A
female
age
36-40,
*ubblygirl
writes:I've recently run into problems with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. We have been arguing non-stop for the past few weeks about everything.Basically, I've narrowed the problem to this: we take each others comments too personally/the wrong way. He will say comments to joke around and I get sensitive (ie, about my legs or features) and I apparently say things that come off to him as negative. So we end up unconsciously making each other upset alot.For example: A last minute BBQ with his friends pops up and he says to me "I'm heading over to a BBQ with the guys, come by later if you like"My response: "Oh, I didn't know about this. I sorta thought we had plans to do stuff today. When was this planned and what time?"To his response of "Why do you take everything so negative and can't just be happy and ok with things?"I'm at my wits end. Anything I say can and will be taken the wrong way. He's now just constantly mad at me. I've suggested counseling to work out our weird communication problems but he refuses.What do I do? Can this work out when I'm the one fighting for us or is this wrong? I love him so much but I don't know how to act around him. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): I think you should stop focusing on him for a while and just a little more 'me' time. Think about everything you like about yourself and what you want out of a future relationship. When you come back to spending more time with him, (that's if you want to) you might be surprised at what you have discovered about your self - which will influence your life in a positive way.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (15 June 2011):
Hi there. It almost sounds like you have made him the centre of your universe.
By that I mean, that you depend on him for your happiness.
If he does what you hope or expect that he will do, then everything is fine. If not, you are very disappointed. Then you feel angry with him over it.
Don't be angry over the bbq event, he might just want to spend some time alone with his mates. Even though he told you at the last minute, it's possible it was a last minute thing. He probably only found out at short notice himself.
It's really so minor, it's not worth being upset over.
What might be needed here is, for you to have some time with just your friends. Go out for coffee and cake with them a couple of times a week. Go see a movie with them. Or, just go visit some of your friends - at their places.
It's healthy and necessary in all relationships, to have time apart doing your own thing. You could even start up an interesting hobby, anything to take you out of the house and to be with other people.
It's good for him to do the same. To see his mates a couple of times a week, or to pursue a hobby or interest.
If you are together all the time, day in day out, it can feel a bit claustrophobic. Having some time apart with your own life, can breathe fresh air into the relationship.
It's possible that time apart, is what is missing.
So from now on, why not have some time with your friends at least twice a week. It's a break from each other - you and him - and it will give you more to talk about when you are together again.
Inside a relationship, each person does need to still have their own life, interests and friends. It's vital and it prevents boredom. Don't feel that you are being selfish if you do see your friends, because that just isn't true.
In fact, I believe your boyfriend would appreciate that you care enough about your own happiness to do that in the first place.
Your needs are just as important as his, so don't place his needs above yours.
He is not responsible for your happiness - you are. Only you can make YOU happy.
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