A
female
age
,
*haz1
writes:I have been married for 22 years not happy and i have a boyfriend. my husband and i still live together just for financial reasons. I have 2 sons one 16 and another 13. the 13yr old has had severe anxiety problems that has resulted in him being a non attender at school fior nearly 12mths.he is now reciving treatment for this. My major problem is that everyone is constantly rowing and saying nasty things to each other i am in the middle all time now it turned on me and theyt say the most dreasdfull things to me very hurtful things eg wish id go away or wish i wasnt their mom to name a few ive had threats of violence on 3 occasssions but have managed to difuse the situation. i sit and cry most of the day i feel a nervous wreck all time i afraid to ask for them to do anything for me they constantly talk about me behind my back i av spoken to my gp but threy said to try and talk to the children and husband which i av done to no great success please help i think i must be the worest mother wifw and person in the world. i love my children dearly but i dont feel i got anything left to give them. please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Hi
You give them love and give yourself love and i agree with one of the rplys you got.try and be strong ( but gentle). Tell the truth...First to yourself, then to your husband, then to your children,maybe they will understand..but stop any lies. TRUTH will help make you more stronger to deal rationally with the chaos. RESPECT seems to be a factor missing somewhere? Dont fel sorry for yourselfit never works and just makes you sink deeper...use the inner strength you have but remembr when you speak the truth it is how you DELIVER IT THAT IS IMPORTANT.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): First things first.
Your children are just that - they are kids, and you are the mother. They are yours to mold, to teach, and to train. You are there to love them unconditionally and completely selflessly, and as the adult, you should know that doing what is right by them won't always be what will please them at the time.
It sounds to me that you are lacking in self-esteem and have picked up a victim mentality. I hope, for your sake and for your family's, that you will end this.
You are not entitled to a life of pleasure, or to much of anything else. Life is not fair. If you married the wrong man, I am truly sorry for that. I do not believe there is any circumstance under which a boyfriend is an acceptable solution. Whether or not you believe your children know about your boyfriend -- whether or not they in fact DO know about him (children often sense things they don't let on) -- is irrelevant. You are living a life of deceit and are thus setting a shitty example for your kids. Start there. Fix it. End the affair.
You may need to end your marriage. That is a separate question entirely, and it is for a much later time, after you have sorted out your head a bit.
Please take a moment to look deep within yourself. You cannot control the world around you. But you can control yourself. You can control the kind of person you are, the kind of example you set -- in even the smallest acts -- and you can control the way you react to the acts of others.
You get to choose how you react to your children. When they say hurtful things, are you going to crumble and be a victim? Or will you be strong? Will you keep yourself together and be the woman who looks at them, unflinching, until they feel, on their own, how wrong it was of them to say? When you react with emotion, you merely fan the flames.
Refuse to engage in the fighting, and separate the fighters whenever possible. Practice kindness where you can.
I don't know how your house got to its current position, but I have seen my own family go through many phases, and I believe that it is most able to weather them when someone takes the lead at being the 'strong' one to set an example. Be that for your family. You can do this. You have to do this. You are the mother.
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A
male
reader, grouchy  +, writes (1 July 2008):
what a box! Ye Gods! First off, congrats for having a boyfriend. It was unclear if your family knows about the bf, but as a human being you deserve a break from all the crud in your life. I too think you need to grab the kids and split. Not easy and very scary! Start with an attorney and see what your options are. There ARE options, some better then others. And stay away from guilt feelings concerning hubby.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): They might not welcome you because of your boyfriend. Although some may say for you to get rid of your boyfriend I don't deem this wise. I think you need him to get through this bad time and you would be asking to much of yourself if you didn't have him.
I know how you feel about crying. Its painful, it doesn't help, you can't think of anything else to do. Get into your head first off that it can't get any worse, so therefore it must get better as the only way is up. Everyone says and this is quite true, time heals so much crap in your life, but this can only be done with a huge amount of strength and patience.
You obviously care about your children. They probaly blame you for the fault in you and your husbands marriage. It happens. I know your husband might not get on, but ask him for help, if that doesn't work, pull aside your children and explain the situation. Possibly try and do this with your husband. I know you have tried to talk to your children and husband, but continue to try.
Don't show your children your upset. They'll think it as a weakness or they'll get upset. Either extremes really.
I'm sure deep down inside your children love you. I know this is long, but try to mentally get inside of your head, with the happiness from your boyfriend, that it can be done and that you need to sort it out.
I know its vague but I can only think of perseverance.
Sorry,,
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (30 June 2008):
 My husband comes from a difficult family background. When he was a child his parents would constantly fight and argue - no violence but lots of verbal abuse. It spilled over onto the children and they got dragged into the arguments. His parents are still fighting each other - they stayed at my house recently for 6 weeks and it was like living in world war 3. It also made him angry because he got dragged into their constant bickering. It took me years to correct some of the negative behaviour and aggression he had acquired from childhood.
He has anxiety issues as an adult and I attribute that to his growing up in a difficult circumstance. I have often said his parents would have been better separating because their behaviour had a profound effect on him and his sister. The problem with your situation is that your failing marriage has a very bad knock-on role model effect for your boys. They will grow up thinking your family life is normal and that it is ok to treat other people badly. This is a recipe for a difficult lonely adult life for them and anyone entering relationships with them will experience problems. You say you are there because of the financial situation but there isn't enough money in the Bank of England to keep you from protecting yourself from abuse and protecting your boys against a very negative family environment. They may think they are all grown up teens but they are still children who need guidance. My advice is to leave and take yourself and your kids out of this toxic situation. You need family therapy as well as counselling for your children to learn about how to communicate with each other in a respectful way.
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A
female
reader, dangerouslove. +, writes (30 June 2008):
 You are not the worst wife and mother in the world! Don't think that way. I am only fifteen years old, I think when kids turn into teenagers, We all go through phases and to where we think we don't need our mothers around anymore,
We come to terms with the fact that there only there to "embarass" us around our friends. I think it's just a phase. I'm hoping it will pass. I know how much I have hurt my mother in the past by saying I hope she would die, and that I hate her. But I never mean't any of it, when I seen how much I was really hurting her, I apologized. Just try to have a talk with them, or if you don't think that will work out too well, and just backfire in your face. Write them a letter and tell them how you feel and how they make you feel. As for your husband, You do not deserve that, I understand you are still with him for fincial reasons, but there are many men out there that would be happy to be with you, I bet! I really think you need to get away for a while .. Take a vacation, stay at a friends for a while. Stress is not good for anybody.
I really hope things work out for you!
Good luck and keep me updated.
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