A
female
age
36-40,
*lifton
writes:about a year and a half ago, i got out of a two year relationship from hell. from the start, she played me for a fool. only a few months in, i saw hickies on her neck that she convinced me were pinch marks from her mom (even got her mom to actually "pinch" her neck on top of the hickies in front of her 4 year old son before i arrived that day so that her son would be fooled into later being able to confirm that this happened). when i noticed the hickies and got angry, she told me the pinch story, and even called her son in to "confirm" it. he confirmed that her mom had pinched her and that's what those marks were. he didn't know any better. About a month later, while i was at work, she accidentally called me with her cell phone from her pocket and left me an unintentional voicemail. she was talking to her friends and was actually LAUGHING with them about how she had convinced me those hickies were pinch marks, and how she'd staged her mom doing it in front of her son so he would confirm her story. she then said the name of the person who had left her the hickies. her friends and her all were laughing about it like it was funny. i was appalled. when i heard the voicemail days later (i rarely check my messages), i was visiting her (she lived two hours away at the time) and she was at work. i confronted her by playing the voicemail. she at first tried to convince me that i was hearing it wrong and misunderstood. i played it over and over and over until she stopped trying to argue that point. the voicemail was crystal clear. she then of course had some sob story about how the person who left the hickies took advantage of her when she was drunk, and she tried to fight him off but she couldn't, and was afraid to tell me the truth because she didn't think i'd understand or believe her. she basically played the victim and made me feel awful for not believing her. anyway, i could give about 50 thousand stories very similar to this that happened over and over throughout the course of our two year, miserable relationship, but i'll spare all the details. the bottom line being that she completely messed with my head for those two years and i literally started to feel like i was going insane! she completely made me question my perception of reality. she was so good at manipulation, i believed her every time. we finally broke up when i physically caught her cheating (for the millionth time, it seemed). i walked in on her with someone else and she actually called the cops on me saying that her "ex" (even though we were still together at the time) was harrassing her and wouldn't leave her alone.the problem is now, even after a year and a half, i don't have a clue how to trust anyone i meet. the moment someone gives me even the tiniest inclination something is wrong, i run or i just shut down completely and hurt the other person. for example, i had plans with this girl i had been seeing the other night, and she wound up having to cancel at the last minute because of a situation that had arisen. it was completely legitimate and she didn't do anything wrong at all, but my first and immediate thought was that she was lying to me and actually just going to see someone else (which is what my ex had done). so then, i responded by nonchalantly saying okay, like i didn't care, and then proceeded not to text her or call her for a couple of days. she wondered what she had done wrong and i made her feel like complete crap. this is what i do. i just can't trust anyone. and i realize that what i'm doing isn't fair and it isn't healthy. if i keep this up, and continue treating people this way, i know i'll never be happy and find someone to be with. it's an awful thing to do to someone but i honestly just don't know any other way to handle how i feel now. i legitimately don't trust anyone anymore.i used to be so trusting and have faith in everyone. it's been so shattered now, and i just want to get back to the way i used to be before she did all this to me. i need to break the patterns i have of how i respond to situations, but where do i start? i just want to learn to trust people again. i don't want to assume every little thing that happens is because someone is lying to me. please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): I was the same way, my trust had been completely destroyed by my ex that I would run away from anyone the second that I have an inclination something might be wrong, because I couldn't trust at all. The thing that helped me was to go to counselling, I learnt to trust there and realised that people make mistakes and sometimes we trust the wrong people. My suggestion is seek out some professional counselling and work on yourself, and try to forgive yourself for being fooled by this uncaring selfish woman. Good Luck sweetie
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