A
female
age
51-59,
*ellykaye
writes:Is this emotional blackmail? Been together 15 years. He does this exact scenario, exact words, exact demands each time. This is the third time in 5 years. Even in the exact same months, Sept/Oct. I will try and explain how this is on the exact same months, as I just figured this out myself. He has 2 different jobs. The main job gives him alot of time off to use for the year, it accumulates but will not rollover into the next year. What he does is works his other job in another county, and stays there. He uses this as a convenient way to scare me, apparently. Mid september he starts his normal scenario. "you do this, this or that, Im done. Im leaving you, its over" He then says, dont do it for me, do it for yourself. He is away at his other job, im alone. He keeps this up for a few months. The other times he came right back here and we continued our relationship. Yes, I do have to give in to his demands and reasons "he left me".He scares me to death with fear of losing him. Even though by now Im catching onto his behavior, it still scares me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): Explain why he breaks up with you? Read your post.
It's not uncommon for the victim to defend the abuser. He's had 15 years to emotionally abuse you.
Something moved you to write your post.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. So he's abusive but not a cheater. Exactly what makes that better?
People shouldn't be giving into the demands of others, out of fear of losing a person they describe to be making threats or using emotional blackmail.
Most women would be happy he left voluntarily. He would not be welcomed back. You don't have to listen to my advice.
However, you can benefit from what is said by other women.
A
female
reader, kellykaye +, writes (12 October 2013):
kellykaye is verified as being by the original poster of the question First off, to WiseOwl, I didnt explain every small bit, because if I did, it would bore everyone. His job that he is at, is not a vacation. Yes, I can go there, yes I have. When I say he is working, yes, he is working. That is not the issue. That is the one thing I am 110% sure of, no third party is involved in this. I understand what and why you are saying this, I would have the same thoughts as you when it seems as if someone takes a "vacation" away from their spouse. That would be the first thought in my head, its a vacation full of who knows what. The second job he has does require alot of time, its required for the year, and he is actually working. He does have some parental abandonment issues from one parent at a young age. I have started thinking maybe those issues come into his head when he has to be away, and he kind of plays the "trump" card to avoid me starting in on him about him being gone so long. I have no clue as I have never dealt with anything of this nature.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2013): Well after 15 years, you both seem to be creatures of habit.I'm not sure why you haven't read the writing on the wall long before now.He takes a vacation from you.He leaves you with a threat to keep you on hold and pining for his return. He knows how to manipulate you. You're catching on, and I think he's in for it. He knows how to rub your nose in the dirt, and put fear in you at the same time. I get the shivers reading your post. From anger and disgust. You're an intelligent and mature woman. As we get older, we tend to have a high tolerance for the nonsense our partners subject us to. We look the other way to keep the peace. He's having the time of his life, and being a bachelor on his own set schedule. He gives himself a reason not to respond to your contact attempts and if you make a surprise appearance; he can always say "I told you it was over!"I know you're not that gullible. I hope you're not that desperate. He is a certified 24K asshole! You're just sitting at home all upset, but you're not going out or doing anything; because you're too distraught to function. Ha-ha, he got ya!!! The snake bites, and the poison paralyzes the prey. What a setup!!!You don't bother to visit? You're never invited? He treats you like crap, dumps you, and he's a free man for a few weeks a year.Losing him is the least of your problems. It's what you might catch when he returns! Make sure you get checked for STD's.In this situation, I'm not sure if you'll really listen to advice, or if you're mainly venting. We all sympathize. However; the last line of your post comes with a disclaimer: "He scares me to death with fear of losing him." This translates to: " I have no intention of leaving him, so don't even think about it."He'll make a fool of you until your prime years have passed you by, and gravity takes it's toll. He'll move to the next county with for a younger woman; while you sit around bitter and resentful. You've gotten all the red-flags. So my advice is, either live with it; or put your foot down.I can be pretty frank. It's to provoke thought. It doesn't mean I don't sense the pain you're feeling. I want to empower you. You know in your gut, that you're smarter than he gives you credit for. Smart women often put a safety valve on their brain for the sake of not letting us guys look stupid; until they're scorned. Then all hell breaks loose.Don't be so desperate for a man that you'll act dumb to keep him.Next time he does his little act; either have the remainder of his things ready to move out. Or just be gone when he returns. There's this thing about human nature. We'll wade in a river of bullsh*t, and know better. Then use love as the excuse for doing it. There's something wrong with that.
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reader, shelly913 +, writes (11 October 2013):
yes. this is emotional blackmail as well as emotional abuse. it sounds a bit like reverse psychology as well. if i were you i would check into what he does when he's away from home. it sounds like he is reversing guilt and trying to control you. perhaps it's time you start making some demands of your own. if he wants to leave he will. if he doesn't care enough about you to want to be with you without threats and demands....let him leave.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (11 October 2013):
 You didn't get specific in what exactly he's demanding from you, but given he does it right before he leaves town for his second job, I'm guessing he'd intimidating you into not cheating on him or leaving him when he goes.
Seriously, what exactly are you afraid of? If he's a jerk who has to scare you because of how insecure he is to keep you pining after him while he's gone, then you are better off without him.
It's emotional abuse. He's keeping you off balance to have the upper hand in your relationship. So far, 15 years has gone by that he's able to get away with it. And so what if his threats are real and he leaves for good?
You didn't say whether or not he is your husband. You just said you've been together 15 years. I don't know what state you live in, but especially if you share children, you have rights, and in possible cases, you are a common law marriage, meaning if he ditches or you get sick of his crap and leave, he has obligations to you.
You need to stop being scared and call his bluff. If he leaves for good, then you can move on to another guy who isn't so stupid.
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