A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 21 years old and engaged to be married. Let me explain some of my background to you so that this makes sense. I went to a very small Christian school all my life (16 kids in a k-12 school) that is attached to my church. I grew up reading the bible, soul-winning, singing in the choir, and praying for missionaries. Girls were always separated from the boys at all times and most of us growing up didn't do overnights or have guests in our bedrooms. We were not being punished, but e-mail addresses, facebook, things like that, were unacceptable I never played a video game in my life and only used online for research. All our classes, including science were bible based. We were only alloweed to listen to Christian music (NOT Christian rock) and watch Christian movies and such. No teen magazine, no tv shows that were not Christian based etc. I knew I was very naive and sheltered and my parents wanted it that way. I attended Bible College and was never allowed to date until college. A guy there liked me and has been trying to persue me and some of my church friends told my parents and they insisted upon meeting him (we live half an hour away and I commuted because they did not want me in the dorms). They had dinner with him and spoke to his parents and his pastor and decided that he could start courting me. I really wasn't sure if I was interested, I tried telling my friends that, and that is why I did not mention this to my parents. I told my friends that I was not interested and that they should have minded their business so I could turn him down gently. Since I have never been allowed to be alone with a male, I really couldn't tell him privately and I'd hate to embarrass him. I told my parents that I wasn't interested and even asked my pastor's wife how to turn him down. They all grilled me on on what I had against me, why I wasn't giving him a chance, and reminded me that as a woman, I was to be submissive and that I do not get to call the shots. That it is in God's hands and that it is His Will, not mine. They kept saying to pray about it and that I was to allow him to court me and that I could always change my mindI think he is a Godly man and that he will do me no harm. All our dates are escorted so there isn't much chance to say that I am not looking and that I am leading him on. He proposed in front of my parents (my dad gave him permission) and they said "Praise God" and started calling people to tell them I was engaged. I was told to drop out of college and be prepared to get married.I am an adult and should have a say in this! I really only said yes because I felt I had to but I am scared to death of marriage because I am not interested in sex. We haven't even kissed because we don't do that before marriage. I do not get turned on, I do know what sex is about (including oral and otherwise) and I have researched it secretly in the public library in my college town. I am disgusted and scared of what people do and pray he would never expect me to do that. I know many people like it and I am afraid to come across as judgmental to anyone who does. I am not sharing my opinions on sex before marriage or other forms of it, but I know that for ME, I am NOT interested. If I never do anything like that in my life, I would be fine with that. I truly believe that I am asexual. There have been men I have found attractive (and women), but not sexually so. There are men who are funny and smart and interesting to talk to, but I was always forbidden to talk to them unless they spoke first and NEVER with someone else's husband or boyfriend. I have been told that a person "shouldn't knock it if they haven't tried it" but I even tried pleasuring myself and was very much not into it at all, I felt disgusting!Is there a good way to end the engagement without having to explain this in front of everyone? I am afraid that if I asked him to be alone with me so I could talk in private, he wouldn't let me. Or he would talk to my family and my church and once again, they will not listen. And I don't want to admit why I don't want to have sex and why I know as much about it as I do.I know this sounds strange to most people, but I would really like some advice! I am embarrassed to b ring it up to the pastor's wife and as someone who is on her parents' insurance who is not allowed to go to secular counseling IF I'm allowed to go at all (likely not going to fly), I am at a loss. Please understand that I am not kidding about any of this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2014): Thank you Pilar! That sounds like a wonderful idea. I want to do the right thing but doing the right thing for the wrong reason is a sin as well. So is living a lie and marrying someone for practical purposes. I have no idea how I got sucked in so quickly, but I am a pretty quiet person and I don't like to hurt feelings. Sometimes it's hard to know when it's my place to say something. Some of my friends feel bad they dragged me into this and one told me that she was excited the man approached me since no one else had. She told me that I come across as snobbish and stand-offish and unapproachable even though she knows I am none of the above! I simply was not interested!Everyone knows now (including the man) that I'm not planning on getting married to him. he was upset at first, everyone was. But he did also apologize to my dad because he really did push me faster than I was ready to go and that he himself was getting impatient in general. This still is frustrating and I'm hoping that if I get to go back to college, I can find a different church to attend in that area that isn't like the one I've grown up in, a church that lets me grow.
A
female
reader, Pilar  +, writes (1 June 2014):
God bless you. The Christian faith is what makes life meaningful, and I am a lady of 60, a Bible college grad, believe the Bible, and have studied the Word of God seriously for longer than you have been alive. But while there are true churches and false churches, any church that could make you a prisoner, physically, emotionally, or spiritually, is revealing itself to be one church that really does not speak for Jesus Christ in a balanced Scriptural way. You had a wonderful upbringing, and your parents love you. But you, they, the church body, the pastor and his wife - you are all in a trap, a trap that is being sprung, to shut very tight, with terrible consequences, for long, long years to come. Sadly, the pastor's wife really cannot help you now, as she will look to her husband, and indeed she may care about you, but her hands will be tied. Personal confrontations are so difficult, and your emotions, and everyone else's, will be hard to control. Picture the "business meeting" of a church, if you have ever attended one. So here it is, 4:30 a.m. in the morning, and I am on this website for the very first time ever, and I read your story right away. They call these 'Aunty Answers' or something, so here is specific advice from 'Aunty Pilar' -- Ready? Here goes... You will need to buy a box of nice Christian greeting cards. You must print out no more than 2 or three simple paragraphs, and glue them into the cards. Then mail them, don't hand them out. Mail each one - to Mom, to Dad, to the Boy, to his Parents, to Pastor, to Pastor's wife, plus to your Real Friends, Grandparents, Other Relatives. You write well, so I know you will do this without any problem. You don't have to be specific about your personal feelings about sex. That is your private business. Remember that. You don't have to expose yourself to anyone, to be judged by anyone on that issue. Keep your dignity. You have a right to your own feelings. Your spouse is Jesus Christ, and that fact remains whatever you later choose to do in life, married or single. He loves you most of all, and I think you know that! The Lord also cherishes humility, and the current teachings on "submission" should be tempered with that virtue on the part of all believers, men and women both, more than is usually taught (when you study the Greek, you will find this is actually correct). The message in the cards should contain the following points, which can apply equally to everybody who gets a card. "I am sending this card to everyone concerned in my engagement to "X'. I want to tell you how much I appreciate and value my relationship to you. I have prayed about this. I know beyond a doubt that I am not ready for marriage. I also know in my heart that I must confess to you all that, without meaning to do so, I have misled you all into believing I wanted to become engaged to "X". The truth is that I have no spiritual or emotional or affectionate commitment in my heart at all for this individual. It has been a very unfortunate misunderstanding. Prayerfully, I realize you must all know the truth. I want to continue my education at college. I have developed a good moral basis for my life in Christ, and further studies will strengthen me to do the work of the Lord, as He leads. So I will not marry "X". I will never marry "X". All plans for this marriage must be cancelled as of today, for my decision is final. I am not a Hindu girl in India who is willing to be forced into an arranged marriage. I am a Christian young woman from a good Christian background, and God has prepared a different future for me right now. I am quite certain of it, just as I am certain that Jesus is the saviour of my soul. Thank you all for caring about me so much. I humbly ask your forgiveness, and the forgiveness of "X", for the surprise and confusion my decision may cause you. I love you all in Christ, and I always will. In His Service, -------------
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 May 2014):
 Good for you OP, its so great that you had the courage to talk to your mom and lay things out in front of her. The problem here is exactly what you describes: you have been so far removed from the real world that you don't know how to handle it but then again you weren't even supposed to know because you were never supposed to live in the real world.
As far as the sex goes, may be you are asexual as you say, but I think its more likely that you have been stifled to such an extent and have been fed with such a negative view on sex that you cannot think of it in a normal, healthy manner. It has literally been hammered into you that sex is something bad, it is something to be ashamed of, pleasuring yourself is a horrible thing to do and that bodily pleasures are a sin. You cannot get yourself to get out of this and whatever you've seen online, possibly images or videos of people having sex, has filled you with disgust. You cannot imagine how people can do that and you have been so sheltered and protected that you cannot even dream of letting a man touch you, let alone enter you.
You need to try to get over this. Sex is a beautiful act between two people who are in love OP, its gentle and warm and makes you feel wonderful about yourself. It doesn't have to be degrading or demeaning, if everything is done with mutual consent then it's one of the most pleasurable, satisfying acts ever. You've never been in love or even allowed yourself to think out of the water-tight box that you have been sealed in.
However, all said and done, one thing at a time. As of now, get rid of the guy and live your life the way *you* want to. You have the right ideas OP, you'll be fine, just don't let anyone dictate your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): Hi op.I hope everything goes well. Please let us know what happens. I'm not religious and wasn't raised sheltered. I was raised with religion and have religious friends....so I wonder wouldn't God want you to honor your husband and family? How can you do that if your heart is not sincere?God would not want you to lie or hide your feelings, because of something as banal as some embarrassment. I feel God would want you to walk the path of honesty, and do what is right. Your dad should see it from there - would he rather you lie to save his ego?Best of luck OP, I am about your age and wish I could talk to you and ooffer you a solution, but please talk to your dad.Better a little embarrassment now than a lifetime of regret.Please please don't drop out of college or you will be even more sheltered!!!! I recommend reading some philosophy to help understand the world a bit more.Best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): OP here. Wow. Thank you all so much for your kind and insightful responses. Our church isn't that bad, but all my life my parents (all my family, really), and many friends along the way have put a lot of pressure on everyone to "walk the straight and narrow". There are higher expectations for the Pastor's children too, of course. For a long time, I resented my parents for bringing me up the way they did because I knew I would be easy to take advantage of in "the real world". The difference is that when you are raised the way I was, you aren't SUPPOSED to know how to handle the real world because you're not supposed to be part of it anyway. Basically, we don't NEED to know.I did talk to my mom, I pulled her aside and told her how un-ready I was and that I didn't know how it escalated like this so quickly. I told her that I meant it when I wasn't looking and that I was frustrated that my college friends jumped in FOR me and started the ball rolling. I told her I didn't know which time I was supposed to say I wasn't interested. I told her it wasn't fair to him either.I also talked to some of my friends and they of course grilled me on why I wouldn't want to be with him. I got so frustrated that I asked one of them how she would feel if one of our single professors (30 years our senior) wanted to court her and her parents encouraged it. She said she wouldn't like that at all, not just because of his age. I said, "Exactly. You didn't ask whether or not I WANTED you to mention Guy to my parents. Now, I feel stuck".My mom talked to my dad and he's pretty upset with me but they do both see how I sort of got sucked in. Of course I prayed about it, and I know this marriage isn't for me. Maybe I will feel attracted to someone when I am older, right now I really don't. I am going to be able to break it off with him, but my dad's problem is that that will be humiliating to him. Well, if I'd turned him down in front of them, it would be humiliating to him too!I'm going to talk to him tomorrow and I really hope it goes well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): There's no easy way out of it, and there's usually no painless way to break up, which is what you'll be doing. I don't think you have to tell them WHY, just that your feelings and attraction aren't there. Of course they will want to know why and will keep asking, but I don't think you should feel obligated to tell them about your fear and loathing of sex or how you know things about sex. Tell everyone that God has led you to believe it's not His will that you marry this man, that you have prayed and asked to be sure, but that's the conclusion God has revealed to you. You should tell him first, because you ARE going to have to break up with him, and he IS the other affected party here. I do think that God will send you someone you feel more comfortable with or that it may well be His plan for you not to marry. Perhaps you should communicate that to your parents as well.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (29 May 2014):
I felt sad reading your post because it made me realize how truly helpless you must feel and how badly you have been trapped in this situation. Being religious is one thing but to let to dictate and take over your life completely and entirely is another aspect altogether.
I understand that like all parents, your parents too want the best for you but the way they have chosen is sadly very, very wrong. You have been brought up in a very strict, water-tight system that has given you absolutely no room to grow. This is almost like reading a Khaled Hosseini novel about a girl being brought up in Taliban controlled Afghanistan because really, your life isn't any different.
I don't even know where to start from but first, is there ANY way that you can get out of the college you're in and apply to a regular college? Are there any "normal" friends/relatives that you can confide in?
If not, then the only option you have is to be brave and tell your parents that you are not ready to marry this man. Tell them that you refuse to be forced into something that you don't want to and that you will speak to him and his parents too and tell them what you feel.
I would ordinarily never say this to anyone but I think you would be much better off without your family breathing down your neck. Just get out of your house if you can, get someone to help you get a job and leave home. These people will just bring you down and suffocate you and unless you stand up for yourself, you'll be forced to live the life that you're dreading so much already.
The more I read your post, the more amazed I feel! I am speechless at the way things are in a country like yours and that you are being controlled to this extent. This is unthinkable. You're not even allowed to TALK to a guy alone, you're not allowed to do anything that you want, you have NO social or personal life, you've been stifled so hard even before you could breathe that now you've almost forgotten how to!
OP you have the chance to do something here. You can stand up for yourself, tell your parents that like every other human being you too deserve a normal, regular life and you will not allow religion to dictate you ANY further. This is unhealthy to say the very least. Stand up, not just for yourself, but for the many other girls who are trapped in the same situation as yours. Refuse to give in, contact your local women's help organizations if necessary, do anything that is possible to get out of this conundrum. Please do not settle for the life that you are being pushed into. This isnt about sex, its about your own life choices which you should be allowed to have because you are an individual in a free country and no one can tell you how to lead your life or who to lead it with.
Please do keep us informed and keep writing here so we can help you as much as possible.
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (29 May 2014):
Wow, it is amazing to me that there is this kind of religious oppression right here in America.
Honey, in my humble opinion you are being held against your will. The people that are doing this do not have your best interest in mind. They have brainwashed you and are trying to control your every move. Please, call the local women's crisis center. They can help you get away so that you can be free to be yourself. You can make your own decisions and take care of yourself. The world is not the horrible evil place they've taught you it is. You should not be forced to marry.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (29 May 2014):
 This response is mainly religious based, since religion is being used as a mean of control, and not as GOD intended.I really do not like when so called Christians used GOD’s words to control people. I read the Bible every day, and I learn from GOD… not mankind, because mankind say a lot of non-sense to please their own desires.First off…If the matter is in GOD’s hands, why are they making marriage arrangements? Did GOD tell them to? They should be the ones praying for GOD to instruct you, and help guide you, not take matters into their own hands.Second…I guess they forgot this part in the Bible… Ephesians 5:21 “Submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ.” Notice that part “ONE ANOTHER”. Or maybe this does not apply to them…1 Corinthians 7:3 “A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the other's needs.”And the one I love the most…1 Corinthians 7:4 “A wife is not the master of her own body, but her husband is; in the same way a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is.”The wife is the master of her husband as well. The men who call themselves Christians love throwing around that word “SUBMIT”. But they themselves do not submit to GOD’s ways. You will submit yourself to the right man, and he will submit to you. And if you are both REAL Christians, you will submit yourselves to GOD…Not the church or the people in it.Every relationship must have a leader and the other submit to that leader. Every house hold must have a leader, and the rest of the house hold submits…true. Why? It avoids fights and arguments about how things get done. Like in the army…someone must lead and the other submit and follow. It should never be used as “You have no say in the matter”. Why?? A foolish leader who doesn’t listen will soon have no one to lead, but wise leader will gain much respect.As for your relationship…Take him aside and speak to him. If your family gets involved, make it clear that you appreciate their blessings, but you will wait until GOD sends you the right husband. Put your faith in him, not people. For the Lord Jesus said this to his followers…John 15:5 “Those who remain in me, and I in them, will bear much fruit; for you can do nothing without me.” He did not say the church.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (29 May 2014):
 Lets get the sex part out of the way first.
There are 2 things you need to know.
1. You will want to have sex when you are ready for it. This happens at different ages for different people. You are what we call a late bloomer. That is not a bad thing btw. Doing it now will be a mistake and I doubt you will enjoy it much.
2. You have to actually like the guy. If you are not into him, then of course you wont want to do the most intimate thing in the world with him. I once knew a girl who offered me sex. I refused because I simply didn't like her. Why should I or you have to have sex with people just because they want to? We shouldn't and I didn't.
Now onto the real issue here.
Its really your ultimate decision here. Knuckle under and play wife. You might get used to and be fine, or you might hate it and become a terrible wife and mother. Only you know which way you will go there.
Or sit down with him and the chaperone and just tell him straight that you don't love him and never will and you don't want to marry him. Make it clear that during the ceremony, you will say no. Everyone will put pressure on you to go through with it, but you will have to be strong.
Its your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): Reading this made me sad. It's terrible that your family and friends have done this to you.You live in the United States. Like most first world countries, the US does not allow forced marriages. You said you're an adult and you should have a say. That's not true. You have THE say. The only say. Your friends and family can give you advice and make suggestions, but you get to make the final decision in every aspect of your life.This has nothing to do with sex. You're being forced to do something you don't want to do, and you're trying to find a way out of it. You feel like you need to come up with a way to convince your friends and family to let you out of the engagement. Well, I can assure you that they won't care about your feelings regarding sex...they don't care about your feelings regarding anything else, and they've essentially said as much, so they're not going to care about that either. But the thing you need to realize is that you don't need to convince them to let you do anything. You don't need a "good way" to get out of the engagement. You don't love this man, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with him, you don't want to marry him - that's all the reason you need. Don't even bring up the sex. Just tell them you've decided that you're not going to marry him. Don't tell them you don't want to marry him, tell them you're not doing it. Don't approach it like a debate, where you have to convince them to let it happen, because it's not their choice. It's yours. Simply inform them of your decision and end it. Don't worry about hurting his feelings or embarrassing him...what's more important to you, your long term happiness or his temporary embarrassment?The religious aspect of this is a tricky one. But you need to realize that, in your country, you have freedom of religion. You can be a member of any religion you want, you can follow whichever religious rules you want(and only the rules you want). But the important thing is they are not laws. You are not required to abide by them. As a woman, you do NOT have to be submissive and you DO get to call the shots. God's Will? How do they know what God's Will is? They're forcing THEIR will on you, it has nothing to do with God. Frankly, it disgusts me they would use His name to justify their manipulation of you.Sit your parents down and tell them that you've decided you're going to continue going to college and not marry this man. Say it with conviction, and don't waver. Remember that you do not need their permission. It's your life, not theirs. I hope that your parents will come to their senses and support you, but if not, you may need to remove yourself from that situation entirely. Meaning, move out on your own, get a job, and support yourself as you go through college. I know it sounds daunting, but it can be done. Millions of youngsters your age do it every year. There are lots of support groups out there to help you along the way, if that's the route you choose. Hey, maybe THAT is God's Will for you.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): I am not going to say anything about how religion controls sexuality or how religion is patriarchal or any of those criticisms because such is the church doctrine, and you follow if you want, in my case I CHOSE to follow in yours I am not so sure. I am a christian, yet I did not have a sheltered upbringing like you, for one my parents have never forced me to to anything, be it attend church, dress modestly, pray whatever, as a result I don't miss worldly things like you seem to miss. Standards differ widely in Christian circles about many things, for instance in Germany christians drink beer and it's considered fine. I have decided not to live by dogmas imposed by men, though. Study it (Christianity) like any other subject don't just gulp down everything you are fed. Christians isolate themselves from the world to avoid worldliness I understand that but do you think why? question why? or just accept it? I am not criticizing the way you and your family live, for instance not kissing someone before marrying, I have a cousin who did just that and it worked for him, but You have to question whether or not avoiding temptation in that way is the wisest thing to do. There are certain things I don't do or want to do, not because someone else does not want to, or because I think the church will frown on it, but because I feel the Lord does not want me to do. "They all grilled me on on what I had against me, why I wasn't giving him a chance, and reminded me that as a woman, I was to be submissive " Honestly OP I don't think the bible says you have to be submissive to every men, but your husband which in turn should love you as Christ loved his church - (That was written by Paul who also said women should not speak in church, that was a different time, and I think we should ponder a little about certain things)- OP you have a right to tell your parents that you do not feel that this man is the right one for you. You are still very immature, I don't know if you're asexual but the disgust you feel toward sex is a quite childish reaction. whatever you do, finish college first, tell your family you have prayed about it but you are not ready to be a wife and that you do not feel that it is a good match for you. Education is a very important thing whether or not you'll do something with your degree, choosing to be a homemaker is one thing, having to be one is quite another. Tell your fiance you have to speak with him in private and break up the engagement. Paul himself said "it's better to stay unmarried" ( you see how one can take things out of context and give it any meaning they want...)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 May 2014):
 If you don't want to get married tell them that you don't feel that this is God's plan for you.
You don't write as though you subscribe to the belief system you describe. If you don't wish to be forced into marriage against your will or sex against your will, say so. We are not living in the 11th century.
If you need some links to organizations that get you out of being forced into a marriage against your will, we'll find them for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): I don't know what culture or country you are from, but you are an adult and should have control over your own life. Don't marry because you feel you are being forced into it. Marry because he's the one you love and don't want to live without.
I think when you meet the right person, you will have those feelings and it will all come naturally.
If you are unable to talk to him alone, write him a letter and explain your feelings and tell him he deserves someone who truly loves him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): Honey, if you are not interested in sex, then you are right - it is not for you to get married. Even in a fundamental church, you still have the right to say no to marriage because you are an adult. You can tell your parents that you have been praying about it and that you feel it is not God's WIll for you to marry him. That you do not want to lead him on and that it is not fair for you to deprive him of a woman who is better suited for him. I don't know if you are expected to live at home until you are married and they want you out of the house, or what. Even if you did stay, surely they would let you work somewhere so you can help financially or around the house. I would use your religion as leverage to say this and explain that you didn't know what to say without being disrespectful toward anyone. I wish you would have brought this up to them sooner, that you felt it wasn't right but it was hard for them to listen. You don't have to say anything about sex at all because it's really none of their business. While you may very well be asexual, it's possible that your upbringing and lack of exposure taught you that sex was disgusting and dirty. That getting turned on was considered lust. It isn't. Being hungry isn't gluttony but on both tokens, it's hard to know where to draw the line. I'm not going to get into details about sex or anything, but it's possible you just haven't found someone you're attracted to. What worries me is that you felt that pleasuring yourself was disgusting and that you maybe have a problem with your own body. I really hope that isn't the case. I also hope that nothing happened in your past that you are repressing.
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