A
female
age
30-35,
*ilemaaax
writes:Let me just start by saying I LOVE my partner very very much. All I want is to make him happy and NEVER hurt him.He is 21, I am almost 23. We have been together for 3 years and have lived together for 2. He is my best friend in the whole world and we can talk about anything together, we very rarely fight and only over silly things (like whose turn it is to do the dishes!). We get on very well and everyone thinks we are an amazing couple and tells me how lucky I am. He is a kind, caring and generous partner. The only problem is that our sex life is awful. It used to be amazing for the first year but the last year or more its been truly awful. I do not find him attractive. I dread sex with him and always make up an excuse to get out of it. Then when I am alone I masturbate and then feel horribly guilty about it. When we do have sex its good, he always makes sure I'm satisfied at the end. He is as caring and generous a lover as he is a boyfriend but I still don't want sex with him. Meanwhile, I very frequently fantasize about various attractive men at my work and other places and crave sex with them so badly (although I have never acted on it). I go out drinking with girlfriends a lot and often flirt with attractive young men.For a long time after I stopped ever wanting sex with him I thought that I had completely lost my libido and i even went to a doctor to see if there was anything I could do to get it back! But then I discovered that I still very much have libido as I think about and crave sex CONSTANTLY! Just not with him.We've tried to spice things up for probably the last year but it never works. in truth I am starting to find him repulsive. I like to stay in shape and put a lot of effort into my appearance and he doesn't want to get in shape (I have tried to get him to go to the gym with me but he didn't want to). I feel horribly guilty just writing that I don't like his body. When we do have sex (usually because I feel guilty we haven't done it in a month or more) we play around and I can't even get wet for him. I have to fantasize about other men or porn during sex to even stay aroused. Is this normal? Do other women do this and just not talk about it? It feels like mental cheating!He never pressures me or makes me feel like I'm obligated to have sex with him but I can see he's sad about our sex life being so bad. We lead very independent lives as we work very different hours and don't get to spend much time together even though we live together but I kind of like it because I like my own space. He often wants to cuddle me and hold me and often I pretend to like it so I don't hurt his feelings but I just want my own space and don't want him to touch me. I feel like such a horrible partner. I sometimes think about breaking up with him but I couldn't imagine my life without him and I can't stand the thought of hurting him. He's my best friend. Sometimes I wish we could just stop having sex, but still live together and everything else could stay the same. Sometimes I wish he would cheat on me/have an affair so I wouldn't have to have sex with him and I could know that he was satisfied and happy -- more than anything I want him to be happy. I'm also worried he's going to propose to me soon as he loves me sooo much and I'm not sure if I could say yes if he did.I've heard people say that if you really love someone there will always be an intimate connection and you will always want each other. If this is true I fear we are doomed.I honestly feel like I have FRIENDZONED my own boyfriend. :(Agony aunts please help me for I am lost.
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affair, best friend, flirt, libido, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014): Just a suggestion... Stop masturbating completely let the the craving build up and only get your release from having sex with your boyfriend. I know it sounds weird but you end up preconditioning yourself to see him as a sexual release. Think of it as a short term solution till you figure out what's going on in your relationship. You never know.
A
female
reader, Ginger fish  +, writes (23 December 2014):
 It could be that he has low self esteem I know for a fact (as I have gone through this my self) that if a person has low self-esteem it can effect their appearance in either a major way or in the slightest way but it can and will effect it. My suggestionis make an efeffort to go on a diet or go for walks/runs/jogs as a couple. You would be surprised at how much of a difference it can make for both of you. It sounds like your spark has gone but I make a bet it can be brought back by the way you describe your love for one another. You may just need a bit of counselling to work on this.
Best of luck :) I hope this helps :)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 December 2014):
 Why... Thats the thing you havent told us. Why have you lost attraction? Has his appearance changed? Has something else about him changed?
Sounds like your body is trying to tell you loud and clear not to have babies with this man. Id listen to those signs. You need to end things, because neither of you will be happy long term. Stay friends, sure. Thats what you are. But for a relationship/marriage you also need a sexual partner. You need both friendship and sex, a marriage can not survivevwith just the one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2014): I think you answered your own question at the end. You're emotionally attracted to your boyfriend, you guys have a close relationship like best friends would, but like you said you're not attracted to his body, and it's a big turn off for you. Don't feel guilty about it, that's just the way it is, you need a combo of both for a relationship to work. Maybe really start pushing him into going to the gym with you because you're staying attractive for him, why shouldn't he do the same for you? Talk to him about it first, but if you still feel repulsed by him and no sense of physical attraction, you need to cut ties with him and move on because your urges will lead you to do some things that you regret.
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