A
female
age
36-40,
*ost in the clouds
writes:Hello, My boyfriend and I have been datikng for 11 months we worked with each other for a year. We both got out of bad 4 year relationships and our first night together (although it was the most amazing night of my life) we agreed to not be in a realtionship. 2 weeks later he gave me a key to his house, 3 months i moved in, 5 months got joint bank accounts and now after 11 wonderful and hard months we are thinking of marriage. His father is sick and won't have alot of years to live, my grandfather also doesnt havt alot of time so we want to get elopped. I love him, and we are a great team finacally, we have great communication but there are snags. I think he will always need his ex in his life, he gets jealous easily and im worried he could get bored. Before him I didn;t believe in marriage becuase i dont believe anyone can stay faithfull for the rest of their lives, with my ex we were together and never wanted to marry, move in together or have children. So this is a new feeling for me. My gut tells me this is what I want, he wants and will be a good thing not a bad thing. I used to laugh at people who got married after a few months of dating so I don't know if this is just someting we want to do for our loved ones who won't ve here for long or if its right for me. I would like some advice stories anything becuase I can't talk about this with anyone and im confused.
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female
reader, Lost in the clouds +, writes (6 April 2011):
Lost in the clouds is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both and what you say has given me alot to think about
A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (5 April 2011):
I don't think it's a good idea. It would be ideal if his father and your grandfather could see your wedding and your children, etc etc, but sometimes that just doesn't work out. It doesn't mean that you should fast forward your lives to let them experience that. At the end of the day, his father and your grandfather just want to spend time with the 2 of you and see you guys happy. If it doesn't mean that you will have a wedding yet, that's fine. In my opinion, I think that you should just try and spend with them. Make the best of the time now. And if you elope, doesn't that mean that they wouldn't be at the wedding anyway? They would just know that you were married. I got engaged with my bf after 3.5 years of dating. I had thought we would be together forever - the engagement lasted about 1.5 months before we broke up. I don't know why, but engagement seems to cause a lot of stress. I am now engaged for the second time, and it seems to be working out (been about 4 months now). Going to start planning the wedding - but after about 1 month of post-engagement bliss, more fighting started (don't ask me why, no idea). With you guys being under family stress, it really isn't the right time to get married or engaged. Just spend time with them now. And later on, when you two really want to and really feel ready, get engaged and married then. It should be happy time.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (5 April 2011):
 I dont think it is the right thing for you to do - you have not been together anywhere near long enough, plus as you said yourself, you shouldnt be getting married just to make other people happy. Of course it would be wonderful if all family and friends could be there to witness your marriage - but life doesnt work that way unfortunately and you cannot have everyone there. At the end of the day marriage is purely about the two of you - as long as you and your partner are there that is all that should matter. You are not making vows to your family - you are making vows to each other. Rushing into a marriage just so 2 people can be there is a really bad idea, jeapordising your future happiness for the sake of 2 people is really not worth it. You will make these vows and then have to live with them for the rest of your lives, whether you get married or not does not affect your families in any significant way. Your family are not part of these vows, they dont have to live with the consequences, it is you and your partner and you are the only 2 people who matter. I think if you have a few little issues (like you have mentioned) you really need to be together a bit longer before you make the massive committment of marriage. 11 months is still the 'honeymoon' phase of a relationship, where everything is great and issues only seem minor. You need to let this relationship develop a bit longer before you can know if these issues will ever become serious, so it would be foolish to jump into marriage now before you have ever tested your relationship to see how it copes under severe stress. Your relationship has already moved at an incredibly fast pace, and I'm sure that you are aware that divorce rates in the last decade have gone through the roof - and this is often attributed to couples rushing into marriage before they are really ready and know if they are truly compatible. It is wonderful you have found someone you feel this way about, and you should be happily planning your future together. But there is a big difference in planning your future, and actually jumping into it head first without really knowing what you are getting yourself into. Maybe once you have been together about a year and half, see how it is going then and consider getting engaged. An ideal time to be getting engaged would be 2 years, then married at 3 years. Yes waiting that long may seem hard when you are madly in love - but a real test of how in love you are is if you can find the patience. You have the rest of your lives together, and a piece of paper and a ring on your finger is not going to change much. The only thing it will change is it will put more pressure on you as a couple and it will tie you together, through thick and thin. Give yourselves some time just to enjoy each other, enjoying living together and enjoy the fantastic relationship you have before all the stress of planning a wedding, getting married, then married life follows. You are young and happy - so why rush into something that could have such disasterous consequences? You have both experienced bad relationships, and they must have started out good at the beginning, so dont forget the lessons learnt from the past and take your time, if you are truly meant for each other then it wont matter when you get married because you will be together forever regardless. I hope this helps and good luck!
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