A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for almost 8 yrs. He never gets me gifts for anything. Not anything when i gave birth to our child! As a matter of fact this year for valentines day we were at a store and as we passed the cards he tol dme if I wanted one I should go pick one for myself. I am a typical girl I love surprises. And he knows this... but never gets me anything. Because I like getting surprises I make sure to follow the "golden rule" and get him little surprises through out the year and make sure to get him things a little more special for b days and holidays. When I get him something he gets mad at me and accuses me of doing it just to make him feel guilty. So I tell him... I am not going to stop so if you want to stop feeling guilty get me something. Then he gets all mad and says well I pay all of the bills that should be enough you fat selfish bi*ch. Is my being hurt and upset an overreaction? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 February 2013):
 If after 8 years of marriage, your husband doesn't get you surprise gifts after you've told him then I think you have your answer. Your husband isn't into gift giving. Some guys are like that: we assume that if you want something you'll get it for yourself. I am not saying it is right or wrong, but many married men just assume that is the case.
He may also have tried surprise gifts in the past and failed to please you and gave up.
What concerns me -- and some of the other responders here -- is his verbal assault and put down on you when you brought up the issue. Is he always like that? Do you accept that sort of talk? What do you think your child learns when he sees and hearts that? And does it work: meaning you slink away and he gets his way? The fact that he assumes that when you do something nice for him it is to guilt him. It sounds like he has a hard time accepting kindness. A man who has a hard time accepting this has a hard time returning love....
I think there is a lot more going on here than a lack of gift giving. Perhaps it is time for you to take stock of your marriage. Is the man who calls you a fat b* your dream husband? Is this how you pictured it would be? Are you truly happy?
You may want to explore some of these questions with a counselor as I suspect there is a lot more going on here than you realize. There is a chasm between you and him and with time it will grow larger until you completely drift apart. Please take a look on reducing that distance now -- before it is too late.
Eddie
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): You are a wonderful gal! If you don't realize it than no one will. You need to realize that if you don't treat yourself well and with respect no one will. Your BF calling you names and stating negative things is emotional abuse. Stand proud sister. Move on to someone who loves you and respects you.In a relationship you need to tell a person what is important to you. If they don't understand don't expect them to change. Also you need to understand where they come from too!Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): No one should be treated that way.. No one. Im so sorry you are going through this.. You are not over reacting..you are in the right.. your husband is in the wrong..he will make you feel bad because he likes to put the blame on others..why because he's to much of a prick to take responsibility for his own actions! ugh, your better than that. I hope your husbands shapes up..if not i would definitely be looking for a better life without him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 February 2013):
 he calls you fat stupid bitch and your upset because he didn't get you a gift for giving birth???
he told you to pick a card... wow.. that's more than my man did.
IF you need gifts and he doesn't do gifts or surprises (many men don't) then you need to be with a man that believes in giving gifts and surprises.
I would love to be surprised with a gift. not going to happen...
I will say that if you give him gifts as a way to be manipulative (as opposed to just because I saw this and wanted you to have it) then he's feeling that... and the fact that he gets defensive is the key... folks get defensive whey they know they are wrong. And you "follow the golden rule" do you do it for everyone or just your hubby? Because I gotta say if you do it to think he will do it for you... that's not going to work,..
the problem is how he manifests his displeasure with himself... calling you names is not good. IF you stay with him and he continues this behavior... your marriage is what your children will learn is acceptable behavior...so your son will call his wife stupid fat bitch and your daughter will find a man who will call her whore and slut and fat....
is that what you want for your kids?
is that what he wants for his kids?
do you want to save the marriage?
if so you need counseling..... and he needs to stop calling names and you need to accept him where he is... he's not going to be what you want... is what he is currently enough?
did he ever give gifts???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): Whoa! Red flags are waving here. He is verbally abusing you. I've been there myself and it is a miserable place to be.
I recommend this book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. That book is what saved me.
Stop getting him any more gifts. Don't go out of your way anymore. It's not working.
Do you work or are you a stay at home mom? Do you have skills where you could obtain employment? If not, go the the nearest unemployment office and see if they can direct you in learning new skills.
Any man that is calling me names, and I've been called them all, I would be leaving.
I'd find myself a sharp attorney for alimony and child support.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): Time to move on
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (15 February 2013):
 Wow. If ever a partner starts to name call, you should reassess your relationship because your partner has just shown you that they don't respect you at all. The fact that he hasn't bought anything for you just because he wants to shows that he has no affection for you. People get things for others whether they be partners, family or friends, just because they love and appreciate them. It doesn't even have to cost anything. He could have found a pebble that he thought you would like. He obviously feels some resentment towards you because he does pay all the bills. Counselling is a good idea to see if you can repair your relationship.
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