A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My lover is a Narcissist but perhaps this is it.. First off all I am going to post a link so you can see what has been happeninghttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/jekyll-and-hyde-narcissistic-personality-disorder-what-is.htmlIts been an absolute struggle one day he is on the phone non stop next day total ignore, I am living on my nerves. Went to his house to pull my clothes out and he came down and pleaded cried etc begged, so I left as I couldnot deal with it. However I didnot trust his promises so I left a bit of IT equipment behind so i know when the house is empty. Help me out, and from that I Know not that he is definately very unfaithful to the same woman of 2 years ago .. he tells me first for months he only loves me, she is history etc etc.. I then found them in bed together on 10th dec 2012, I had to go away the following day for a month, nothing I could do about this and during that month things went worse though last Wednesday he begged me not to leave him etc. I heard him declare his love to this woman, I think because he knows I am on the edge of leaving he is instantly latching on to this other woman. Now dont get me wrong I love this guy deeply now 12 years but I saw the narcistic tendencies. He is less and less calling me and I think it is because before he was alone, now he has another substitute.. "submissive" to control. I heard them, she was hurt a lot by men, its ideal for him to control where as I have become too much bother for him. I need your help guys keep talking to me because I think I see an escape finally after 12 years as much as it will upset me please help me.. I am at my end. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEight months after the disastrous event and as a consequence break up, I am still adjusting. I feel like I am still half a person. I can sleep now, I can relax and do things but I'm not whole. I would never go back to how things were. I would never want to be with this man the way we lived our life. I think his narcisme ruled me and then it made me a willing victim. Still trying to find myself. After eight months I still can't move on, but at least contact was totally broken with this man. I still miss him life seems pointless at time. I try its all I can do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel so sad, all this time all these years wasted on this guy. My heart doesnot want to let go, but he has stopped loving me. I see that know. My common sense is pushing me away.. Thanks all for listening to me.. friends at home are in the picture now and they are all helping now. I just needed to ask for help. xxxx Hanging in there still walking away putting the distance between this guy and me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday he wanted to meet up to return the jewelry I had returned to him, I didnot feel right keeping my cariad heart and the ring he gave me, but he insisted I have it back. Also before all this went wrong I had hinted what would be nice for valentines day. It's a little sterling silver butterfly from Trollbeads, he insisted I take it still. He seems convinced he loves me, and he seems a total emotional mess. I dont know wether it is because I am so in control, but I took the quiet way out.. just listened and wondered where it all had gone wrong. In my heart, that butterfly is giving me the wings to fly high, fly high and away. I didnot cry, I felt sadness and sorry for him. My love is worthy more than what this man could ever have given me. I dont know what happened to me but I am flying away, finally and I am starting to feel free, less tears more smiles. It will be a long time before the memories will be less intense but the one thing I promised myself was that I would not become like other women around me, bitter and self centred. I want smiling wrinkles.. so strange enough this last gift I accepted. I know I still love him, and maybe he loves me, but that doesnot mean he can make me happy. Does this make sense to you all?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 BElieve me.... you are NOT "lost".... what you are doing is making your way out of the quagmire that was your mental prison, as long as you spent ANY time with this guy....
I hope you happen upon more-civilized surroundings, soon, so that you will feel better about your choice to get away from this creep....
(continued) Good luck....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI moved my clothes and all possession out. He has been going hot n cold all the time, one moment sweet next cold.. I have had a nice day out with my friends, it really hurts the way he just moved on .. some one said narcisssists leave YOU not you them..
Very true he totally deserted me, in a cave of pain. He moved on just like that. I dont know if it is a man thing but my mobile phone sound is off, and I try to keep busy. Doesnot mean the pain is gone.. but I am trying to let go.
I have found, more time for myself, it is overwhelming I had no idea he took up so much of my time so I feel even more lost. ;-(
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 February 2013):
Have you ever heard this?: "Holding on to a grudge (or living with thoughts of someone who is poison to you) is like letting a vagrant live in your brain, rent-free"????
Because THAT is what it "sounds" like you are doing. IF you ever want to get away from what was a never-to-succeed "relationship" with this creep.... then you have to LET IT GO!!!!!! STOP expending even a teensy-weensy bit of your mental energy thinking about this guy... about what went on between the two of you... what a creep he is... and/or what his NEXT conquest (girlfriend) will have to put up with.... IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!
YOU have to focus ALL your energy on what will be your future.... and a darn-good future, at that ....
Good luck...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother day gone by, still crying. I am seeing good things now too, I also found out about more lies etc and he doesnot know I know. I am keeping all info close to my own heart. So much some of your wrote, oh yes I see it I understand it. I have asked for help from several people. They dont know he is a narcissist but they do know how much what he has done has hurt me . So I am drawing on everything I can to help me walk away. Should I change my phone number or is that pointless as basically because he is now deeply involved with another woman (poor thing) he is letting go of me.. well only had 4 calls of him in 24 hours.. lol The house is empty I am going to pull all of my belongings out.. and he doesnot know it and is miles away.. then will leave my key behind.. It will bring closure I hope. I still love him but love should not hurt like this.
...............................
A
female
reader, citadel  +, writes (30 January 2013):
Yes, you're alone with this personal experience, but not alone where it comes to many others' similar experiences.Just type in the search and read on.I had one of those. He still calls. No biggie anymore, we talk about once every 3 months. My phone is programmed for voice announcement, I have him under "Narcissist Alert"Out at a bar and he called. "Narcissist Alert, Narcissist Alert" Heads turned like I was calling to 1/2 the people in the bar. They exist, no worries, if there was a blood test for it, I'd put it as a must have on my POF profile. Until then, I just use common sense and a deep sense of intuition. Don't worry, you'll learn too, we all do. Well, most of us.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): A narcisssist creates drama to feel "alive", because he is devoid of emotion/a normal person "suffers" from drama. also to gain attention...-any ailment/condition you have, a narcissists is worse-the empathy you felt for the narcissist turns into resentment because he has taken full advantage of your empathy-the narcissist will make ANYTHING believable/if others believe it, it is real to the narcissist-everything in their lives is a deadline and/or emergency-take advantage of others to achieve their goals-constantly seeking food/supply=admiration, attention, etc-narcissists fear abandonment, but they also facilitate their own abandonment for two reasons. they cant handle uncertainty and inconvenience, theyd rather end it, good or bad. and they will push for you to abandon them so that they can think it was their idea, that they controlled the situation-narcissists hate happiness and joy/they hate life itself-narcissists do not feel love, they feel "pride" toward their children, as an extension of themselves-narcissists lash out at happy people out of their own deprivation. they are envious whats others have, everything...their spouse, their lover, their good mood. he cant stand if someone else is happy outside of him being the centre of everyones universe-he induces unhappiness and gloom in others to enable him to experience his own misery-if one does not despise a monster, one is incapable of adult feelings/hating an abuser is a sign of emotional maturation-narcissists do not feel guilt for anything they do, they feel shame because their sense of perfection is questioned-narcissists employ crazymaking techniques to confuse you-ignoring a narcissist is seen as an attempt to devalue his exaggerated sense of self worth-a narcissist feels ashamed of being himself, thats why he does his best to hide his defects by striving for superiority-preys/plays on your weaknesses and insecurities. develops/gains your trust by sharing his secrets and displays of openness. later uses all that you have shared with him, against you. ***steals your light and you become his darkness***-has all the right words, but you never quite "feel" his sincerity-apologizes only to "shut you up" youre left feeling like you havent been heard, and although you appreciate the apology, it feels empty-nothing is ever his fault. his wrongful behaviour/actions are always the fault of someTHING or someONE else, never him-the very things youve confided in him, he will use against you. and just when you think he cant hurt you anymore, or that youve resolved the issue, he'll hurt you worse/more-he wants you around for a steady stream of narcissist supply regardless if there are other women, this is how he "feeds" -pathological liar. in such great detail he spins the web, you are left thinking these intricate stories MUST be the truth, who could make this up? but his words often leave you feeling that something doesnt quite add up. he has practiced a lifetime of this- stunted emotionally. often at the time of his life he was traumatized as a child. he is stuck emotionally at that very age-narcissist hates to lose. even if he no longer wants you, he will keep you around playing the game as long as you let him. he leaves YOU, not the other way round.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): i posted on here quite some time ago, but what i didn't post was a link to narcissism. prior to, and since i left my narcissist partner i have researched a great deal on this disorder. i would like to share a few things with you....First id like to say i am beginning to understand, and i want to point out i KNOW firsthand how alone you are probably feeling. this is not an ordinary breakup, nor was the endurance of this relationship ordinary. it is extremely difficult for others to understand this disorder that know nothing about it, and they dont understand the level of pain and confusion in comparison to a breakup between two otherwise "healthy" people. Without going into too many details about narcissism itself, please keep reading whatever you can find online/the library/wherever. inform those closest to you with as much knowledge on this disorder as possible....as i said, too many people do not know what it really is. and please dont be disappointed if they just dont get it, theyre not as involved or close to the situation like you are. youve really got to count on yourself with this one...i did. but the more you read, and learn, the clearer it will become. by the time i decided to leave my partner i was a basketcase. i felt as though my entire soul had been ripped away by something very evil.....and it was....almost.The fact that you are here reaching out tells me that you still have the chance to escape, there is still something left of you. a true narcissist does not want that, you are already winning. secondly, please allow yourself to feel every emotion, and ride with it. it wont be easy. keep a journal, cry if you want to, keep reading, talk to people, and try to stay busy. every day that you get through this without him, is a good day....baby steps. personally, i started a day at a time too, then a week, another, 16 days, etc. Many times i wanted to call/hear his voice, but i remembered everything that id gone through...i made a list of all the rotten things, and i read it over and over again, i called a gf, i cried....all of this and more. he did try to make contact, i ignored it, and i kept on ignoring it. It was extremely difficult, but guess what? i no longer wake up crying because of the abuse, i no longer go to bed crying, spending my days in chaos under his control, wondering who hes sleeping with now, listening to him talk/lies lies lies. the emotional neglect, the constant confusion....emotional abuse, neglect....idealize, devalue, discard/the narcissists game. crazymaking, gaslighting, zero empathy, zero responsibility. Is this ringing a bell? you see the beauty of leaving a narcissist, is not only the fact that you no longer have to go through all this and reclaim your soul, but the narcissist hates to lose, which is EXACTLY what happens when you leave him. do it for yourself, for your sanity, for your soul. and keep us posted xo
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionis there anybody out there that can just hold my hand for a while so i can work through this .. I know it is going to be hard, he is already asking if he can call me, go cinema, dinners etc.. and that is while he has a new woman.. I am fortunate my mobile is on end of contract so as soon as I find a nice new number it can be cancelled. But he is leaving a huge gap in my life, I know I need to do this.. but I am so alone in this ..
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 January 2013):
This guy gives you so much despair and angst.....
WHY would you spend one more MINUTE with him? .... and/or expend one iota of mental energy on him?????
Only if you are content with a future that duplicates your past.... and you're satisfied that that's what you want.... should you do anything except put lots of miles between him and you.....
Good luck....
...............................
|
