A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Todd here,I posted a comment a few weeks back but only got one comment back, admirable comment, but only one. You can check out my initial question at this link for more info: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/am-i-really-gay-or-just-scarred-by.htmlWhat I just want to know is am I gay or just feel scarred by women? Is it all real or just an illusion?I’d really appreciate a little guidance with this question please. I want to know if me being gay is real before even thinking about the possibility of coming out or if it’s just a mental block or something especially where I live (Barbados). People here are not homo friendly. I need help getting to an answer.Please help. Thanks! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (2 March 2014):
Dear Todd,
I was surprised when I read your post, because it remembered me of myself. I'm actually bisexual, but because I never felt like guys like me or vice versa when I was younger, I've spent a long time in my life as a lesbian. By the way, I came out as lesbian before I had ever tried out anything with men or women, I just felt really sure at that time. Although there were moments of doubt from time to time, whether or not I could still like men.
It was only later in life, after I broke up with my first girlfriend, that I realized I also like guys. So, it's possible that you still like girls, maybe not exclusively, but that it's just too painful to date them at the moment. Sexual orientation is not as black-or-white as most people think. There is a certain flexibility, at least for some of us.
I am not sure what to advise you, to be honest. Maybe to NOT label yourself before you are with someone and feel happy? Coming out as gay makes sense when you have a boyfriend, something "worth fighting for". But before that, why not call yourself bi-curious and check out a gay club or dating site from time to time? You don't need to confess your interests or questions, as long as you're uncertain. If you feel really comfortable in the gay world, if you feel like you belong, then yes, it's good to come out and show who you are.
As long as you're not sure what you want, why not try to date people from both sexes? I know you live in a not-so-gay-friendly place, but when it comes to sex/love, you need to try things out in order to know.
You can't solve love and sex issues from theory or from your head only, there is the heart (and other organs) that will show you the answer more clearly.
Besides: When I read your post, it came clear to me that you don't just have negative experiences with girls. Some liked you - you just didn't like them back. That's bad luck, my friend, but you shouldn't count it as a bad experience. It's an important sign that there ARE girls who like you and one day, you might find a female match, if you don't stop looking.
I wish you good luck in all your discoveries and the courage to follow your desire, not your fears.
E.
A
male
reader, denco  +, writes (1 March 2014):
The "am i gay?" question is one that only you can answer. At first thought as a heterosexual alpha male i would say that if you have to ask that question then you already know the answer. As a fellow human I say that what you are isn't defined by your sexuality. There will be times in your life that different things will excite you and you will fall into different categories that society has set. No person is one thing in their life. Everyone is the sum of the of the parts. Regardless of you sexual orientation if women scare you just face them, after getting to know them you will see that they are just as scared of you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 March 2014):
I'm not going to get into psychology, but if you're attracted to men and would be interested in a relationship with one then you are either gay or bisexual.
I don't know what caused it. Also, you don't need to come out. Try dating a guy and see how it goes.
Don't worry about labels, just do what you want to do as long as you're not hurting anyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): I read your other question, you do need to take some time out.
Yes you may be gay, yes you may be bi, and you may be a straight guy who has had not had much success with women and as you said is scarred by some nasty experiences. Maybe you have just not met the right woman yet? some women can be very judgmental, fussy and yes not easy to read at times, but not all young women are like that.
Be yourself, don't pretend to be someone you are not, to impress a girl, or a guy, be yourself, and you will work out who you are attracted to.
There is no need to label your self just yet, look into your heart and your deepest of feelings, who are you really
attracted to? guys? girls or both? whatever it is it's OK.
Can your see yourself with a guy in an intimate long term in a r/ship, or rather with a girl? are you attracted to guys sexually? or girls? Can you ask the gay guys you know how they felt when they knew they were attracted to guy? They were unsure & anxious once I'm sure, and might be able to help.
There's not need to say anything to anyone yet, this is your business. Take some time out for you.
Hope this helps in some way.
All the best.
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