A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy who's very famous in my country. He's not just famous for his work, he is also very famous as a womanizer. I'm a commitment-phobic myself, but I never felt attracted to womanizers. We me while ago, through a common friend (one of his closest friends), who later told us both that when he introduced us he was sure we'd have something very special and unique because we have a lot of unusual things in common, similar way of thinking, etc.Since we met, this guy has asked me out several times, for coffee, for lunch, to the movies, etc. We felt very attracted to each other, and once, after an afternoon of coffee and hours of fun, stimulating, interesting conversation, he invited me to his place for a glass of wine. I went. We kissed, we had sex, it was amazing. After sex, we talked and talked, then he made dinner for us and asked me to stay over so we'd sleep hugging each other. So I did. It was so incredibly nice. Since then, he continued to text me, asking me out for lunch, the movies, all sorts of different plans, but I was very busy with work and couldn't find the time, until one week has passed and he invited me to watch this big award show he was hosting, and where he'd also be DJing afterwards. He saw me from the stage, and during the break came to say hello, asked me if I missed him, said he missed me, and wanted to kidnap me after the event. While he was DJing, I would see him typing something on his phone in between songs. I realized he was texting me. Basically "where are you?", "I can't see you from the stage", "Are you still here?", "If you leave, come give me a kiss goodbye", "Please don't leave, I'll try to finish this soon!". He then disappears backstage and calls me saying the same things. When he comes back, he turns the music off and says he's very happy that I'm there (he said my name), and asked me, on the mic, from the stage, not to leave. Many girls kept climbing on the stage, to take pictures with him, trying to hug him, etc. One of them - gorgeous one, btw - wouldn't stop (I was getting insecure, this is when I realized I really shouldn't fall for him). He stepped aside from the girl, jumped off the stage, came to find me while the girls were chasing him, and gave me a huge kiss in front of everybody. After the show was over, he asked me to come home with him. He said there wouldn't be any sex because he was way too tired and drunk to have the energy for it, but he really wanted to sleep with his arms wrapped around me. And that's exactly what happened. We just talked, and laughed, and kissed, and fell asleep. When we woke up (yesterday), he took me out for lunch, then went off to his hometown, to visit his parents. During lunch he kept saying I'm falling in love with him, playfully adding "I'm sure of this, because I am a very sweet guy!" I denied it. I said that no way, I'm not into womanizers, I don't want to be just a number to a guy, and I don't know him well enough to even fall in love with him.He's very sweet, showers me with the type of gifts I absolutely love (for example: GREAT books - it's like he knows what I enjoy reading), clearly shows he wants to do more with me than just sex, and tries to make plans with me almost every day.I'm falling for this guy. And I'm scared! I want to continue to enjoy my time with him, but I think it's too early for an actual relationship. On the other hand, I don't want to be involved with someone who has the occasional fling with other women. He has told me stories from the past where he was sleeping with about 4 or 5 women at the same time on a regular basis. However, he hasn't told me about anyone else he's seeing in the present. Recently, he said in conversation "yesterday I had lunch with this girl" and without me saying anything he justified it "but nothing sexual, it was just lunch, I have zero interest in sleeping with her". It's like he wants to tell me he's not sleeping with anyone else, or maybe it's just wishful thinking. But I don't have the guts to ask him that. Because I know he'll be honest, and I might hate the answer. So I rather not know and enjoy my time. It's too soon for a relationship, too soon to make demands, and I don't want to be controlling - I don't like when men are controlling with me either.Rationally I know that falling for him, and getting involved with him is the recipe for disaster, and chances are there will be heartbreak soon. But we can't help being with each other. He complains he's always the one inviting me to do things with him, and doesn't do it more often (EVEN more often than about every other day) because he doesn't want to sound pushy. I want to be with him. I just don't know if I should take that step too, or let him come to me, no matter how much it bothers him that I never take that first step. Because THAT so far has been working (although I don't do it on purpose, I'm just afraid of taking that step). This makes him miss me more, and want do be with me really badly. He has gone to great lengths to spend time with me, and according to our common friend, he never invests this much time and energy on a girl, and whenever they're together he talks about me the whole time (good things). Do you guys think a "womanizer" can be, let's say, "reformed"?Are there any "reformed womanizers" out there? What made you change? Help me. Emotionally it is a bit too late for me to walk away from this guy, so please help me, any of you, even though this might mean DISASTER AHEAD, if you have any advice that helps me to be happy with him, even if for a while.Thank you in advance.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 There are no cookie-cutter answers here. Some men start out as womanizers, and then in their 30's they get bored with that scene. If they have any values at all, they may start thinking about having a steady mate and stop all the madness of swinging from one gal to the other. However, if he's semi-famous, and good-looking, it may be harder for him to walk away from the temptation all these women provide for his ego. Underneath it all, he may want to have just one girl, but with so many beautiful women clamoring for his attention, he may eventually crack. Also for you, it would be a huge mistake for you to appear the least bit insecure. A feat that is not easy to execute. I suspect he's attracted to you not only because you are probably very attractive, but also because you represent some form of "normalcy" his lifestyle and these other women have not provided for him. You are also not doing the chasing, and I don't think you should start because that's when the tables could turn. He's used to women throwing themselves at him, and therefore, most women don't seem valuable to him at all because they are a "dime a dozen". However you haven't chased him at all and that drives him crazy. He's expecting you to behave exactly like all the other girls he's ever gotten involved with - the trick is to remain different. Be aloof. Be a little detached. As if you have a life outside the bubble of this relationship. He may complain that you never invite him to do anything, but I'd be extremely careful about turning the tables. If you decide to throw him a bone, make it something non-romantic. Snag 2 tickets to a baseball or football game and casually ask him if he wants to go. Don't make a big deal about it, don't plan it to inth degree, just throw it out there and see if he's interested. (Of course, you should do your homework quietly on the side and find out which team he would love to see and that's the game you should invite him to.) Other than that, I wouldn't go overboard inviting him for anything else. He's got enough girls chasing after him, he's probably enjoying the fact that you're a "challenge". He doesn't run into that very often. Keep it in mind. And if at all possible never, never tell him if you are feeling threatened or jealous by the girls to clamor over him. The thing he likes about you, is that you appear to be "above" all that petty stuff. Use it to your advantage. Good luck. Yes, you may be heading for a heartache, but what a helluva story you'll have to tell your kids someday!!!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 October 2012):
 His career makes it hard for him to stay away from temptations. What you have is sexual chemistry. I know that feeling that keeps on telling you you just have to try him out. If we tell you the answers, only 20% of womanizers can change, or 50% can change, it's still not going to ease your mind. Knowing you are going to take a big risk your heart just can't open up to him. You can still have your fun times with him but I can't look for anything long term with him.
Are you a committment phobic all your life or are certain kinds of men making you comittment phobic? Because if you have chosen to be single for a long time you can't expect to have an old fashioned loyal boyfriend who wants to settle down. It will be unfair to him. You just have to be honest with yourself what is it you want.
In your post, I see him as a vain person who looks at women as sex objects, as something to conquer or ignore completely. It's true he didn't have sex with you right away but whenever he talks, sex is always in the subject. I would want a more sophisticated man than that.
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