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female
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*onley soul
writes: Dear Cupid, I've been seeing John for ten years. It's a love affair. He's married; has been for forty years. They have problems, been married when they were 16 years old. I have always been there for him. I love him. It's wrong, I know. He is reponsible for his wife and would never leave her, I know that, but recently things have become worse. He said that it's nearly divorce. I thought my turn had come, buy no. He said they would live separate lives, but still together. I said I feel insulted by that. Am I right to finish it?
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female
reader, jezibelinhell +, writes (16 July 2006):
 You were wrong to start it in the first place, so how could it be wrong to end it? I wish my cousin would do the same. 12 Years and a ten year old son later...her man is still with his wife. Kudos for leaving...STOP looking back.
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (16 July 2006):
 I think you know yourself what you have to do. In your heart you ahve relaised that it is never gonna happen and he is never gonna leave her. So move on.
Despite what others say you ahve not *wasted* your ten years with john. Look on them as a time of loving and learning and use them as a springboard to catapult yourself into a different and new future.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
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A
male
reader, cherub +, writes (6 July 2006):
 Hi
My answer is probably not the conventional one, anyway here it goes.
You have been with John for ten years,a love affair you said,so there must be something about him that fits your psyche and makes you happy when you are with him.It is in a way like going to a psychotherapist for session and then you feel much more capable in dealing with your life,but with John there is loving feeling in it.
He obviously has some good points which you haven't found in other men because you had the time to meet them when he is back with his wife.Maybe you do like your own personal space and do your own things when he is not around.However if you want more of him then you need to move on like all the others say.
Finding someone totally love you for eternity is for the romantic.For the first 6 to 18 months it is possible to be totally in love and cannot bear to be apart.After that it is time to make compromises and and work on issues that can fester and put a strain on the relationship.It is not always easy or happy,just look at the divorce rate.So could it be you want some loving,caring moments and then get on with your own single life,because ten years is a VERY long time to wait.Maybe just maybe it is not wrong to do what you had been doing if you are reasonably happy most of the time.Who can say they are reasonably happy most of the time in a marriage after ten years,honestly.
After all that,if you are much younger and want a family then it is time to move on and find someone whom you can love and be happy.
Best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): I agree with eyeswideopen! You've sadly missed out on a decade of your life when you could have been with someone who is totally dedicated to you and you only... Don't let it be another 10 years.. you need to give yourself some honest answers why you've allowed yourself to be second best for all this time, answers that don't include the words "I love him"... Good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 July 2006):
 Good lord lady! You've wasted 10 years of your life already! Show him the door and get on with the rest of your life. Make the vow to never be second best again and keep it. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, wannadie +, writes (6 July 2006):
Yes Yes Yes! it is soul destroying isn't it?
I have been there and what makes teh relationship so exciting is that you can't have him.
If he really loved you enough to leave everything he would have done in the first 6 months. After that you became his release, his escape route, his path to a fantasy world that his boring mundane married life couldn't match up to.
You have given him 10 years of your life and helped him SURVIVE an unhappy Marriage. He still has his financial and marital security........you have????????????
Pleae as much as it hurts and it will do, leave him. Eat ice cream, watch sad movies, lose 3 stone and move on. He loves you ........but not enough to make that final commitment.
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