A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have been going out with boyfriend for 9 months, and have been introduced to his parents. His parents are really weird about having people over. They don't like to. So I'v never been inside my boyfriend home. Yesterday we were going to the movies and he parked in his garage, and asked me to wait while he got ready. I understand that I can't go inside his home, but I asked him to take a pic because I just wanted to see how his room looked like, and he said okay but never did it. So then because I over analyze things I started thinking on he helped paint a friends room and they were going to help him as well, so he captured a photo and sent it. And his previous ex-girlfriend he sneaked her inside his home a couple of times however, it was a big issue with his parents because they don't like having people over. So I understand why after meeting his parents, I'm not asking to go inside his home,So this morning I asked him if he could take a picture because I didn't want to nag him. And he said how everyone minute counts of him sleeping because he works overnight. That got me upset, now I know that I should try to communicate how I feel but I also don't know if maybe I'm being irrational. And I would like to know whether I'm just making it a big deal to myself, and should just drop it. Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2018): As I said before, in your short time on this planet, you haven't seen how weird people can be. You've met his parents; and perhaps they don't prefer him dating his women in their house. It's their house, and they get to choose who comes and goes. Girlfriends don't get the same privileges as a finance/wife.
I said before, if he dates outside his race and religion; they may only tolerate it, but don't want it under their roof.
It may not be so much that they don't want you in their house as it could be his decision; because he feels uncomfortable dating around his parents.
They may embarrass him somehow, or he feels they're too nosy. He feels more comfortable around your home; so stop fretting about his place. He should have his own place by now anyway. He shouldn't be bringing women in and out of his parent's house. They just may like their privacy, and some piece and quiet after their workday.
He's an adult-male still living with his parents. His parents are restricting his activity in their home; and that encourages him to get-out, get a place, and grow-up. Then you can spend as much time as you like together in his own apartment. Their home is not a hangout. Nor is mine for that matter!
Stop being childish and competing with his old girlfriend. What they did together is none of your business, and you are showing signs of pettiness and immaturity; if you're letting it bother you too much. Which may be another reason he hasn't invited you over; because he's not sure you'll be around for the long-term.
I believe he doesn't want you too close to his parents; until he knows how he feels about you. Maybe he's waiting to see how stable the relationship is going to be.
He's obviously respectful and protective of his parents; so if things don't change, you should reconsider if he's right for you.
He's too broke to have a place of his own, that is one red-flag.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmmm, thanks for the replies! -Original poster
To clarify, I have met his parents in a formal introduction (they are Filipino btw). I thought in doing so it wouldn't bother me that I couldn't go inside his home but it still does. Me wanting to get a picture, in a way is me being jealous because his ex was able to be invited albeit discreetly. It's weird I know but it makes me feel a little better since I can't go inside.(I know he isn't disorganized, nor anything of that sort, that's not the issue.)
I encountered a similar problem with my ex, who I dated for 6 years, where in the beginning of the relationship he didn't introduce me to his mom after seven months. I just felt like that before in this situation, and hated feeling that way.
It's weird for me because my family is the type to invite people over, and my home has always been the place where my friends come to for hangouts. He stays over my place all the time, since we aren't able to go to his. And he's a really sweet and honest person. I have best friend whow won't let anyone inside his home and I've known him for years. I know some people are really weird about who to have in their homes. My gut is telling me to wait, and see what happens. I just recently met his parents, so maybe in time once they know me it'll be a different scenario. If not, then I can re-evaluate things and see what is right for me.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 May 2018):
 I used to have a neighbour who would frequently say "there's nowt queer as folk."
I have to agree with her, people ARE odd. Your boyfriend's family not wanting other people in their home is VERY odd, especially as their son (your boyfriend) is at the age where he is dating girls and might one day marry .... and produce grandchildren even. It would seem they haven't sort of thought about how things would be when they become grandparents.
I also think your wanting a photograph of your boyfriend's bedroom is a bit odd .... why do you want that? Is there a really good reason or just some vague need to ensure he doesn't have an iron maiden standing in the corner. More likely he has a Heroes of the Universe cover on his bed ad doesn't want you to know.
Ask him if he intends marrying one day and having children, and what he thinks his parents policy will be about having HIS children visit. His answer will tell you if you should persist with the relationship or cut your losses now, and run.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 May 2018):
 I think you've subconsciously grasped what's wrong with your relationship, but your way of bringing it to the surface is incorrect.
If we assume that what he says is the truth, and I'm being generous because my own grandparents were the same way -- they wouldn't let us past the kitchen, and we weren't allowed to see the rest of the house due to the fact that they were hoarders and the trash went floor to ceiling, then what does this say about your boyfriend and his family?
There's pretty significant baggage here. This baggage is there whether you get a picture of his room (I'm guessing he's stalling because his room is a disaster area) or not. Rather than fixating on the picture, you should decide whether this guy and his baggage is a deal breaker or not.
Honestly, I would consider it a dealbreaker. Being married, I can tell you that harmony with his family is important for a good future together. Will you host all of the get-togethers?
One more thing -- I don't trust families who don't allow people inside their house. What's being hidden? What dysfunction is being protected?? Will that dysfunction be passed to my future children?
I would suggest deciding whether this is baggage you can live with. Even if you get a picture of his room, the baggage will still be there, and if he's hiding a disgusting disaster area of a room, do YOU want to live in that squalor? AND, if he's the same way his parents are, what if YOU are barred from bringing guests into a shared living space with him??
I don't like this one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2018): [EDIT]:
"Your home is your private domain and safe-haven."
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2018): I don't think the guy is being totally honest, and he's trying to blame it all on his parents. Maybe they don't want him trafficking women in and out of their house. They don't know these people; and he is a grown-ass man who should have a place of his own.
Whether its about their untidy housekeeping, or they're drunks; it doesn't matter. You don't get to judge people under their own roof. You home is your private domain and safe-haven. You get to choose your guests, and select your type of company.
You're still very young, and you've yet to encounter some of the most outlandish habits and weird ways of the world.
His room could also be off-limits; because he feels embarrassed that he still lives out of his bedroom like he did when he was a child. Your viewing that limited space will ever-remind you that he doesn't live in a full-space, but actually out of one room. That could change your perception of him as a man. A whole-house as versus single-room. The larger the picture, the larger the man.
I think it is equally strange that you're asking for a picture of somebody's bedroom. Let it suffice that you are not able to visit his house, and that's one of the pitfalls of dating a guy who still lives with his parents. All grown-up; but not financially-secure enough to have his own place. Unless he has elderly sickly parents he has to care for. Be that the case, he'd have very little time to date.
If he has a good work-ethic, respectful, kind, trustworthy, affectionate, good to you; appreciate all his good qualities. Perhaps over time, his parents will come-around; and not mind you coming over. That is, if he's being totally honest about this whole weird situation.
Frankly; I don't see why you'd still want to date him, if you're so concerned? I wouldn't want to be treated like some random stranger he picked-up off the street. Nearly a year later, and you're still not welcome into the house. I'm too proud and dignified to let people treat me like that. That's a deal-breaker in my book.
Don't expect them to allow you to stay overnight and to use their house like a motel. Many parents won't! It's their house, and their rules. This situation isn't like that. It's like there is bigotry at play here. Like they don't approve of your ethnic-origin or religion.
Some religious sects won't allow for unwed couples to sleep in their homes. Sometimes people are bigoted, and will tolerate their sons or daughters dating outside their religion, ethnicity, or nationality; but will not allow them to set-foot in their houses. They will give you a general explanation; but it's their home, and they don't have to explain a thing if they don't choose to.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 May 2018):
 I think it's ridiculous that a guy in his 20's can't have his Gf over for a visit. I think it's ridiculous that a guy in his 20's has to tell his GF to sit OUTSIDE the house in his car while he gets ready.
I get that WHILE he live with parents, he lives by their rules. I absolutely get that, but... him having to live like he is a young teenager is ridiculous.
I don't like having people over but my kids still have friends over ALL the time. I think this last week we had "kids" over 5 out of 7 days. 7 out of 7 days for Spring Break.
OK, they aren't sneaking in boys. But my home is their home too.
Are you curious and want to see his room, yes.
Does he OWE you a picture of his bedroom? No.
I can't see WHY you need to see his bedroom if you are SO OK with having to sit on the curb while he gets ready and you can SO understand his folks, then why not understand that he doesn't want you to see it either.
This is how his family lives. Keeping "people" out. That includes you.
9 months if dating and you are still some stranger who is not allowed inside.
That's reality.
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