A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After dealing with this for months/years now, here are the facts: I married a guy I know now I dont love anymore but still care and trust very deeply. I still can't forget about this other guy that I met and has made me happy, positive and felt love in my life again. We have stopped hanging out, talking or seeing each other for 3 months now before things get out of hand but he is still the only one I think of every spare moment that I'm not busy and its painful not being able to be with him. I am moving out of my husbands house so I could hopefully miss my husband and remember what it is about him that I loved. I've decided I need to really let go of this other guy, because this is the last attempt to save my marriage or hope to feel something for my husband other than friendship, loyalty and compassion. Also, if I dont end things the right way with my husband, the chances of this other guy and I succeeding in a new relationship may be slim which is why I have told myself not to be involved with another man after divorce (if that is the path I decide to take). I want to start the healing process now of letting this guy go but I'm not sure if confronting my emotions to him is a good idea. I want to lay everything on the table so there's no what ifs between him and I and I can accept the way things are now. The intention is so I can move on when he says, he doesn't care about me anymore. But what if he still does and I know in my heart I want to be with him so much, won't I be risking the chance to save my marriage? So what do I do? - should I see him now to end this very emotional part of my life? Because I think he's already decided to move on. He told me he doesn't want to be a home wrecker.- or wait a year later after I've decided on a divorce or not to find out how we feel for each other? He never said he doesn't care about me anymore. I need to know how he really feels.Thinking of him day in and day out is keeping me from focusing on my husband. If I see him and he says its over, then I can move on. BUT what if he says "yes I also missed you or I've fallen in love with you too"? it will only be more painful for me to let go of him because I can't be with him even if I want to. Even if I'm divorced, I'll need space to recover from this long term relationship with my husband. So tell me, what do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband is aware of all these emotions I'm going through. He and I have had issues even before I met the guy and I have always voiced that we needed help, counseling etc. Until finally I decided to not care anymore and planned to divorce before I met the guy. That guy convinced me to work on my marriage some more before I made a mistake (this was way before I became too attached to him).
Long story short, my feelings for him is standing in the way of me feeling something again for my husband. My husband knows I prefer to leave him but I also realized now, after much counseling, and making additional efforts to really address our core issues, lack of quality time & my current state of emotions, that what may be keeping me from loving my husband again is bec. I realized my feelings for the other guy is still stronger.
My counselor said, i have to have a closure with this other guy first if i want to really understand what state my marriage is in now. My husband and i are both trying to work this out. Were both unhappy but wants to try it one last time. Its just that even if we spend time together, the feeling is not there anymore for me. The space will give me and my husband a chance to breathe. Dealing with this day in & day out is stressful. My plan is to spend time with my husband on the weekends even if were separated.
I know what i need and want now. my husband feels lost and i worry about him if i leave him, which is why I'm considering staying. We both realize that we want different things and were trying to figure out if our marriage still has a chance to survive and be happy. We both know that we are each others most trusted confidante but we might also be keeping each other from being truly happy.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 December 2014):
 Your "plan" sounds convoluted and is designed to fail. If you dislike him leave that's really all that the plan should say.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (23 December 2014):
Dear OP,
Oh, how I can understand.
May I add my two cents?
1. Focus on YOURSELF!
I know, I know. In relationships, we think "but if he says.. would I still.. and if he finally.. could I..?" Blablabla. We turn around in circles. But if you think like this, you make your decisions and well-being too depending on others.
So, ask yourself: What do I want and need at this moment of my life (NOT considering anybody else)? Where do I want to be in 10 years? What would I regret not having done, at the end of my life? Did I get lost or stuck somehow, and why?
And then tell people what you found out.
2. Try to get closure from the "other man".
Meet him one last time if you have to. I think it's possible to be honest about your feelings, accept what he has to say, but still making the decision to end it. If you try to save your marriage or file for a divorce, while still thinking about your chances with the other one, you'll never arrive. Also, your process will probably take too long for him, anyway. He shouldn't have to put his life on hold, because he hopes to be with you.
3. Get some distance.
It's a great idea to get some distance from everyone. Take your time. Don't decide in a rush.
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