A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My family is very traditional and I try to obey my parents as much as possible. When i was 14 years old they took me back to my country and got me engaged to a guy who is 22 years old. Of course i said no but that really upset my parents so I agreed and said yes or else they wouldn't bring me back to NY. I was there for about a month after the engagement and he kissed me and sexually touched me.. Honestly I did not want it and to this day regret letting myself not stand up for it more and say NO. I mean I did say no but i don't know like if I had said NO with more force he wouldn't have done what he did? So I kind of do blame myself. I've only had 1 boyfriend before the engagement when i was 13 but we never did anything besides hugging and a tap kiss. So it was all new and unusual for me but I do hate myself sometimes for letting him do that against my wishes.Anyways so than I come back to NY and my parents constantly pushed me to talk to my "fiance" back in my country. I really did not want to so i did not pick up calls texts or anything. He would constantly call me text me email me and even complained to my parents that i wasn't talking to him. The guy also claimed he "loves me and will die without me", and we only met that summer for a month.Everything was just so confusing. This went on for about a while. Both my parents and him tried to make me feel bad. That I was faking and being nice to him when I was in my country but now I am hurting him and that karma will get me. I got really scared since i am a big believer in karma but for some reason i just could not bring myself to speak to him. Then around my jnr year in high school i told a friend of mine about the situation and she was telling me how on 1 of those social networking sites some guy had requested her and flirting with her and his description fits the guy i am talking about. Sure enough she let's me see who it is and it is the same guy... my "fiance". I even more disgusted, especially with myself. I don't know what to do.Now I am a college sophomore and I will graduate in 2 years, which means my parents will start talking about my marriage and going back and marrying the guy. My "fiance" occasionally tries to get in touch with me and my parents sometimes bring up the situation but they know i don't like talking about it. But now the time is coming closer and i think it will come up very soon. I just don't know what to do. I am very scared of my parents and don't want to disobey them. I also don't want to "hurt" my "fiance" since he "loves me" and i showed i care about him as well because i let him kiss me and touch me. I don't really want to marry this guy. I kind of like my best-friend, me and him have been close for about 3 years now and we just have such a great understand. I care about him a lot and might even see myself with him in the future (we know we like each other but because of complications with school work and home life we stayed friends for now). I am scared of karma and hurting people. But I also don't want to be unhappy. This might seem easy to some people like by saying just do what you want to do and be happy, but i really was raised in a strict family and whatever my parents said is what goes. and i really want their blessings with me and i am scared of not having that. This is very confusing and i just don't know what i should do? help me please :[
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u every1 4 ur help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): You are a legal adult now. You no longer have to obey your parents.I realise some cultures sill practice arranged marriages, but there is a reason that Western Society frowns upon it to the point where it's illegal.It's time to grow up and be an adult and tell your parents that whilst you understand and appreciate their desire to have the best for you, it's your life and you will live it how you see fit.Basically, politely tell them to sod the fuck off.Religion be damned. No one has any right to coerce anyone into anything. I don't care which god they chose to worship or how.Flynn 24
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): Don't you dare marry him if you're going to be unhappy about it. :) YOU deserve a good life, but you have to make sure it's worth turning him down. I, personally, wouldn't accept a marriage like that. It might be because i've never experienced anything that traditional. Especially not if your "fiancé" is a pervert and touches you without your persmission, and has contact with your friend. Talk to your parents. They need to know what you think. When you are independent, you are free to chose whatever you want. Like another commenter said if "it's only going to lead to divorce" it's not worth it, at all. It just hurts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): Omg this guy sounds like a perv. This also happened to me almost the same exact but the guy lived here not backhome so it was so hard but I told my parents if I marry him its gonna end up in a divorce I fought my way all the way I finally had to tell the guy witch was soo hard but I told him I can't marry him or we will both live in hell for the rest of our lifes. So I told him No. My parents were pissed offf soooo bad wouldn't talk to me well first the had a lot to say I had to hear about it for a while. But they got over it its been 7yrs I am married to my high school sweetheart that used to be my bestfriend we have 2 kids and my parents love my HB that guy ended up marrying my 1st cousin and I know she is verrrry unhappy w/him she has told me she can't stand him. So I thank god I stood up to everybody and chose my own life and I think u need to do the same nobody is gonna live w/him but u u have to sleep w/him not your parents so its not diobeying your parents its just choosing your life. U need to only think about your life and nobody else I'm pretty sure he'll find somebody else in no time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): What religion is your family? If you're family are strict and it is their religion and part of your custom to marry in this way then you need to consult your imam, pastor, priest or whatever one applies to your faith for guidance.
Forget about this guy, he is not your concern right now. Does your friend have evidence that he was flirting with her? If so keep it and show it to your parents and tell them what he is like if she doesn't then tell her next time to keep evidence to show to your parents. Seriously forget this guy and tell your religious adviser what he did to you and what he did to your friend. He is not allowed to touch you sexually before marriage in all religions that are this strict.
Let me make this clear to you OP because you are young and you might not have figured this out, this guy does not care about you, he does not respect you or he wouldn't have done things or said what he said. It is not your concern what he does, he certainly won't hurt himself, he's only saying that guilt trip you.
It would be very unwise to go against your parents wishes until you are old enough to become independent of them. So you must go see a religious adviser on the issue, preferably one from your motherland that knows your customs and can find ways for you to convince your parents within the confines of your religious and cultural beliefs.
You live in the US there are a lot of ways that you can be protected from this kind of thing. If you talk to a religious adviser and they can't help talk to another, if they still can't help then approach your school counselor or another trusted adult.
it is very important you find a way within your religion and culture to back you up. If your parents are wholly devoted to these practices then you must respect this and do this from within those beliefs. I've studied theology extensively and there are always get out clauses in all these things, him touching you sexually is possibly one of those. So you must go to a spiritual adviser and find out.
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