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female
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anonymous
writes: I have seen a lot of my friends and family marry only to all split up or separate in less than 5 years. What is wrong with us? Why are we not trying to work hard at a relationship especially when there are children involved.In my parents day they married till death do us part.In this generation if your hair is not parted right in the middle they want a divorce.Why do we take each other for granted as time go by. Is the grass greener on the other side? Forget about it. Please tell me what is going on. I myself have been married for 8 years and with 2 kids. Of course it's bloody hard work but I did not marry naively.I love my family and appreciate.Why is love not forever?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2006): The foundation(s) of my marriage is love, honesty and trust as well as respect Mr Wild Thaing. Thank you for your observation.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (23 June 2006):
 I see that you answered the first question, which is a good start. Are you satisfied with your answer?
You did not or chose not to reveal to us the answer to the second question, which is, "What do you believe is the foundation of your marriage?" You could answer love, but it could be something else. For my marriage, the answer is trust. For me, trust is paramount in any relationship. Without trust, I don't see the point in having a relationship - but that is just my own opinion.
You have something that most lonely people would kill to attain. As you already realize, it takes work to maintain a marriage - a lot of work in some cases. Your kids are depending on Mom and Dad to keep it together, and it sounds like you know this.
In order to resolve that 20%, you may one day find yourself thinking about it 100% of the time. If that ever happens, please let us know. There are a number of agony aunts here that can ask questions that allow you to see your situation through a different lens.
Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2006): I accepted his proposal because I loved him and as time goes by It changed i.e. kids, moving to another country etc... It is impossible to stay the same person as time goes by into a relationship. Do I love him the way I loved him in the beginning? No, but I still love him but differently because I have kids and you have to share your love with them, if you know what I mean. We have been through ups and downs of our marriage like a roller coaster. Each day you have to remind each other that you still care/love that person. I will always love my husband of course I am not going anywhere and I know he loves me too. A man and a woman think and do things differently and only YOU can make YOU happy. There is no such thing as the perfect love that is why I gave it 80% in mine. Any couple after a few years together tell me that they have 100% or perfect love will have to go into the world record book in my estimation. It is hard to believe. Anyway, keep loving one another and remind each other that you still care.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (22 June 2006):
Honey, 80% might as well be 100%. But I find it curious that you think you are "settling" for your husband. This choice of words means that you need to resolve the perceived gaps in the relationship with your husband.
What do you think is missing in your marriage? Can you articulate these gaps right now? There is no need to tell us, but I can tell you from experience that if you can't articulate them, you will project these gaps onto other people, like your hubby and kids. Fortunately for me and my marriage, I came to realize how lucky I was, and that there really was only one thing missing for me.
The following exercise may help you. Try to come up with answers to these two questions: Why did you accept your husband's proposal to marry? What is the foundation of your marriage? These questions may be easy or difficult to answer, but if you come up with satisfactory answers you may actually stop believing that you "settled".
If you spend some hours browsing this website, you will find many threads in which people rationalize away their inability to take responsibility for their choices. I don't think you are one of these people, but in reading the woeful stories of these people I think you could gain insight into what you think is missing in your marriage BEFORE you let the gaps consume you.
Finally, those of us who take commitment seriously back up that conviction with hard work in all of our relationships. You sound like one of those people. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2006): Thank you for all your replies. I was concerned when all my brothers and sisters were starting to divorce and separate. Life is not a fairy tale. I am 80% happily married. You are not going to get 100% from the partner you are with and I have settled because he is a great father to his kids and he gives me everything I want for right now.
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A
female
reader, carebear  +, writes (22 June 2006):
 got to add my tuppunce worth i was not married but chose to stay with my ex partner for 18yrs i think you can only stick together if you want to be together i also agree 5 yrs is not a long time one coincidence i have foung though is that a lot of couples will stick together for 18/20 yrs the for some reason a don't know mid life crises grass is greener one will either have affair or just bail out to live it up and i think this is very selfish the fist happened to me i thought i could forgive and forget i failed on both account but i am not saying that others cannot overcome this. just another observation when these things happend to others we don't really think hard about it it's only when it happens to you, you realise how devestating it is not just for the couple but kids and other family members as it affect everyone my dear i hope you will have a long and happy marrage and can overcome everyday living as it is now as after jioning this site god only knows!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2006): "love is what you make of it" Exactly what I was thinking ariel. Stick to your ideals and beliefs, and if you have found someone who shares them, there is no reason why you won't stay together. Other peoples failures should make you more determined to be the ones who don't fail. Good luck with your life, I am sure you will have a happy and successful one!
*goes to try and find someone with same ideals and beliefs*
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (22 June 2006):
 Marriage is hard work but rewarding too. There are a lot of lonely people out there who cannot find partners for a whole host of reasons - I personally remind myself of that everytime I have an argument with my other half. However in this consumer world that we live in it seems like it is ok to buy into marriage, and opt out again when other temptations or priorities come along. I think divorce should be an option for couples who are clearly not working together but it seems that it is as quick to arrange a divorce legally speaking as it is to arrange a wedding in the first place.
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A
female
reader, auntie claire +, writes (22 June 2006):
 dear reader, the way i see it is we all get preasured in some way to get down the iale, we don't marry out of love for each other we marry for the "big day" the dress the "attention" most of my friends have got married and split within a year when everyone said "their a perfect couple" but then people said me and my partner weren't going to last we've been together for 6 years now.
i would like to say well done to you for sticking to your marrage is nice to know there are people out there that don't just give up at the first sign of trouble
i would like to ask you one thing though,
why does it bother you so much if you are happily married??
you can send me private mail just in case i miss it on here but it's not the sort of question i would thought would come from a married man
all the best to you and hope to hear from you soon xxx
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