A
male
age
30-35,
*verMyDeadBody
writes:Hi there. I'm writing this today because I'm experiencing an issue that (apparently, judging by numerous Google searches) many young guys face. I've been dating a wonderful girl for over 8 months now, and it is a committed and loving relationship that I couldn't be happier with. We're both virgins and happy to be each other's firsts.Early on in our relationship, I'll admit that a few random nights we rushed into trying to have sex and all that stuff, which, as you can imagine, with the combined nerves and alcohol, didn't go well. But, over time we've tried working our way up slowly and have both learned how to perform on each other very well. Great so far, right?Except for the handful of times we've tried to finally have sex, everything's going great...until yep, the condom comes out. I've done my homework, and I've tried everything. Getting nearly to the point of no return so I'm erect as possible and then putting it on and trying to insert, having her put it on instead of me, having it out and ready, trying to "focus on the moment" and it goes on and on.Early on, she took it very hard that I lose my erection either putting the condom on or trying to actually "get in", but over time has at least become more understanding that it's the thrill of the first time and performance anxiety has settled in. One time we even tried 3 times in a row and none ended successfully. I either start to lose it while putting it on, or I struggle just finally getting a comfortable enough position to penetrate.I know I work "physically." My girlfriend turns me on without even trying to, and is able to get me off without any problems. We enjoy foreplay and take our time, since it's lots of fun by itself of course. Maybe when things are about to happen we're both just mentally tensing up and need to relax...but I've started to lose hope on how to even do that anymore. I'm 20 years old, very healthy, and in a great relationship. I've tried almost everything I can think of...I limit masturbation and have eliminated porn use entirely. Someone told me to practice masturbating and then putting the condom on...but I don't know if that truly represents the same emotional or physical state compared to being with her.The only things I really haven't tried yet are using lube, maybe 69ing so we both are stimulated and feeling great right before intercourse...I'm just running out of ideas quite frankly. My girlfriend and I are both naturally a little self-conscious as it is, and it's really hard disappointing both her and myself when this happens. We're away from each other for the summer off of school, and besides a pair of visits I won't be seeing her till mid-August. In the meantime, I'd really like to work on this issue so that the next time we try, whenever that may be, I can succeed with CONFIDENCE! Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!
View related questions:
both virgins, condom, confidence, erection, foreplay, lose my erection, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, OverMyDeadBody +, writes (30 May 2012):
OverMyDeadBody is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI get all that...believe me, I've taken the classes and done the research. She's talked with doctors when she first went on it before college, and takes it regularly. I even asked her a whole back if she was sure we couldn't try without, and she simply said she just wouldn't be as comfortable if we didn't use one. And I respect that, because there's nothing I want more than for both of us to be comfortable and worry-free for our first time. Part of it is peace of mind, and part of it is a personal reason that I certainly can understand.
I don't want to take shortcuts...I want to work together to make it work the way we want, together.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 May 2012):
 It is normal for the inexperienced to be extra cautious. Some are more than others, so I understand why your girlfriend wants to be double protected. However it does complicate things. The condom might also work to try her out, making sex uncomfortable. The condom is also unnecessary if she is on birth control and is a woman who always remembers to take her pills when she should. The condom will only come in handy should she have forgotten to take a pill.
There is however still the option of her forgetting to take her pill, and you ripping the condom when you put it on. I'm just trying to give you an insight into rational thought and thought based on fear. Condom AND pills does not give better protection that just the pill. But, the condom gives protection should she happen to forget her pill. That's how it works.
I'm in a relationship with a man who was a virgin at 24, and he was at first very scared that I would get pregnant, so we had to use both birth control pills and a condom. For him it was the psychological aspect of it though. He couldn't see the pill working, but he could see the condom, and felt safer with the condom because that was something he could control. However, about 6-8 months into it he calmed down about this, and we started having sex without the condom, and just me being on the pill. He also got so relaxed about it that on times, when the lust was too high, we'd have sex even if I wasn't on the pill at the time (I had a break). Then we went to emergency contraceptives (morning after pill). He got his first pregnancy scare (my period was late one month for other reasons), and he's a lot cooler about things now.
I'm saying all of this because I think your girlfriend will probably also calm down about the need for double protection. I promote that teenagers, or those who are absent minded about taking their pill, or those who have several sexual partners, or new partners often, that they use both condoms and birth control pills. That is because they do need the extra protection from both STD's, and in case they forget about their pill (many teenagers are aloof and absent minded).
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 May 2012):
 Women don't have the kind of refractory period that men do. We recover quicker if we've cooled off at all! Some of us go in multiples, one after the other! Many women will have one beforehand and then one during or maybe just before. In fact, most women can't have an orgasm during intercourse, and smart is the man who knows that and doesn't pour their ego into the fairy tale of their penis being the only thing that is allowed to be the instrument of a woman's sexual response. That *is* too much pressure on performance.
Trust me, if you've reduced your woman to a sweaty, satisfied state of mind before you consider intercourse, she *will* want to please you. I find that every orgasm I have after the first to be sweeter and deeper than the first. When we get to that point of abandon, we tend to want to stay there.
So don't worry about whether or not your penis can perform, and get good with your hands and mouth, and I bet the whole performance anxiety issue will evaporate, and she will call you the king in no time (using whatever words suit her personality, of course!). :)
...............................
A
male
reader, OverMyDeadBody +, writes (29 May 2012):
OverMyDeadBody is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks YouWish, I like your perspective on it. I've never given her an orgasm before trying intercourse, so that's a good idea to consider. What if she's too sensitive after having an orgasm to even want to try sex though?
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 May 2012):
Yep, you have great advice coming from chigirl and celtic_tiger. I'd suggest doing all of what they're talking about.
My advice adds to theirs in addressing your performance anxiety. You put too much emphasis on penis/vagina intercourse in loveplay. This is why you and she freak out at this moment and all the problems happen.
This is another reason I dislike the word "foreplay", because it's always considered just the part to "get past" until intercourse.
Are you giving her regular orgasms before the sex? Are you giving her oral until she comes, or just a little until it's time for you to try penetration? If you're ever using oral sex or fingering or any other stimulation of her just to "warm her up" until penetration, time to change your thinking. Giving her regular orgasms before it's even time to pull out the condom will take immense pressure off of you.
Just remember...it's not your PENIS that satisfies her, it's you. Fulfill her fully beforehand, and it'll take a lot of that psychological pressure off. See, right now, you're losing the erection, and you and she stop short. Of course she'd be frustrated. This way, if she's had an orgasm, the pressure's off for "performance", and it's easier just to concentrate on physically loving her.
...............................
A
male
reader, OverMyDeadBody +, writes (28 May 2012):
OverMyDeadBody is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I misspoke...I have actually practiced masturbating with a condom on here and there, and that's easy for me to stay erect because I'm by myself and there's no pressure to perform or worry about failure. The psychological aspect of it seems to be what's messing me up when I'm with her..My girlfriend is on birth control, but still firm about using a condom just to be as safe as possible...so that's out.I could try bringing up putting a condom on without trying intercourse with her, but I can't see her treating that suggestion as anything but awkward, quite frankly...and if I stay erect that is great sign, but what if I don't?I feel like if things go well once my confidence will be restored...just having a really hard time getting over this "hill" first..
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (28 May 2012):
 Have you tried experimenting with condoms just on your own, without the pressure of having to please your girlfriend and 'perform'.
Its ok to masturbate, so while you are away from your girlfriend, take the time to try it WITH a condom. Get used to the feeling of it, putting it on, and ejaculating into it. You are possibly being unnerved by the strange feeling of it, once you get used to it, you might find you can relax more.
Imagine it like putting on your socks. The more you do it, the easier it will get.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 May 2012):
"Someone told me to practice masturbating and then putting the condom on...but I don't know if that truly represents the same emotional or physical state compared to being with her."
I'm going to suggest you do this. In addition you should do this with her. Put the condom on and then don't try to insert it. Just leave it on, and continue whatever else you are doing. Don't have intercourse. Just have the condom on and don't do anything about it. Continue kissing, or you going down on her, or touching each other. Then let that be it. Do this each time you and her have sex, WITHOUT attempting to have intercourse. The point is for you to get used to the condom being on you, get used to there being a break without it meaning you need to stop, and get used to a condom as a part of sex.
Just put it on knowing that you will NOT have intercourse. If you stay erect while it is on, GREAT, but don't try to have intercourse even so. Just leave the condom on and continue as usual. Then, after a while, if you feel ready, talk to her about moving on to have intercourse.
Another thing I want to bring up is that you talk to your girlfriend about birth control pills. If she's on them there will not be a need for condoms, which will make this a lot easier on you as you don't need to pause, or halt, or put anything on. If she's on birth control pills you and grind up against her as well, slide your penis through her legs and up against her vulva, without risking pregnancy. This will also allow you and her to be properly lubricated and ready, and will make it easier to live in the moment and "do it" at impulse or when the moment feels just right... Without having to pause for the condom..
...............................
|
