I let myself miss out on a lot because of my body issues. Then I decided it wasn't as important as I thought it was and life has been a lot more fun since then.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): You've got 8 weeks to get fit, healthy and confident again which is plenty of time.
Your main physical issue is one you can solve through pretty moderate exercise, 3-4 times a week, 4 hours a week and counting calories and calculating the nutritional content of your food. Takes about a week to figure out all the food stuff and get your body used to exercise.
Trust me I used to be quite fat.
6-8 weeks you won't get an amazing shape but you will feel in great shape, stronger, fitter, greater endurance, healthier heart, lungs and muscles. You'll feel more alert, it'll improve your confidence, your concentration and the sense of achievement is pretty great. As a bonus he works out too so it'll be a conversation piece and you can get tips etc. from him.
OP it's not a 100% fix though you'll probably still feel anxious about it but it might just be enough for you to take the plunge if there is intimacy.
OP I'm a guy your age. The way I see it if I'm with you and I initiate intimacy then I'm already happy with your body and can't wait to get your clothes off. You don't have to worry what he'll think about your body at all, he'll have decided he wants it by that stage.
And hey if that doesn't work out you could always have a glass of wine beforehand to loosen you up, not to get drunk of course just enough to kill the nerves.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): I'm sure that your insecurity is making you blow every little detail you don't like about your body way out of proportion- like insecurity does. My mum's had children, not in the GREATEST shape but she's got such a cute curvy body... She's also a lovely person and because of it is very attractive. I'm certain you haven't got a horrible body... It's in your head. We all have body insecurity to a degree. I'm a size 10, drink shedloads of green tea, cycle and objectively I suppose I have a good body... But i often look in the mirror and think "I hate my stupid skinny chicken legs LOL!" Or "my tummy's too squishy lol or " I look disgustingly pale" People give me lots of compliments on my body and I understand it's just my own PERCEPTION. Beauty is more than just what's on view... And what will get him hot... Confidence, sensuality, appealing to his different senses- make sure you wear a smell you LOVE, exfoliate your skin so i's soft and moisturised and feminine. A little tip- drink as much green tea as you can :) it does wonders for your skin, gives you white eyes, and speeds up your metabolism... Its an acquired taste but once you get past the first few cups, youll crave the refreshing taste... I ALWAYS find when I drink a lot over a period of a few days, I look thinner and healthier. It does sound like he's attracted to you for more than just sex... You've been messaging a lot and you have a good foundation with each other. On the other hand if he turns out to be in any way degrading, disrespectful or rude then write him off as just one of those many short sighted t**ts, there are a lot of them out there a d in 20 years he could well have turned into a bastard... So hard to see througheople.Good luck :) xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): You've got a couple of months before you meet so start to eat healthy and increase your activity levels. Just being fitter and healthier will increase your confidence and it may help to begin to tone you up by the time you meet. No reason to write your body off, you said he looks better than he did and if you've got the determination you too can gain body confidence
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): Hi hunnie, I know just how you feel! I'm a healthy weight but very curvy, andI get so self conscious about my boobs and ***. The trick is; act confident. Confident is sexy, hold your head high and smile and people will feel naturally drawn to you. Another good tip is, nomatter what your body looks like, go to the gym. I'm sure you look great already, men love a womanly figure (google whether guys prefer skinny or curvy if you don't believe me). However when you go to the gym you will feel better about yourself - you will feel proud of yourself and thus your confidence will increase. Don't tell this new guy your insecure. Be totally yourself, but be positive and believe in yourself - men like that. Also women notice a lot more than men - ever noticed if you ask aguy what your hair looks like he will just say 'great' without even thinking - it's because they aren't as bothered about those things as women are.Of course, dress to flatter your figure. Bodycon dresses look great on most and really flatter your figure. Fitted clothes empasize your curves. Heels give you good posture, toned carves and raise your butt. Wear nice makeup, dont be afraid of it. I wear quite a bit but I always get a lot more compliments when I do my makeup well and spend time getting ready.I'm sure you look great, you just need to believe it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): Yes don't sleep with him .. I mean lets just take a step back for a moment .. You knew him years ago and now you speak online .. Talking online and a visit doesn't mean you gotta 'put out ' for the guy .. Get to know him better before giving him 'you' . Make sure this isn't just a sexual visit .. As for the mummy tummy start going to the gym, cut back a little and do stomach crunches .. Wear something that you' feel comfortable in that flatters your frame . Go get some shopping therapy with your best friends try on everything that takes your fancy but don't settle on the first item .. Go get your hair trimmed, and manicure if you can afford . It will boost your confidiennce or get a friend to do your nails .. Just you be you ..and leave the sex until your comfortable .
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