A
female
age
36-40,
*ayChristine
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now and we have been living together for about three months. My issue is I have been treating him horribly lately. I get angry at the smallest of things and lash out on him. Every time he is out with his friends I turn into a HORRIBLE control freak when he doesn't answer my text right away. I know of a few girls he has been intimate with before we began our relationship and the few that I know of our not very attractive girls I often bring them up and make cruel comments about how in the world could he have sex with such ugly girls. I know I am doing this to make him feel bad,because for some reason I feel bad and misery loves company. My boyfriend also has had a much more 'premiscious' past than I have ranging from anything to do with women,drugs and life expierences. I on the other hand was in a long term relationship with my high school sweetheart for five tears. Thinking about his past makes me so angry for some reason almost jealous I know he didnt know me before and he has never been in a serious relationship before.My question is my boyfriend is amazing and does nothing wrong to me but I still lash out, I was wondering if maybe I need to seek therapy for my anger and control issues.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Hi. This si the anonymous female who wrote about my boyfriend who had the woman in his flat e.t.c. You're right. My anger does come from not knowing for sure what went on with her , and from the photos i saw of her on facebook ( i dont really like using thsi work, but she looked like a " Slut " ). I even said that to him and he said i shouldnt say things like that when i didnt even know her. He also said that he let her in his flat because he felt that i " abandoned him ". Some of the time, i wasnt sure if i wanted to be with him, so i think that was what he meant by abandoned. And sometimes i said i would meet up with him and i didnt, so he blames me for what he did. Maybe it was partly my fault, but only he can control his actions. He didnt have to let her and her friend in his flat. About the night she went to his flat, i thought that she could have been using an excuse, saying that she had lost her housekeys, just so that she could go over there. And i dont like the fact that she will obviously have had alcohol. He also said that she went to her friend's flat first ( the one who lived next door to him ) but she wasnt in, so she went to his place. I thought, well, surely she would have had some family memebrs in the area or other friends that she could have stayed with ?. I think she ahd been out round the town centre, and my boyfriend lives near the town centre, but i think she also lived near the town centre herself ( but not very close to my boyfriend ). I was devasted when i found that private message, and i cant really tell from that exactly what went on. He was a virgin when we went out before that, and i believe that he still is ( you can usually tell, and i am too ) , so i dont think they had full sex, but if something did go on, they might have kissed or done other things. Even if nothing went on, i'm still angry at the fact that he let her into his flat in the first place and that he even fancied her. And i was angry by the flirty messages on facebook, and the mind games.
He doesnt leave statuses like that any more, thank god, and i havent seen him use flirty applications or leave any comments to other women on facebook. He also hasnt sent any women any privates messages ( i havent seen any anyway ) . However, the other day, i went amd because he added this application where you can see who has viewed your profile . He said he only added it as he was curious to see who viewed his page, but i was worried incase he wanted to see if certain women looked at it, like the woman he used to like at college, who he flirted with, and the woman who sued to be his next door neighbour. He went mad and called me paranoid. Maybe i was being paranoid though as it might not have meant anything. I wish i could stop feeling that way. He said he would delete his facebook page if it bothered me that much, or he would just delete those women, but he said he would write to them and explain why he was deleted them, as he felt that it would be bad mannered if he just deleted them without warning. I didnt like it when he said that either. However, i told him not to do anything like that yet. I dont want to control him, but in a way, i wish he would get rid of it all. I have read of a lot of cases though where facebook has ruined relationships. But also, it goes back to him having that woman and her friend in his flat too.
He ahs done things for me that shows that he loves me, and i would like to forget the past, and it does seem that he has changed in some way, but it is hard to forget those things.
Sounds like the situation with you and your high school sweetheart was very similar !. I just don't understand how guys minds work !. This feels like an online thereapy session !. I don't know about you, but i think it's good to talk about these things with people who have been in a similar situation. I think i would like to study Psychology myself, as mabye then it could give a better understanding of why people behave the way they do. I've also heard of assertive classes and anger management classes. I dont know if they are helpful, but it's another idea. I'll keep you updated, and i hope everything goes well for you too, hun ! : ). I hope you will keep us updated too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): From the second anonymous reader:
She never came to me and told me she was having problems, she would just accuse me of things. She would tell my she thought I wasn't paying enough attention to her, or that I was trying to forget her, or sleeping with other women.
The accusations did end the relationship. It's a bit more complicated than that, but eventually she became more distant, and I found out she was trying to meet other men so I said goodbye. I really couldn't take the accusations anymore, I was really patient, I tried to reassure her and make her comfortable, but nothing worked. In the end she always blamed me, and never took any responsbility for her own actions. I wonder if she'll ever realize what she was doing.
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A
female
reader, JayChristine +, writes (2 November 2010):
JayChristine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo my female anonymous reader-Thank you so much.
How ever I do feel our feelings our the same but our situations our completely different. The things my boyfriend did were before he ever met me so when I get mad about his past it's an issue I have.
How ever I was in a relationship with my highschool sweetheart for almost six years and we broke up our second year in college. Over the course of our relationship we did break up a few times but never for any longer than a few weeks, but you can do alot in a few weeks if you catch my drift. I know he dated and hung out with other girls and it always seemed to be a huge issue in our relationship when we would get back together after these "breaks". I would bring up these girls during a fight and end up screaming and crying at him.
Also I know he talked to girls behind my back, and trust me it doesn't matter what a guy says there never just friends and not to sound offensive I highly doubt she just slept on the couch in his flat that night, as hard as that is to hear I think you already know that deep down inside.
But on a different note what happened took place two years ago if I were you I would ask myself? Does he still display this behavior the flirting with women? The rude Facebook status updates? Still having women over to his flat? I would also try to sit down with him and stay calm and ask him to please to tell you the truth about everything that happened, and why he did those things. I'm guessing maybe some of your anger comes from not knowing the whole story about this woman and her friend your boyfriend was spending time with.If you feel as though it worth it to move on with him then yes you do have to forget the past and trust me I know it isn't easy. Explain to your boyfriend exactly how your feeling and why and what he has to do to make you comfortable. It doesnt happen over night figure out what triggers you to get mad and try and stop it. Walk away from him when you want to get mad. Honestly he made huge mistakes but if you love him enough and he has changed and can give you what you need to move forward do it. If not kick his ass to the curb :)
Much love.
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A
female
reader, JayChristine +, writes (2 November 2010):
JayChristine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all of your responses they've helped so much.
To the second anonymous writer- Thanks so much for your prespective on things.I have told him what was going on and that I understand that is completely an issue that is my own personal one he has never even given me the slightest of reasons to think he is cheating. As for me its really hard to explain to him how I feel or why I do what I do, but since I've admitted that I have a problem he's lightened up on me and agreed we need to work on my issue as a couple. Question did your girl ever come to you and tell you she was having issues and you guys tried to work it out? Or did the accusastions end the relationship?
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (2 November 2010):
 Go straight to therapy.
Do not pass GO.
Do not collect $400
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): From a male's perspective, I've been through something similar. I was constantly being accused of sleeping with other woman or going on dates with other women, it was suffocating. In the end I had enough and said goodbye, even though I really cared for her.
It is good that you recognize that your behaviour is wrong. A little bit of jealousy or insecurity I think is healthy, or normal, early on in a relationship, but after a while both people must be comfortable.
I have no idea how you're going to stop behaving this way, but if there is anything you can learn from my story is that if you continue on this path you're going to push him away. You might want to sit down and tell him that you recognize that you're behaving a bit irrationally, and that you're going to work on it. I know I would respect that if I was him.
Sometimes people that experience a great deal of insecurity in relationships do need to seek therapy, but the first thing that helps people overcome insecurity is to recognize it. I wish you all the best, be patient, be calm and think of what you should do next.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (2 November 2010):
 Promiscuity is hard to get over. It's usually a strong indicator that someone will not be faithful - not a guarantee, just an indicator. Still, you discomfort is natural.
With that said, if you're going to date him anyway, you need to trust him. Next time you catch yourself feeling angry enough to yell, or fight, or anything else, bite your lip and go into the next room to rationally consider things. If he asks, tell him exactly why you're doing it, and ask that he let you calm down.
While that is the specific advice I'd give, more generally, I'd suggest you find ways to seperate yourself from anything that upsets you until you have a chance to calm down.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 November 2010):
 I think theraphy would help you. It could be you can't handle his past, but also don't overlook other factors such as your hormonal balance, and whether you are taking any birth control pills. You can't look at the symptoms without treating the body as a whole. Or maybe you are not compatible. If that's the case, the best way to stop your anger is to find a reliable guy who prefers to stay home and read books in the evenings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): I know exactly how you feel. I'm the same way !. For example, my boyfriend have been on and off for a few years now. During a time that we weren't together, this woman used to go to his flat, apparently just to use his internet. I saw pictures of her on facebook at the time, and in some of her photos, she was only wearing her underwear !!. She had put that they were modelling photos. I know that she went out drinking a lot too ( so she was the total opposite to what i am like ). My boyfriend knew her because she was a friend of his next door neighbour. He told me that he didnt fancy her at first, and he has always said that nothing went on between them. I saw comments on his facebook page at the time, which were conversations between him and his next door neighbour ( her friend ) and they talked about going round to his flat a lot ( they both went there ) . I found that very suspicious at the time. He also put a suspicious status, saying that he wished he had the confidence to talk to someone, and that it's awful when you like someone who is " out of your league " . Anyway, apparently, he hasn't seen her for almost two years now, and thank god, she deleted her facebook page ( the woman he liked , i mean ) . We got back together earlier this year, but, for some reason, i still had the urge to snoop. I did and i ended up finding a private message that he sent to her saying that he fancied her , and that he didnt want to try and take advantage of her because she had been drunk ( he told me that she stayed over at his flat once because she had lost her keys on a night out, but she only slept on the couch, so this would have been the night that happened ) , and he said that he didnt mention on his facebook page that he liked her because he didnt want to tell everyone ( i cant remember the exact words of his message, but it was something along those lines ). He doesnt know that i snooped, but i mentioned that i knew that he fancied her ( i said i knew from the comments that were written on his facebook page.i didnt want to tell him the truth ) but he denied that he did fancy her , and said he wouldnt tell me even if he had because i would go mad. and he said i had no right to get mad about it anyway because we werent together at the time. the message i found that was sent to her was sent nearly two years ago, but i have never been able to forget that message, and that she went to his flat, and i have brought it up quite a lot in our arguements. he also sent a flirty message to her friend ( his neighbour ) once too, asking if she wanted some tlc from him, and he sent her a comment saying her new picture on facebook was nice ). i found that when i snooped and he had sent flirty messages to quite a few women.i'm not sure if we werent together when he sent all the messages, as these were sent over a couple of years. Thank god, his neighbour doesnt live next door to him now either, but i worry because she is still on his friends list on facebook.He also used to fancy this girl at college years ago, before he met me. She is also on his friends list on facebook. he sent her a rude joke once on facebook ( one of those applications ) and, even though we werent together then either, i was really annoyed !. he even made flirty comments when she said she was going to have a bath once as well. they were posting comments to each other then, and he kept asking her to go on msn . i think he might have still liked her at that time ( and that was only last year ) but he said that she wasnt interested in him in that way. Since we got back together, i have snooped again a few times, but he hasnt sent any messages or comments to anyone since we got back together, so i feel like i can trust him now, asnd it does seem like he loves me to bits, even though we have had problems, but i still get very insecure, and bring up the past sometimes and go mad at him. He always tells me not to bring the past up, and that we should be focusing on the present, but it's so difficult. he also used to play mind games with me by writing status such as i'm single, any takers ?, and putting that the was annoyed with me, and he evena dmitted to me that he was writing things like that, and writing those comments to the girl he liked at college, to get back at me . i'm still not sure whether to stay with him or not. only time will tell i guess.i also want to add that i never did the things that he did, even when we werent together, and thats what hurts. You see, he was even asking me back during that time too, when he acted like that with those women. I'm sorry that i dont have much advice ( i'm not sure what to do myself about my anger issues ) but i wanted to let you know that your not alone in this and i hope that we might be able to help each other. i find that talking about these things with people who are in a similar position can help sometimes, and i think we could both find it useful to get professional help. I wish you luck with your situation too.
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A
female
reader, Breonhia +, writes (2 November 2010):
 I think you should see therapy if it gets too out of control but before that just have sometime to yourself to think of how much he loves you and if he wasnt there any more how would you feel if you feel good then let him go but if you'd be lost and need him around i'd say keep him if he's that much of a good guy you wouldnt treat him like you do you would treat him with the amount of love he gives you
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A
female
reader, LaDiabla13 +, writes (2 November 2010):
Easy, honey. It sounds like you need reassurance in the relationship. You have to realize that just because he goes out with his friends doesn't mean that he's out cheating. You guys are living together. Not too many guys would share their living space with a girl that they don't care about. Also, try putting the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if he caught a fit everytime you went out? Claustrophobic I'd imagine. In the meantime, go out yourself and have some fun!
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