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female
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*amcyd
writes: My man and I are expecting a baby in October. I really love him, but the problem is.....I don't trust him. I was in a very bad previous relationship / marriage. My ex cheated on me for 2 years without me knowing. He would do things like leave at night and not come home until early morning when I was leaving for work. When I would call him on his cell phone, he wouldn't answer. Now in my current relationship, every time I call him and he doesn't answer his phone I have flashbacks and get extremely upset / emotional. I know he is not doing anything, but just his actions with any similarities to my ex causes big problems for us. I want to trust him, but how? He thinks I am insecure, but I don't think that is what it is. Please help...this is destroying our future together!!
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (15 September 2005):
Okay, I have been in the very same situation, basically you need reassurance from your partner that you are his one and only, you need to accept that YOU ARE INSECURE but that is ok. Who would blame you after being in a bad relationship with a cheat. But if you can't control your behaviour then you need help. Have you ever heard of NLP (try the local paper for practitioners in your area) it is brilliant and it works and it only takes a couple of sessions and you are "cured" seriously it is amazing, please try it!
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female
reader, keeneye +, writes (10 September 2005):
If you keep up your jealous accusations, eventually they will be fulfilled. If you tell a child he is stupid many times, he will never ace a test. If you beat a dog often enough, he will act like a beaten dog. And if you accuse your partner of unfaithful actions, eventually he will HAVE to leave so that he doesn't have to put up with your nonsense! Blaming a new lover for a past lovers actions is as logical as driving blindfolded. You'll get nowhere, and end up hurt in the end. The best advice I've ever "lived" is this: No one can make you feel inferior except yourself. Create drama, and you'll live in a soap opera. However, if you create a supportive, loving environment, then you'll be surrounded by the same. Best to you and your child....
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2005): Resentment, mistrust, anger. All understatements of what you actually feel whenever the memories of you ex come to mind, is my guess. Who can blame you for feeling this way. Your ex treated you horridly and these are normal reactions to someone who has caused you to go through pain. But be careful, dear, you are finding out that resentment, mistrust and anger can also be an irrational reaction to something that is no longer a real threat. You are in a new, wonderful relationship now..the past is done. If you don't get this past baggage under control, it may shatter your future happiness.
Please sit with your partner and explain to him why you have these feelings, in calm, quiet way. Don't expect him to totally grasp your experience. It was your experience, not his. But continue to explain what happened to you in the best way you can. Try to explain the nature of trauma and ask for his patience, respect, support and love while you try to process it and give some closure to what happened in your past.
Expect numerous "ups and downs." Just when you think you've gotten a handle on it all, you may have some moody, confused times of wondering why this happened to you, or how can you ever get past this experience. This is very normal and typical. Everyone has up and down days and weeks. Look at the overall picture and resolve it in your mind. Keep using logic and be sensible by telling yourself, your current partner loves you and wouldn't do
what your ex did to you. Allow yourself to trust again.
Please pace yourself and seek counseling if needed. An expert can often help and you'll be back on the road to healing once again. Just don't panic. You have not lost all that you once gained. Recovery & deprogramming takes time and incredible spiritual strength, my dear. Remember to have some strength and resolve before you can be of any real help to yourself and with a new baby on the way-get this baggage out of your relationship. Children need parents who love each other and can give them a healthy, happy intact home. Learn that there is a wonderful future to look forward to. A new baby, a great guy who loves you. You are in charge of your own destiny, you can shape it and pursue it any way you choose. You have choices.
Remind yourself daily that you are a special, unique individual who is loved deeply by your partner, by special friends and family. Realize the value of what you've learned about life from your experience & help yourself grow.
Hugs,
Irish
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2005): Here's the thing, you can't let your past affect the present or the future, because that's no way to live. The only thing that you should make sure of is asking yourlself if you're 100% over your ex. You obviously love your boyfriend and having the baby might be stressing you out. But i'm sure that you guys will have a wonderful life together.Stop Worrying...that's the key!!
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