A
female
age
36-40,
*lare2011
writes:Hi everyone, any advice really appreciatedI have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. Over the last month or so I have been getting the feeling that I don't want to be with him anymore. We live together. Everything is just annoying me even nice things he is doing. I have felt like this before but it's only lasted a day or two never this long. I think a few different things have led me to feel this way. He doesn't have a great sex drive and the majority of the time it's me asking for it and then feeling either like I'm forcing him, or rejected. And even though I suggest different positions etc he never tries so then i feel like I can't initiate it either because I feel like he's not that in to it. Also, when I started going out with him I stopped going out with alot of my friends and went to parties with my boyfriend and his friends (he never wanted to go out with my friends) some of my friends do come out with us and my best friend goes out with his friend but they are away travelling. So basically I have become good friends with his friends, especially 2 of the girls I spend alot of time with them etc. I don't know if this is a phase that all couples go through like on one hand I want to stay with him on the other I don't. I am going to go on a break and go back to my parents house - not a great idea as we don't get on but really i don't have much of a choice as I don't know if I want to break up i think we need time apart to think. I know if we break up I will have hardly any friends to go out with as I won't want to be going out with his friends who have become mine if he is there that would be too hard on him and most of my friends are away travelling or in relationships etc I think that I might be holding on to our relationship because I don't want to be on my own. It makes me really upset to think that we might not be together I wish I could make this feeling go away. I don't no what to do!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): Maybe your boyfriend prefers men? It's not really normal for a young verile male not to be interested in sex...It usually occupies their thoughts continually throughout the day and night ... or he may have a hormonal imbalance?..Hrmm
How does he interact with his male friends?...
I'm sorry to say but there's no magical way to change his sexual desires. You both can talk about it for hours and days, but it still won't change your intimacy for all your trying. What does he do if you walk up behind him and kiss him on his neck while giving his bum a wee pinch? Does he go "Oh Yeah baby!" or "What are you doing that for?"...
Sex should be spontaneous and wild, not pre-planned and methodically organised.
"You can lead a Horse to water but you can't make it Drink"
Time for greener pastures I think...?
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Thanks for the follow up.
The sad part about change is that unless it comes from within it is temporary. I think that's what you're experiencing here.
Single Claire doesn't need to get crazy. That party lifestyle burns you out quickly. I lived it myself for some time. I have faith that you're a strong enough person to do what's right for you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Excellent advice from auntieloulou, I completely agree, the fact that you're on here asking for advice suggests that you really want to make your relationship work. I find myself feeling exactly the way you do sometimes, it never used to happen before we lived together but things can become a bit stale.
The most important thing is to talk to your partner. He can't make an effort to change things if he doesn't know how you've been feeling.
The break should do you good, absence makes the heart grow fonder after all! If you decide to stay in the relationship and work at it, do it for love not fear of being alone or you'll only find the same feelings coming up again in the future. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Clare2011 +, writes (13 January 2011):
Clare2011 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the replies.
Dirtball, yes I have brought this up several times and when I do
He agrees with me and says he will try harder but he might for a day or two that's it. I have bought sex books and asked to have a look I've dressed up in sexy lingerie and it's like he doesn't notice I might as well be in my pjs so I stopped bothering. I think you are right that we are not sexually compatable.
Factorygirl I know you are right I just know how difficult it would be so I'm chicken. I'm going to tell him tonight that we need a break. I've organises to visit my grandmother in the countryside for the weekend and I've organised to stay at my parents next week. I suppose this is the only way I can find out what I'm truly feeling you know.
Thanks love is, what you said makes me feel more positive about the possible break up and I really relate to the quote.
BTW guys I'm 25, so I know im young but I've lived independently since I was 18 - until I met my boyfriend I wasn't doing a great job I was crazy out drinking all the time late for work etc. He has been a good influence. I don't want to go back to those ways but I know single clare means crazy clare I'm just going to have to try really hard if it comes to that.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 January 2011):
Fear of being alone is one of those motivators that usually brings disaster.
A break might do you good. Couples do go through these kinds of phases, but it also sounds like you have some more serious problems, that if left unaddressed will ruin your relationship.
Sexual compatability is something that is much more important than many people want to believe. When one party always has to initiate it generates the feelings you've described. You're not the only one who's experienced that, I did in my last relationship as well. Have you two talked about this? What has he said? Is he willing to try and compromise? Does he refuse to recognize it as a problem?
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A
female
reader, auntieloulou +, writes (13 January 2011):
 i can sense how upset and desperate you are by the situation. i cant say 'this is normal' or 'this isnt normal, end it' as every relationships is personal and only individuals in the relationship will know what to do. all i can do is draw on my own experiences and try and help you out. ive been in a realtionship now for 6 years, and its always a battle! its hard work, i can 100% relate to that! you go through ups and downs, the good and the bad, but you come out stronger. to be honest, the fact that you have come on here and asked for advice shows you care massively and want to make it work. think of all the good things about your relationship, and think of all the things that need to change and work on it. for example, i (well, i try at least) to set a date naight, once a month, once a fortnight or whenever you can. you cant back out of it, it must go ahead. if you have no cash, have it at home, watch a movie, make a nice meal. the longer the relationshop i feel the more you need to try. especially as you live together, living together makes the romance harder to do. you see each other all the time, cant be bothered going to the cinema when there is tv at home, cant be bothered eating out when theres food at home... you have to try. remmeber your a couple, not brother and sister. you need to amke special time to be a couple, alone, away from your home. you need to both feel special. you also need to have your own lives away from your relationship i.e going out with friends etc. absence makes the heart go fonder, and also we all need time away from each other, time to let your hair down and have girl time. as for the sexual side of your relationship, this too needs to be worked on and nurtured. you need to approach your boyfriend and ask why he isnt interested in sex with you. maybe it is a low sex drive, or maybe there are more reasons. this cant help you, it can knock your confidence and ultimately make you question your relationship.so to sum uo my advice, i would sit and talk to your partner, see if you both want to salvage what you have. make a pact to put more effort into your relationship and take time together. i hope this helps a little!
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A
female
reader, factorygirl +, writes (13 January 2011):
I think sometimes relationships just run it's course and it's perfectly normal. Don't let the mutual friend situation stop u from ending a relationship that isn't working. I think you and your boyfriend are at an age where you can handle these break ups in somewhat good terms, just have a talk with him. Give each other some space and when it's time, explain to your mutual friends that you'd love to keep their friendship and wish that nothing is going to be weird between the group.
orrr if you really want to make it work, I'd suggest just talking to your boyfriend and telling him how you feel when he rejects sex and such. maybe you guys can take a mini break while you are at your parents house. like stay committed but try to keep a distance so you guys can both think about things.
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A
female
reader, Love_is  +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Hi Clare,
Here is a wonderful quote by author Alan Cohen that relates to your situation I think…
‘It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.’
Clare, please don’t be afraid. You have your whole life ahead of you. There is no reason to use energy on being unhappy. You will always meet new friends. People come and go in our lives, and sometimes they touch our hearts even if it is briefly. Nothing ever stays the same…that is how Life is…
It’s definitely a positive move to have time out. You may even be able to have a heart to heart with your parents. You may be pleasantly surprised how understanding they are. It is important to step back from stressful situations and rest our minds. It is good to look at situations with a fresh perspective.
Follow your heart Clare… that intuitive feeling that you have…
All the best to you..
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