A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend are having a really bad time at the moment, we have been together for a year and a half, this has been a rocky relationship from the begining but is getting worse. He is having problems with his ex over his daughter and she has stopped him seeing her, this has been going on for 2 years. His mum has recently moved away and he is left in a 4 bedroom house, with no furniture, on his own waiting for a smaller one, I feel really sorry for him and the things he is going through. But the thing he is completely breaking my heart, he would rather be out drinking than with me, he tells me to knock at his house after work or university so I do, only to find he has gone out drinking, which for some reason he cant say no to. He spent all christmas out drinking and still wouldnt come home to see me after I begged and begged him. My parents and brother got really angry and told me I shouldnt be with him and I deserve better. Which I know as I give him everything and get nothing in return. I lend him money to pay his court fees all the time and always buy him clothes and stuff, he had never bought me anything not even for birthdays, christmases or valentines days. I am so confused I want to be with him even though he makes me cry daily and takes me for granted, I havent seen him for 10 days and havent spoken to him since christmas day and I am waiting for him to phone and appologize, which I know wont come untill after the new year and he has finished drinking. Please help me I am so confused I know I shouldnt be with him because of how he treats me but I cant help but blame it on what he is going through!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): You don't need blame to end a relationship. It is not working between the two of you, no matter the reason. The guy has too much baggage to be in a love relationship with you or anyone else. He is using you. You are giving too much of your time, love and MONEY....and he sounds like he needs the MONEY.
I think the saying, Women get the love life they deserve, is very true. What I mean by that is you are putting all your heart and time and energy into a relationship where you are getting nothing in return. You are making this choice, not the circumstance of his life and you feeling like you need to rescue him. Most victims do not end up with their rescuers.....he can't respect himself for taking these things from you and not being able to give you what you deserve.
His drinking habits are not going to change...this is is immature way of handling his problems and he now has a problem with alchohol.
You haven't heard from him in 10 days, he doesn't care how you feel or what you want, he isn't giving you anything including his time and attention or even respect. You are literally running after him, giving him too much and you are part of the problem. STOP DOING THAT!
I think you are literally wasting you own love life. You have choosen a man who can't give you what you want. You chose him, you are choosing to stay in this even though things have gone from bad to worse. Are you mentally ill? Are you a codependent? Did you grow up in an alchoholic home? Sometimes women who have absent fathers or alchoholic parents grow to look for the same kind of neglect and problems they experienced as children because that is all they know and love seems to be based on a dysfunctional codependence, taking care of someone who isn't taking care of themselves and being unhappy in the process because he doesn't change.
Did you know that insanity is doing the same things over and over but expecting different results?
Seriously, get over yourself and get some therapy if you need too to help you let go of this guy and this relationship. It isn't healthy for either you or for him. As long as he has a rescuer, he has no motivation to change and clean up his act and get moving and making things happen in his own life. He is weak...and so are you.
Let him go and move on.
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