A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my bf and i have been dating about 2 and a half years, i am 20 and his 25 years old. the problem is about 7 months ago i found out he was emotional cheating with another female, he says they were just friends but there was an obvous attraction, in the end he promised he would not have a relationship like that with anyone again and he would not contact her anymore, since then he has stood by his word, but i still think about what i have read,herd and seen every day and sometimes i still find myself checking his phone and emails without his knowledge, i still have trouble trusting him and i sometimes find myself asking my self questions that i never got answers to or never made sense , i want to ask him about some of the stuff i question but im worried it will cause fights and i dont want that but i would like some peace of mind, if anyone could give me some advice on what i should do would be great,thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): I am dealing with the same thing right now with my husband. I believe when he says it won't happen again and, but I still can't trust him. This is a hard thing to move on from. You have to stop thinking about all those unanswered questions, and get counseling and try to move forward. Or, leave the relationship altogether. No matter how much you talk about what happened you will always have questions, and not all of those questions will have answers. I know it's hard not to want to know every detail, but if you really want to work this out you have to leave it alone. Are you afraid of starting an argument because he won't talk about it at all, or is he willing to discuss it, if not there is probably a bigger issue underneath. If you MUST ask, please, don't attack him, just ask. Don't tell him how bad of a person he is or he won't want to discuss it at all. Try to stay calm and tell him you are just curious, and you are only asking to find the solution to your problem. If he really wants to work things out he will discuss it with you. Trust is not instantly gained, especially not after it has been lost in that way. I know it's hard to understand why he did this, but you have to learn neither of you might never know why this happened.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2006): intresting question. reason is I'm in a very similar situation but with my girlfriend. we have been together for 6 years; in our 1st 5 months together, while on christmas break with our respective families, she met a guy through some of her friends. knew the guy for 3 days and he flies back to home state; my girlfriend writes to him about things they spoke of with friends. He writes back and tells her he likes her; she never writes back but I found a letter she was writing to him that said things that sounded strange. we've been having a problem with his ever since, and I find myself snooping around as well.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (3 June 2006):
 If you do not trust your man, then you have to ask yourself: What is this relationship built upon? This is an important question you need to answer because it determines what you need to do next. If you are snooping through his private things, what are you hoping to find? I don't think you are looking for signs of fidelty.
No relationship (romantic or not) can survive without trust. You either rebuild it with this guy or build it with someone new. Whichever you choose, stop the disrespectful snooping.
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A
female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (3 June 2006):
 Hi there,
Personally, I think 'the best of the rest's' advice about if you have feelings he's cheating, he probably is' is absolute crap.
Sounds to me like he knows he made a mistake, and has told you he won't do it again, so why not give the love of your life the benefit of the doubt?
By all means bring up past things if you need to ease your suspicious mind, I know I have with my man - make sure you start off with "Look darln, there are a few things that have been on my mind that I would like to ask you about, I am not attacking you or accusing you of anything, I just need some clairy". If you start off like that, then there's more of a chance of him being open and honest with you.
xxx
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A
female
reader, thebestof the rest +, writes (2 June 2006):
right if you still have feelings that you bf is cheating then he probarbly is but what you need to do is sit him down and talk to him and tell him to stay calm when you ask him this question ask him if he is currently seeing her if he gets mad then you deserve much more better than that kind of guy and that also means that he is still seeing her but if he is calm with you then dont suspect anything but if he is the man you think he is then he should calmly answer no and just explain to him that it was on your mind im sure he will understand use this advice it should work XxXxXxX
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A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (2 June 2006):
 Sadly you're left with the baggage and his mind is probably free of the load. The first thing you must stop doing is looking through his stuff. I assume you haven't found anything? If you doubt his word and fear him cheating then your relationship will not last. You are tearing yourself up over sometyhing in the past. I'm not saying forget it, as that's not easy. But keep it at the back of your mind and push it away..... IF you have forgiven him, then you must let go of it or you haven't forgiven him at all.
If in the future there is something that gives you cause for suspicion, then maybe tackle the issue head on and go with your instincts. In the meantime think of the positives.... he didn't cheat with her physically and he's with YOU not her or anyone else. (I do wonder how you found out in the first place. If it was by snooping, you need to look at yourself and YOUR past becasue that's probably where your insecurities lie, don't pass the buck to your boyfriend). By the way.... I was in a very very similar situation and I am still with that man. I won't lie, sometimes that 'thought' creeps into my head. I deal with it as and when, but I trust him. The weird thing is maybe getting 'caught' saved our relationship and hopefully he'd think twice before risking anything again.
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (2 June 2006):
 Bite the bullet and ask him, so what if it causes a fight it is better that than you sitting around worried.
You are much more tolerant than I would be in your situation and to your credit you have given him another chance, so ask him and be done with it then put it away out of your mind and move on, unless the answer you get hurts and upsets you more then you will really need to think about the future of your relationship.
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A
male
reader, richierich79 +, writes (2 June 2006):
 It takes years to build trust and only seconds of suspicion to destroy it. Emotional cheating often hurts women the most. I once read that cheating is anything you would not want your partner to hear, see, or read about. It has been my experience that I can not stay with a cheater. It drives me to jealousy and acts of snooping that waist my time and bring down my mood. I guess what I am saying is that if the trust is gone, it is hard to replace. I feel some people can look past it, and some people [myself included] must move on to feel better. Please take a moment to consider which type you are. Is your next move to snoop and feel bad, or to relax and move this relationship forward?
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