A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I’ve made a complete fool of myself and not sure how to fix it…. Please don’t tell me it’s my fault as I know it is and I’m not looking for sympathy. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years- we don’t live together (we both rent our own properties) but we have been talking about living together.He recently went abroad to America with work for 5 weeks and I missed him immensely- we did Skype etc.., but it was tricky with the time difference We he left to go I dropped him off at the airport and he told me he would let me know if he needed picking up when he returned. The airport is 90 minutes away so not too far. Anyway shortly before he was due home he told me I didn’t need me to pick him up as he would just get a taxi back to his place. I was a little surprised at this as I assumed we’d spend his first evening back together (his flight would be landing around 7pm) but I understood he’d be tired from traveling etc…I was talking to my friend who suggested I go to pick him up at the airport as a surprise - I was intrigued by this but not sure- after speaking to a couple more girlfriends and my mum and sister they all convinced me it was a good idea and that he would love it!! So i get to the airport arrivals and wait for him- i stupidly bought a couple of balloons with “welcome back” on them and a single blue rose to give him as my friends said that would add to the surprise. I was honestly was so excited to see him albeit nervous as I wasn’t sure if he’d like my surprise. As he come through, I stood where he could see me and he was surprised but didn’t actually look happy - I was expecting a more enthusiastic greeting instead he just looked a little annoyed.In the car he didn’t really say much, I apologized to him for just turning up- he told me it was fine and it was a lovely gesture. When we got to his house he didn’t invite me in - he said he was going to jump in the shower and get an early night but that he’d call me the next day. He I didn’t hear from him the next day until late afternoon. He said he was busy getting in to the swing of things after being away so long. I gave him space and we arranged to go out on the Saturday evening (by then he would have been home 4 days).We went to dinner but he seemed different I knew in my gut that something else was clearly going on (maybe he cheated on me in America, maybe he no longer wants to be with me etc…) so I just confronted him- I told him to be honest and if he wanted to break up then we would. He hesitated but admitted that he found the whole surprise at the airport cringeworthy and hated the fact that everyone was staring and felt the whole thing was OTT. I really should’ve known this as he is very reserved and private. So I apologized again and promised I’d never do anything like this again. But I now feel so stupid and even more so for listening to friends and family!When I told them they all thought he was being too sensitive and unappreciative.Things still don’t seem to be 100% back to normal and im not sure if we need to give it more time (it’s been almost a month) or have another conversation with him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2023): I don't think you did anything wrong. On the contrary what you did was a very nice gesture. I wish I had someone caring like you. Obviously he has something on his mind. You have to find out. Good luck.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (24 September 2023):
 I actually agree with your friends and family, i think he is being too sensitive and unappreciative.
You both had not seen each other in a long time, i just think that a couple in love who have not seen each other in months the reaction at the airport should have been that of smiles excitement and a huge embrace,not a look of disappointment. After all the people who were looking you will more than likely never see them again.
I don't think that you should feel bad for what you did, it was kind and thoughtful.
He needs to get over this, to me this is quite inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Its been almost a month and things are still not 100%, so he is obviously the one with the problem.
If he can't get over something so minor, which was infact a nice gesture then maybe its time to call it a day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2023): Well, here's the thing. From what you said, I agree that there's something else also going on. After 4 years of dating you're thinking about moving in together and...
He was probably stunned that you didn't know him so well after 4 years of dating.
Also, he was probably surprised that you didn't resect his wishes and needs.
And for sure he realized that your need to see him was much stronger that his.
So, I'd ask him to think about what he thought where we are heading as a couple and then tell him to think about it seriously, even for a few days before answering me. Despite what you said about breaking up, you need to prepare ypourself for the answer you don't like and give him space to say it. The way you did it when you went out was not rational and even a bit emotionally blackmailing.
The last thing you want is to drag this on until he does something stuppid or finally gets the courage to tell you that he likes the things the way they are - you dating abd living a part or that he simply cannot himself staying in this relationship anymore.
There's nothing else you can do. You apologized now it's on him to tell you what is really going on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2023): I wouldn't say you did anything wrong here. Your partner has made you feel that way but honestly? I suspect he has a serious case of the holiday blues. Maybe he had a great time in America and is simply miserable being home. That's normal. A majority of people feel that way coming back from a 2 week holiday there so coming back after 5 weeks has to be sore.
I could also see him being tired coming back from the US for a few days, that is normal.
Saying he doesn't want you to pick him up at the airport is bizarre though. OP be honest, do you tend to do more for him than he does for you? Do you 'smother' him or insist on spending time with him when he needs his own space? Obviously i'm not fully aware of the goings on in your relationship so i'm just encouraging to to consider these things. All I will say though is that bring embarrased at the airport is a cop out on his behalf. Any person would find this funny. Even if they were shy, they would laugh it off after the fact and appreciate the gesture.
Let's get to the ways things stand...
OP,it's been almost a month, really even with the above in mind, he should have been back all over you in less than a week (giving time to get over the tiredness). Does he talk about his experiences? The people he met? Does he tell you stories and things people said and did etc?
If so then it sounds like he just wants to go back, and that is normal. Why did you. Ot go and visit? Why do you not plan to go together at some point?
If he is secretive however and does not share, then I suspect the same as you. Either he liked his space and decided this relationship isn't for him or he did meet somebody.
Either way, no matter what the reason, your confidence is being knocked by this whole guessing game. You're questioning your worth, you're questioning basic relationship decisions and your intuition is bring put to the test. This isn't healthy OP. You clearly have a good heart and you deserve to be appreciated for that.
Before you have it out with him, suggest a trip together to the US and see what his reaction is.if he is enthusistic then there is your starting point.
If he backs off however, you need to have it out with him abd be prepared to for a hurtful answer. The truth may hurt but are you happy right now in this relationship the way it is?
You deserve to be happy OP. You deserve to feel valued and you deserve somebody who appreciates your kind heart. You've scarificed a lot for this man, you waited for him whilst he was off having a great time and now you need to put yourself first.
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