A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please Help! I'm married with 2 beautiful kids and husband is working abroad. We are quite different in alot of ways. I'm a very affectionate and loving person where he isn't even though I've tried again and again but to no avail. He does look at other women but doesn't let me look at other men. He has freedom to go out with friends and I respect that we should have our spaces now and then but he won't give me, mine. He is possessive and tries to dictate to me what I should and shouldn't wear etc. He wasn't like this when we were courting. He changed after we married and more so after our kids. He spends more time talking and being with his friends but will not give me at least 10minutes of husband and wife quality time. I have told him nicely but he refuses to meet me half way.Here the dilemna begins. I got to know his friends including another couple very well. They have been having problems of their own as well for years but are staying together for their kids' sake. The husband and I are so alike and our spouses seem like they should have been the ones to marry each other. The husband finally admitted to me that he is in love with me and has been calling and emailing me. I'm falling in love as well as he is a man, father and partner that I have always wanted. Why is the timing off and life sometimes not as easy as we'd like it to be. Right now, you could say we are going through emotional infidelity and infidelity has always been something I have been against but now I feel so helpless as he seems to be my ideal partner. My husband and I and the other couple know each other very well and this makes things more complicated. And no, we haven't got to the physical intimacy level yet. Help, my conscience is eating me up inside.
View related questions:
infidelity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (17 May 2008):
 Emotional infidelity is when you nurture a thought for someone outside your marriage. It's when you convince yourself that it's OK to "just" spend time with a person you are actually attracted to. It's when you come home from work and run to the computer to see if your "friend" has e mailed you. It is time spent on someone that should have been spent on your spouse.
It's not all black and white either. If you're out for a drink and someone is hitting on you, it feels good. You can acknowledged that. You can make small talk etc. If you go back the next week looking for that person, you're on the wrong track. It's one of those things that creeps up on a person.
Feelings are great. Flattery appeals to most of us. Searching for it though leads to trouble.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): I honestly don't know where this "emotional infidelity" idea came from. The heart wants what it wants, and that's not something you do on purpose or can control. How can loving and caring about someone be wrong? How can that be defined as unfaithful?
You *can* control your actions, however, and it sounds like you would not respect yourself if you got involved in a physical affair. If both prior marriages were failing anyway, is divorce for both of you an option so that you can move on together as an honest couple?
Remember that the relationship you have is the example you set for your kids. If your relationship is not healthy, then it may be better for your children if you seek one that is.
Best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (17 May 2008):
 my honest thoughts? leave your horrible husband and be with the nice guy. just do it carefully, and fairly, and don't be unfaithful, as you'll feel bad about it, and it wouldn't be right.
life's too short not to be with someone you really love. no regrets - just look forward. if this guy is as good as you think, the two of you will find a way through and work things out. and people do swap partners ... maybe that's what you should all do?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): This topic is bound to stir up a few moralising comments about your thoughts of infidelity. Beyond your dilemma nevertheless, it is fairly understandable that your not receiving from your spouse the desired amount of fondness and care, favoured an attraction towards another person. In compensation to poor conditions at home. Now, an affair may not be a solution for you if the voice of your conscience serves you zealously. You may even see this other man without a blemish precisely because you're disconcerted by the course of the marriage! As I said before, affairs can create room for equally powerful crises, thus it is a step to be very well thought-out. As regards your husband, especially due to the fact he works abroad, the come backs should be fructified to the greatest extent possible. We don't know him, thus we can support your complaints or very well find him excuses! There are situations when husbands work abroad to provide for the family and the wife is discontented and not with his efforts, but with the crumbs of time they seem to be spending together, while he does not recognize what disturbs her but sees this as unnapreciation of his efforts. In consequence, that time is crumbed even more, now voluntarily, with the two avoiding each other. The marriage deteriorates and and they witness this most helpless due to poor or lack of communication. What do you think? See if you can have this type of discussion with him, explaining these thoughts and how you feel neglected. I added this part because you do not mention what you think triggered this behaviour in him, as you say he has not always been so distant. Eventually, if this marriage IS inadequate, the situation will aggravate however many efforts you make to salvate it! You will know. As I said, you must calculate your steps very well, because your status implies it! You alone must decide what retains you in this marriage and if it should be saved. All the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (16 May 2008):
"The man, father and partner you've always wanted" ??????He is a CHEATER and you are too. Why would yo want him? Eso, no puedo entender.
You say your husband won't give you your space. It's not his to give, it's yours to have because you are a human being. You own your space and the more you give in to his demands, the more he believes the opposite. On the other hand, he won't see it this way. Also you will have validated his worst suspicions because you are a cheater. You will prove him correct. I pity the next woman he's with.
Are you actually latin american?
...............................
|
