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female
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anonymous
writes: I want to get engaged to my wonderful partner of 8Yrs.The problem is I want us as a couple to move across the country. He says he is willing to move, but he says it just seems so far away from his family and friends. His parents are very backward and I would even say that they are developmentally challenged to the age of a Pre-teen. Growing up in this enviornment was unsafe and borderline abusive. The mother purchaced dolls instead of food. The mother collected junk/is a horder and has gotten worse over the years. She also is very manipulative. His father just goes along with what ever she wants. The friends that he does have treat him poorly. Almost all of his siblings have moved from the area. The one that still lives in this area does not bother with calling or meeting to visit. If we have children together I will be relieved that they will not be around his parents. They are a very poor influenceto any growing family by their living conditions and their intellect. I can't understand why he would want to stay in this area!!?! Where we would be moving would have a birth of opportunity and great weather! How do I help him realize and adjust to this idea?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): No, The pet thing is not really and excuse on his part.
He loves animals very much and is even a member of Peta.
I do have fear of flying our little dogs too! What if they loose them?
Thanks!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): Thanks everyone!
Where we will be moving would be away from both of our areas of origin. Also when ever he "clams up" I do point out to him that it is not an effective means of communication. That he needs to express his feelings openly to me. This is something that he was not able to do under his parents roof. This is due to the fact that his mother would have a tantrum if he had an opinion to see or do things his own way.
Another thing is if we had a child together they would not be allowed to visit his family's home because of the squalor and cat hording. The fleas are very bad and a young child could step on a sewing needle or pick up something small and choke. There is no where to sit and the smell is really bad. The health Department already know about it. That is most of the neglect and abuse in which I speak of. Thanks again!
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (10 August 2006):
 'When we have deep conversations he gets very nervous and "clams up."'
Doesn't that set off your alarm bells? I think that at the very least he needs counselling to deal with his communication issues. Inability to communicate is the top reason that relationships fail!
It's best to find a solution that contributes to the long term health of your relationship and to the well being of both people. Usually I would recommend an ultimatum to move things along, but not in this case. In his mind you are asking him to leave his support system behind. That is a scary concept for someone whose world revolves around the safety of his family.
Remember, you don't have to move to put up boundaries, but both of you need to be strong to properly defend them. Ask your man if he understands this.
Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006): I still say the move will not "miracously" solve any issues that his resentment to move or get couple's counseling.
If in fact what you are reporting is based in fact and not prejudicial; then your bf needs to seek individual counseling in dealing with his childhood home life and his struggles with loyalty and abandonment issues.
I find it admirable that he can love his parents even if he was not raised in the best of homes.
I think that to not pressure him and to wait for him to decide that he does want to move and he does want a life with you would be best.
I still say counseling is the best route.
It is good to hear that you have common friends and that they are willing to be supportive to you both. I hope he has just as many friends on his side as do you. I hope your friends are not his friends. I have to wonder about that.
You raise a good point in that you told him from the start your intentions of moving back to where your support system. This all sounds favourable on your part and I hope this isn't the need to be controling and manipulative on your part.
I think your bf is latching on to excuses so he doesn't have to deal with his real fears over the move...the pets may be genuine but play a small part in the fear of moving.
It would be interesting to hear things from his perspective. I am sure his concerns are just as valid and just as real.
I think saying you want couple's counselling and lets give it 8 appointments and see what we think of it then would be fair, don't you?
I hope this all gets sorted out.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006): Wild Thaing.
That is very good advice!
Thanks for that!
We have friends that live in the area that we will be moving. I also have a few family members that live near that area as well! It is a mecca of art and culture. He says the whole move will be a pain. He is also very afraid of how we will move our 2 little dogs to the other side of the country. He does not trust airplanes and animal transport. So he will have to drive them unless there is another way to get them there without all the stress and trouble?!?!
Any ideas about this fear I can help with?
Anyone here ever move cats or dogs to the other side of their country?
Thanks!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006): Irish 49+
That is very good advice.
I am not from the area where we live now and I do not feel at home here. He knew when he met me that I wanted to move away from this area. I wonder, did he really think that he would change my mind about that?? He won't go to couples counciling. He thinks that he is smart enough to know what they are going to say next. He thinks it is a waste of time and money. I think it is because he is afraid to face and talk about his feelings. When we have deep conversations he gets very nervous and "clams up."
I tell him if he does not want to move that it is "O.K." to feel that way, and that he can move back in with his parents. He has freedom to do what he wants.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (10 August 2006):
Honey, Irish49 has a very good perspective on your situation, one that I mostly agree with.
Your man sees no reason to cut the apron strings. Now, we only have your interpretation of the dynamic in his family, so the rest of my advice will be based on this.
If you get married to this man, the day will come when he will have a new family - you and your children. At that point, for the sake of your sanity, a new boundary has to go up, and as a result his parents and siblings (as well as yours!) go from being "family" to being "relatives". If he is unable to see this distinction he will not be able to stand up for his family and defend that boundary.
Moving to another city may help you and your man to build that boundary. But a potential consequence of moving is having to rebuild support systems for both you and your future husband. Some people (like me) have no problem with rebuilding the support system. But it looks like your man will have a huge adjustment to make, and you will have to become his support system while he is rebuilding. This is going to place a HEAVY burden on your marriage until he is back on his feet.
Whether you move or not, the main question is whether or not you and your future husband have the strength of character to establish and defend a new boundary from the marauding relatives and friends. You need to talk to your partner about this, and decide if both of you are willing to work HARD at making your marriage successful and helping a new family to thrive.
It's a good thing you are considering these questions now. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006): You have a huge problem here, dear. It's a difference in relationship values. He's not ready for an engagement, let alone marriage. He wants to move, but can't? It's plain to see that he's still emotionally dependent and is having a hard time, making the break from his family. Your bf has certainly known his parents much longer and feels a strong bond to them, in spite of their shortcomings. After all, these people are his parents and they raised him...he should feel close to them. But usually, when a fellow is mature enough to marry, he can readily accept a move to another community to have a better life with his loved one. This is common and par for the course. Many couples do this. Until you both work this out, this will always be a huge power struggle between the both of you. And that is not what marriage is. Marriage is compromise, negotiation and an equal partnership. If you marry and convince him to move, he may become increasingly resentful of this move and you. This will not bode well as you will need a marriage of solidarity, love and substance where the both of you can give your 'everything' to this marriage. In spite of how you feel for his parents, the problem is really not them...it's your bf's unwillingness to start a new life with you, elsewhere. If he's not ready, then you either have to accept this or simply let go. From what you say, you love him and he's wonderful. Even though you don't agree with his parent's lifestyle or who they are, remember they guided him and helped make him who he is, today. I will suggest you keep being cordial, but keep your distance from his parents and try your best to be more tolerant of them, for your bf's sake. Please wait and don't get engaged to this fellow until you and he have worked out this issue. It would be best for both of you to seek guidance from a good couples counselor to figure out coping strategies in order to deal with his parents and to help to build a strong and supportive marriage, in your future.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (10 August 2006):
 This sounds like you want to isolate him, it also sounds very controlling on your part. Hummm. I don't think he needs to "realize and adjust to this idea". If he doesn't want to move that far away then why would you want to make him?
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A
male
reader, unclerich +, writes (10 August 2006):
hi.very tough problem.he loves you cause he is willing to move away.but u must understand that this is his family it must be really hard for him.he loves them in a sense he is the only one around as everyone has left.if anything did happen to his parents he would most prob feel resonible if he was to move away.be supportive and more understanding and don't pressure him because he will resent u for it.i bet most of your friends have told you to pressure him but just take a step back.i know its hard 4 you but afer 8 years you have somthing special don't throw it away
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