A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What do I do? My ex-husband remarried very soon after our divorce. This was a couple of years ago. He has never totally let go. He has constantly stayed in touch every few months or so. This last call was very heart wrenching as he laid bare his feelings about the break-up of the marriage and his current feelings. It seems he cannot let go or forget me. He married too quickly to a woman he does not love. So now he is stuck in a loveless marriage.I don't know what he wants from me right now and I'm not sure what to do with these feelings. I never wanted the divorce but there were circumstances beyond our control which helped the divorce along.I have not remarried or gotten into any relationships since him.Where to from now?Is mailing and talking cheating? I guess it is if he is still married. I don't think we could ever get back together again but I can't let go either.What do you think he wants from this reconnecting with me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): Is his calling and texting you making you doubt yourself - eg, do you see yourself getting back with him or want to get back with him? I also wonder if during your marriage to him if he was 'baring his soul' to other women about his marriage problems with you. If he is having problems in his current marriage, it's unfair and disloyal to his wife to be telling you about it (unfair on you too, even though I know you share a past and probably consider each other friends). His loyalty should be to his wife and working on the marriage or ending it if that's his choice. He made the choice to end the marriage to you and he did it quickly and unthinkingly by the sound of it. I'd personally cut all contact with him - apart from the necessary if you have children together. That way he can concentrate on his problems and you won't have all these 'what ifs' dredged up. If he ends his current marriage and decides he wants another chance with you, then you're both free to do so. Don't allow yourself to be strung along by him in the hope he will leave her and get back with you. You deserve more than being his doormat.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, that was a tough read but I think so true. Thank you for taking the time to write answers... I have some more tough decisions to make.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 March 2014):
 I agree with Auntie BimBim
Stop feeling SORRY for him. Let him go. ENJOY YOUR life.
He made his bed, if he is that miserable he can divorce - after all he divorced you.
What he wants from you, is for YOU to feel sorry for him and NOT move on yourself. That way he can keep you as his spare.
It's NOT about love. It's about him keeping his options open. It's manipulation.
He cheated on you while married and he wants to cheat on his new WIFE WITH you. You want to be the part of the reason his marriage falls apart?
Tell him to stop calling you, tell him to WORK on his marriage.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 March 2014):
 If your ex husband is sneaking around, texting and calling you without his wife's knowledge he is not behaving very honourably.
He chose to marry her, he was an adult, with the faculties to make reasoned choices and decisions, and he married her.
If he is unhappy that is his choice.
Now it is time YOU decided what you want from your life, and how you would like it to pan out over the next 50 years.
Are you going to continue to allow this ex husband of yours to continue to hook you in with his sob stories, holding you in the past, never completely letting you go, or are you going to cut the strings that bind you to him and fly free.
If you don't mind being his patsy then stay as you are, stuck in the past, and available when ever he feels the need to unburden, with you not being able to move a foot backward or forward, if that is really what you want, then that is okay.
But if you want to escape from this never ending farce of a marriage that ended but hasn't really ended because even though he has a new wife you are still there, hooked in, worrying because he is bearing the brunt of his decisions, then you need to make some sort of move. Little steps to start with, when he rings, tell him you are busy right now and can he call back in a few hours, set a time, tell him, "I can't talk right now but if you call back at 5, I should be able to, can you call back then?"
If he persists tell him, now is not a good time, I'll speak with you later and hang up. My gut feeling is that he probably wont call back, but if he does, set the time right up front, "I can give you thirty minutes", and when they are up, say so!
Once he sees that you are now controlling the situation and are not there at his beck and call things will change.
You need to be strong, you need to decide what you are going to do with the last half of your life, you have indicated a reconciliation is unlikely and if there are no children involved you need to cut the ties completely, and just get on with it, fake it until you make it!
Good luck.
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