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age
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*reddy58
writes:My daughter in law in emotionally abusing my son. I stepped back from their relationship some time ago as they were having problems. My support or advice was not required by his wife. Her mother and I started to contact each other by text or email hoping that between us we could privately understand and therefore help if required. The daughter in law somehow managed to read and copy all of her mothers correspondence off her laptop and phone,to and from me, and gave the copies only containing my dialogue to my son. Big circles, comments in the margin etc, all very strange as there was not anything to be concerned about. My son was told to tell me I could no longer contact her mother!Although I was angry and somewhat dismayed, I agreed, just to keep the peace for my son. The family and I have noticed how my son is now very quiet, appears tired, withdrawn and forgetful. He tells me she can be volatile and verbally abusive, threatens to leave, tells him how useless he is etc etc. He said "I have stopped trying, everything I do is wrong. She is trying to change me into someone I cannot be".What can I do to help without interfering?
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reader, bombayblue52  +, writes (23 July 2014):
I hope you will get information on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as there is more than a very good chance that this is your son's wife's problem, which makes it his problem, and the problem of ANYONE who would dare to oppose her in ANY way. Just "google" Narcissistic Personality Disorder and you'll have enough to keep you reading for months! Also, there are some very good youtube.com videos on the subject as well. Facebook has some great pages, too: Sanctuary for Awarenss and Recovery, After Narcissistic Abuse there is Light and Love, Narc-ology, The Narcissist, RedLightRunnersAnonymous, The Empathy Trap. Pinterest also has information on this disorder. And, last, but not least, there are some good books on the subject. Well, in closing, I wish you and your family the very best of luck, because you are going to need it, as the very nature of this disorder can be summed up in a simple quote: "Narcissistic Personality Disorder: One of the few conditions where the patient is left alone, and everyone else is treated." (You see, they see themselves as perfect; nothing is EVER their fault.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): I understand that you are concerned for your son, a mother always looks out for the best interests of her children. I am a mother and a wife, I met my husband 9 years ago and along with that came his sweet and loving parents. I was separated from my husband who lived in New York, I was so impressed with his parents love and support for their son. I visit their house many times. They even invited my parents over, it was all good until a wife popped out of nowhere. Of course they did mention an ex-wife. I should have run from that moment on. The woman looked run down and tired and begged me to leave her husband alone. A baby sat in her lap and a little girl lingered around him (my boyfriend at that time.) I was confused and disoriented, it was a part of his life he had denied. I knew he had an ex-wife and two children but never a current wife... I got up and started walking towards the door , my sister was there with me we both got up at the same time and said goodbye. His father and mother saw their son trying to stop me so they interfered by taking me for a drive while their son took care of his wife. Shortly after we drove back to their home and she was gone. Weeks later they would invite me more often until I moved in with them. I'm not sure how it happened but I was sleeping with their son in their own home and his wife to them she was only trash. Months later I was not allowed to talk to my family or my sister because they were trying to destroy our relationship. I got pregnant shortly after, keep in mind I was separated from my husband, so when I filed for divorce my husband at that time decided to keep my house and cars that I had here in Houston and I was okay with that but my in-laws they were devastated they wanted me to keep half of all. It did not seem right so I told my ex to sell and take the money and put it away for our 4 year old and he did.I married their son after that my mother-in-law asked me have an abortion so I moved out of her house. Things got so crazy. Abusive behaviour and verbal abuse was part of my every day life. 3 years ago I escaped the relationship and filed for a protective order, restraining order and a divorce and I was finally free... but they looked for me after the divorce was final.I was scared I was afraid but the police did nothing to stop it, the judge would not reinstate the protection. He came around using our daughter as an excuse, slowly he took control of my life and his mother and father did too. I am back with him and I am constantly being punished by the silent treatment they call me crazy, bi-polar, evil and mean. They accuse me of hating his kids and his ex-wife being emotionally unstable. My in-laws control the money we have, they won't let me write checks or carry a check book from their son's account. I want to see my old therapist but I am ashamed of what has become of me so I stay quiet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): Your son needs to decide if this is the life he wants... maybe he enjoys being dominated and having his manhood destroyed- or maybe she's beaten him down to a shell of a man, and he's going to have to realize that living like this is like being pecked to death by a duck... each peck doesn't hurt much, but it will take YEARS of constant pecks to die...
He needs to get his affairs in order, pay off any debts, pack some cash away and divorce this bitch.
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reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (30 September 2009):
 So, she not only finds fault with him constantly, but also sneaks around stealing other peoples correspondences from their private devices in order to cause problems? And dictates as to whom may speak to whom? Nasty piece of work. Best thing you can do is stay in regular contact with your son, but politely avoid contact with the wretch of a wife. Politely let him know that you think she has serious personality problems, (because she does!), but don't place demands on him as far as taking sides etc, let her be the one to do that. It sounds as though it's a marriage headed for divorce courts anyway, and the sooner the better. Just pray that she doesn't get pregnant and tie herself to your family forever. Good luck. :)
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reader, Lani702 +, writes (29 September 2009):
 WOW. It sounds like he really is being emotionally abused. May she rot in hell. But I digress. Your question, specifically, is "What can I do to help WITHOUT INTERFERING?" My answer is this: Love your son. That's it. It sounds overly simple but he is the crux of the problem: You can't tell your son to leave his wife because its not up to you, its up to him. Only he can take himself out of this abusive relationship. He's being pushed around by his wife, the last thing he needs is to be pushed around by his mother. Also, leaving a marriage is a huge undertaking. He will forever and always never forgive you if he thinks that you had ONE IOTA to do with his marriage falling apart. The decision has got to be 100% his. It seems to me, also, that he has to hit absolute rock bottom before he sees the light and leaves her. I hope its before the physical abuse starts. (oh, and it just very well may. Emotional abuse shows disrespect and contempt; physical abuse is just another way of showing the same end: "You are not worthy of my respect." At any rate, your son is a grown man. All you can do is listen to him, and love him. And for crying out loud, DO NOT judge him. The last thing he needs is for an over-protective mother to tell him, "Why don't you leave her? She's no good for you. Why don't you stand up for yourself?" Then he's just getting told he's not good enough by both his wife AND his mother. No, the only thing to do in this situation is keep your opinions to yourself, love him, make your home comfortable for him so that he will WANT to visit. Speak of pleasant things, make your home a sanctuary where he doesn't have to think of his miserable wife. So don't bring her up. Stay out of it. In time, he will bring it up, and you'll just listen. But you'll tell him you love him, that he's strong and that he will make the right decision, whatever that may be. You won't stir him in any direction, because you respect his ability to make the right decisions. That's it. But let me repeat one last time: stay out of it. Just love him, thats all.
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